Someday, I'll Find My Way Home

Axel jumps in the pool.

I blended in their conversation easily, as they were talking about the life in industry versus the academe. Alex, plus my other blocmates, were sharing their grievances about the EDSA traffic, and how hard it was to commute.

Paula stood next to me and gave me a Red Horse. "Here. This is for you."

We clinked our bottles. "And Karl, this is for you!"

She gave Karl a new Red Horse bottle, but I snatched it and gulped all of it. He had already emptied the bottle Paula gave her while cooking the liempo. I didn't knew he had this much tolerance in alcohol.

"What a thirsty bitch," she mouthed.

She moved away and focused her attention to Jaycee.

My head spun a little bit, and I held on to Karl for a little while.

"Why did you drink all of it in one gulp?" Karl retorted. "Are you stupid?"

"Maybe I am."

After a few minutes of chugging down more beer and finishing our plates, Alex invited us to go swim in the pool. And I just realized that I was still in my driving clothes. 

Before I went back to my car, I realized that Robin, who was now alone since Marc was singing in the karaoke along with Candace, Marvin, and the others, found her prey once again.

I tugged Karl's clothes and whispered at the back of his head, "Come."

He was about to join Erika. "What?"

"Robin's looking at me."

"Why can't you just turn her down?" Karl said. He didn't hide the irritation in his voice.

"I told her!"

"Just go and flat out reject her. You're a grown man."

"Oh c'mon. You promised me earlier," I reminded him. "Plus, I still don't get why Sir Gabe and Ma'am Kath are so keen on talking about you?"

He bit his lip and crossed his arms. "Did you tell them anything?"

"No!"

"Good. Don't tell them anything." He pointed his finger on my chest. "They just wanted to know more about you more than me."

"Why me?"

"Don't know."

"You're friends with them for fuck's sake!"

"What is this about, really?"

I took a step back when I realized that he raised his voice, and the look on his eyes told me that I had overstepped my boundaries. I had only encountered this side of him at the rarest times. And, for each time that it happened, I was left silent.

"I'd like to have fun tonight, so please, don't include me in your problems anymore," Karl said. "It's been years, and you still don't know how to do things by yourself."

I didn't know how to respond. I was close on saying that I just wanted to be with him more, and that was just a lame excuse to keep him by my side. That I didn't know how to be close to him again. But even those words felt wrong. 

He grabbed my Red Horse and drank it all.

He walked away and shouted, "Go away!"

It took me a while to realize that he jumped on the pool with a Red Horse bottle on his right hand. Then, while swimming, he was gulping the beer. He even poured it in Erika's mouth. And they both laughed heartily. Sooner or later, my professors joined them along with some of my blocmates.

He was right. Maybe I was ruining his fun.

I took another photo of him, splashing the water to Erika. He looked so happy without me.

I walked alone outside to my car and got my gym bag. Before I could even go back, Robin was already waiting for me at the gate. Her whole body was wet, with a towel draped on her back. Her hair was pulled on the right side of her shoulder.

As she slowly walked to my direction, I said firmly: "Stop."

"Yes?"

"If I kissed you now, would you promised you'd stop following me?" I bargained.

"That depends on how good your kiss is."

I grinned. I opened my polo all the way through as she walked towards me. And when she arrived, I pushed her at the window of my car, grinding my whole body towards hers. I looked straight in her eyes as I slowly teased her, "Don't you remember how I do it?"

She clung her hands through my chest, then downwards. I let her touch me on wherever she pleased.

I caressed her cheeks with my right hand as my other hand ran through her thighs.

"Do you want this?" I whispered on her ear, and then I bit the end of it. "I know you want this."

"Ah, yes--"

Before she could even speak, I dove down her mouth. She tasted of the pool and Red Horse, but I didn't mind. I went deeper, squeezing her breasts with my free hands. 

She let out a soft moan as I went down my way to her neck.

And all I could think about was how Karl looked at me with his sharp eyes--gone were the days when he would steal glances at me with his nurturing eyes that cared about me. His threatening voice stabbed a little part in me, crushing the thought that he was always there for me. That I had benefited on that arrangement.

My hands became forceful, and I didn't notice that my grip had tightened. But she liked it when I pushed her thighs on my crotch. I caressed her face once more, as if luring her entire soul when our lips collided once more.

I heard approaching footsteps near the gate, but I was all hands on her. 

I thought about everything that I had done for the past five years--all the mistakes, all the stupid actions... I wished to be non-existent to times like this that shouldn't happen in the first place. And everytime I made something wrong, I kept on crawling back to the past--to him, who started it all--to save me from the chaos that I made. 

Then it dawned me.

I wasn't mad at Karl or anyone else. 

I was the problem from the very start.

I pulled away and carried my bag, leaving Robin outside, catching her breath. I took out my polo, threw my gym bag aside after I fished out and buried my phone and keys in the side pocket, and dived in the pool to crush my realizations with the cold, unforgiving water.