Someday, I'll Find My Way Home

Axel is disoriented.

I didn't want to move on. That was a fact that I was so scared about, because moving on meant growing up. I am living with my sixteen-year old self in my 25 year-old body. As my professor said before, "I know I can't be young again, but I never aged in my heart. That's the key for a long life--feel young."

Those were my thoughts while we were driving back to Los Baños after the reunion. Paula, Candace, and Marvin were knocked out in their seats. Paula, who was on the passenger seat, had her mouth open. Candace and Marvin were cuddled at the back. I went to the Drive-Thru of McDo first to get some coffee, or else I would fall asleep in the middle of the road.

Before we left the place, Sir Gabe invited all of us again in their place for a "casual chitchat with hard drinks." I wasn't in the mood for more alcohol, but I was against Paula, the always thirsty woman, and Candace, who wants more tea than anyone. Marvin would go with Candace as always. And being their driver, I had no choice but to agree as well.

I didn't want to see Karl after that. Maybe I'd give it a couple months before I could recover and get back on my feet. Maybe after that time, I would forget what happened completely, and act like it never happened in the first place.

The car ride was silent, at the very least. I played The Weeknd's After Hours album on the speaker. Even though the airconditioning was in the highest setting and I was in my knee-length beach shorts and a gray tank top underneath the plain white polo, I was sweating.  But my mind was bustling with a lot of unnecessary thoughts about what happened last night and what it truly meant.

Why did I kiss my best friend? And most importantly, why did I kiss a man?

I didn't know which of the two questions bothered me more.

Was it the fact that I was just hungry for affection? That I was horny? If so, why didn't I pick Robin, who was all over me that night? 

And why him, of all people?

As far as I know, I was only attracted to women. I had steamy hook-ups, terrible dates, failed relationships... all with girls around my age. I watch porn and jerk off regularly. I had never looked to men in a romantic or sexual way. Never.

But Karl messed it all up. 

Now, all I could think was how he was next to me and how the universe told me it was right to feel this all along. I wanted to be next to him and talking about our lives and our secrets in the dark. I would peck him in the lips again and again and my world would light up again, just like it used to before.

I pulled my hair and slammed my head on the wheel when the traffic piled when we were near Junction.

"W-Where are we?" Paula asked, her voice groggy. She looked at the side mirror and fixed her hair. "Are we near?"

"Traffic," I answered.

"Fucking hangover," she groaned. "But I surpassed Candace's limit, so everything's good in this world."

I laughed. "Really? You went above that?"

"Uh-huh," she said. She held her head and leaned on the window. "So how did it go with you and Karl?"

I shifted my eyes to the road. "Nothing."

"C'mon, tell me."

"We're knocked out. Nothing happened."

"But why do you look so... I don't know, flustered? Disoriented?" She shot me a worried look. "Tell me."

I sighed. "Maybe not now."

"Fine. But you gotta tell me someday."

"But I have a question for you."

"Hm?"