Someday, I'll Find My Way Home

Axel finds out more.

I drove all the way back to Mandaluyong in a flash. 

My mind was full of questions that I didn't notice how fast I drove. All I could hear was the hum of the airconditioning and my silent sobs.

My vision went blurry from time to time. I would grasp my chest and I would scream his name, even though he couldn't hear me anymore.

Is this the thing that I want?

Am I falling in love with my best friend? Am I falling in love with another man?

No. That's impossible. I never had any attraction to the same sex. I never imagined myself with another man except for Karl. I didn't want to have sex with them, either.

But why do I get this creeping feeling that despite all of those, I would still choose Karl in the end?

While in the middle of SLEX, Paula called. I took a deep breath and answered the call in loudspeaker. 

"Hello?"

She was screaming in the speakers. "Where are you?"

"SLEX."

"Come the fuck here. I want to talk to you."

"Is this about Karl? I'm not in the mood--"

"COME HERE OR ELSE I'LL COME TO YOU, AXEL." She gritted her teeth and cursed. "You promised, Axel. You fucking promised that you wouldn't hurt Karl. What did you do?"

My voice faltered. I tried my best not to break down again. "I-I..."

"You better get your ass in here--"

I heard muffled voices on the speaker. Then some arguments. Until I heard Candace's voice next.

"Axel, I'm sorry. Paula is just really enraged," she whispered.

"I'm really enraged!" I heard Paula on the background.

"Can we talk? Please?"

I sighed. "What do you want?"

"I guess it's finally time to tell you the truth," she said. "Please, come over?"

I dropped the call before I could even answer.

-

I brought the bag containing my present for Karl for his birthday and the things that he returned to me earlier when I arrived back at my condominium. I fell on my bed head first and I let my tears flow down again when I could only think of his name again. I clawed my hands on my bed when I remember how he looked at me earlier and how he cried and screamed--it was the look of being hurt and tired from all the years that he loved me. 

I knew deep down that I hoped he saw me on another way. That he was better than anyone I had ever met in my life. And I ignored all the signs, hid my real emotions, and let myself believe of the reality that I knew that was real.

All this time, I thought I knew myself.

At the back of my head, I longed for him to stay but only for my convenience. 

One of the many reasons I was a bad friend to him.

He was right. I never saw him the way he did.

All this time, I believed that he was my best friend and I was his. Nothing more. Nothing less. Except that our minds played different realities.

I clenched my hands on the jacket that I gave him back when he was cold. This was my favorite jacket to wear before since it completed every single polo or shirt that I wore. That whenever I needed something to boost my appearance, this was my go-to.