Someday, I'll Find My Way Home

Axel has a hangover.

I wished I didn't wake up early after I saw a pile of sleeping bodies all over the room. I held my head as I tried to carry my body upward without letting out a stifled scream. I didn't want to wake them up, especially Paula who is a certified bitch if done so.

Marvin and Candace slept beside, taking half of the bed as he was spooning her. Paula, on the other hand, was on our feet. My toes were buried on her thighs and not her ass, thank God. The double deck was full as well--Sir Gabe, Ma'am Kath, and Erika on the bottom bunk, Marc and Robin on the top. Jaycee was on the floor with the blanket and a pile of bags underneath. Yikes.

I was wearing my shirt from the inside out. Was it like this when I wore it? I forgot. 

I made sure not to bother Paula, and not to step on Jaycee on my way out.

I got my gym bag under the double deck. I didn't remember how I placed it there, but I wasn't complaining on its convenience. I checked my phone's clock--6:13AM.

I went down and stretched my upper body. I tried to process what happened last night--I was wasted, so wasted after Paula drowned me in a game of Never Have I Ever, and stayed with Karl until we fell asleep. I didn't even remember the questions or my answers in the game. I vaguely paint a picture in my head of Paula, screaming Chug! Chug! Chug! 

Ugh. I need coffee.

Karl was on the hall, picking out the trash left from the night before. A big, plastic bag was in the middle of the hall, and Karl was picking up pieces of plastic cups and utensils, paper plates, and other stuff that others had left before they slept. He neatly stacked the bottles of Red Horse back to its container. 

"You're up early," I said.

He almost dropped the bottles he was holding in both of his hands when I spoke. He turned to my direction and welcomed me with a knit on his eyebrow.

"Why are you awake?" he retorted.

"I have a fucking hangover," I complained. I sat in the bamboo chairs in front of the karaoke. "Do we still have food left?"

"There's some more chicken and Adobo on the side." He pointed on the neat stack of Candace's containers on the table. Sweet. I went there and rummaged for whatever meaty piece I could eat.

"Why are you up early?" I asked while munching on a leg piece of chicken. "What time did we get to the bedroom anyway?"

"I don't know."

I felt a tinge of guilt when I was just watching him do everything on his own. So, I grabbed the Red Horse cage and stacked them on the wall. I went to the pool and grabbed the flying plates and cups on the ground. Good thing that it didn't fly on the pool.

Karl wasn't speaking to me, which was weird. My memories were hazy, but I remembered that I had a good time with him last night, just like what we had before in college. I couldn't remember what he looked like when we were together--just darkness, and a hint of the room illuminated by the street light. That's all.

When we finished cleaning up, my throat felt dry so I grabbed two cups and filled them with water. Karl sat on the bamboo chairs. I handed him the chicken container and the water.

"Eat with me?"

He got the container and placed it in the table.

"Until what time are we allowed to stay here?" I asked.

"9. We need to wake them up by 8."

The caretaker greeted us when he saw us eating at the table. He tended the plants around the villa. 

We weren't talking. Again.

 "So, how will you go back to Elbi later?"

He gulped the chicken before answering. "Sir Gabe drove his car, we joined."

"Ah."

He was tapping his feet. I squinted my eyes and reclined my back on the chair. My head was pounded like a punching bag played by professional boxers. I massaged my head with my thumb, hoping that it would go away.

I cursed. "Stupid hangover." I looked at Karl who was spacing out at the horizon. "How the fuck are you feeling well?"

I tapped his thigh just to get a response.

"W-What?"

"I asked if you have a hangover."

"Oh. Just a bit."

"Even after drinking Paula's mix? Damn."

He chuckled as his response.

My intuition told me that something's wrong with him. 90% I was right, 10% was rooted in misinformation.

To make sure, the only best way is to ask him: "Is there a problem?"

"H-Huh?"

"Are you okay?"

He nodded. "Of course."

"You sure?"

"Yep."

"Really sure?"

"I told you, yes!"

"Geez, you don't have to be so defensive."

He rolled his eyes. "Go away," he said.

"No. I'm staying."

He crossed his arms, as if to say that this was his place from the beginning and I was invading it. 

I glared at him, but he wasn't paying me any attention. I wanted to tap him, but his eyes were opened but he was asleep on the inside. 

After a few seconds, his eyes dropped, then his head.

I got up and fixed my seating position. I pulled him closer and let him lie down on my thighs. He raised both of his feet on the small chair across our seats. He tugged his hands near his chest and shifted sideways.

I brushed his hair gently and hummed Ed Sheeran's Sunburn. That song was the end of Ed Sheeran's + album. When we listened to it together, Karl would always hum it while skimming through our readings and notes. Then, I would belt out the chorus and he would join me, our voices formed a melody that we both understood. We would alternate lines, but we always shouted the chorus with a tone of pain and agony. 

He looked peaceful when he sleeps. My gaze traveled from his hair to his lips. As I looked closer, a small wound was on the corner of his mouth.

And then it dawned me--I slept next to him, our faces inches from each other. Our lips met countless times, and that I wanted it to happen. I initiated it, not him. I remember how my hand was below his head, and his hands buried under my neck and around me, his feet above mine.

That sudden realization was as worse as the pain in my head. And I know for a fact that shouldn't happen again because it was wrong. 

I clenched my fists. I am not that person. It was all a drunken mistake, that's all.

But even that fact tasted bitter in my mouth, as I moved my head closer to him. I had lost the ability to think straight anymore. I was near him and he was near me. I brushed my fingers on his hair and smiled as I put my lips on his forehead.

All I knew that everything was shit. I let it be that way. The chaos was bearable as long as he was next to me.