Someday, I'll Find My Way Home

Axel is haunted, again.

I remembered that night and I still couldn't sleep after being overwhelmed by Paula's confession, Up Dharma Down's concert, and Karl's surprise. I was watching random YouTube videos, and nothing could make my mind waver.

"Karl?" I called him. No response.

I peered on the bottom bed and I saw Karl facing the fall, hugging a pillow on his thigh. Silently, I went down the bed and put Marvin's electric fan on the floor. I grabbed the pillows and put it beside him.

I lay down and wrapped my hands around him.

He smelled like the Dove soap, to be honest. His body still had the whiff of shawarma sauce that he spilled on his neck, and the charcoal smoke when we hang out to eat street food. I was tempted to pinch his small belly, but he could wake up and push me out of his bed.

I closed my eyes.

I didn't know I could feel comfortable to another person in this level--that he would cook meals for me, join me to eat and go on my food trips, and surprise me in his own way. Good thing that he endured my hugs, even though I stink sometimes. It was the side of me that I didn't want other people to know--that I love hugs, and for a man like me, it seemed weird for me to give out hugs to other men. 

Karl didn't judge me for it, as if he knew. But he never hugged me back, which was fine for me. I preferred to be the one who gives, not to receive.

I let my breathing be normal, so I wouldn't wake him up. Slow, calm breaths.

I whispered, "Hey, Karl?"

He didn't answer.

"Thank you for making me feel special today."

Silence.

"I..."

I wanted to say something, but I forgot the term I was looking for in my mind.

Then slowly, my hands found its way to his, and the next thing I knew, they were connected. His hands was a little bit calloused but warm. Safe. That whatever I did, he would still be with me. Against all the odds, he would stay by my side. 

But I was the first one to let go.

Why was I doing this?

Karl is not Paula.

But at the same time, it felt right. That he was the missing piece that I had been looking for. That being with him was the correct decision all along. 

But this was wrong. Not him. I would end up hurting him. I would end up breaking our friendship. Not to a guy, Axel. Never.

When I pulled away, I found myself falling.

I reached for his hand, but I couldn't see him anymore. He was far away that it would be impossible for me to reach him.

I called his name again and again, but he didn't answer.

I was left alone.

-

"Axel?"

I heard a voice of a woman who was shaking my entire upper body. When I could see clearly, it was Karla, the girl I kept dating for about two months now. Her head was near mine, and the streaks of her hair fell on my bare chest.

"You okay?" She threw her hands around my chest. "You're having a bad dream."

I held my forehead and smiled. I caressed her face and told her, "Thanks for waking me up."

"What's it about?"

I shook my head. "It was nothing."

"You're saying a name on your sleep."

I raised my eyebrow. "Who?"

"A boy named Karl?"

I chuckled. "He's... he's a friend from college."

She heaved a sigh of relief. "Good thing that you said that! I thought you're saying my name in a bad dream. I wouldn't want that."

I put my arm around her shoulder as she laid down again. She was wearing one of my oversized shirts with nothing underneath. I put the blanket around us, and then pulled her closer.

I whispered on her ear, "You don't need to worry."

"You sure?"

"Yes." I pinched her nose. "Let's sleep?"

She leaned closer with her eyes closed. I kissed her forehead, her nose, and finally her lips. A smile formed on her lips and on mine too.

"Good night," I whispered.

She wrapped her arms around me, and finally, she went back to sleep. I wasn't.

Something about this did not feel right.

I grabbed my phone from the night stand, and immediately sent a text to Karl's old number.

Why do you keep on appearing on my nightmares?

Are you telling me something?

Isn't it enough that you're haunting me during the day?