Someday, I'll Find My Way Home

Karl needs a distraction.

When I finally realized that I was struggling my part-time tutoring job, being a student assistant, juggling three major subjects plus minor courses that were heavier than usual, and denying this persistent feeling of loneliness, I decided I need a distraction from my life.

Which was great, considering that UPLB's Feb Fair was just right around the corner. Last year, I was with Axel most of the time or my roommates. Now that they all had their own lives and organizations to put forward, I was, for the lack of the better term, alone.

I sighed. The new semester finally sucked for me. Not only was it hard to build a project without a laptop but also very inconvenient in my schedule since I had to drop by the library before 6PM so I could get most done. I tried to finish my tutoring class before that, but to no extent, we always had to extend a little bit so I could make sure that my student gets the topic.

The first half of my sophomore year was great because of Paula. Now that she's not my superclassmate anymore, we rarely see each other except for lecture classes where she chose to sit next to me (because, according to her, I give off a diligent energy that makes her want to study as well). But other than that... she was busy with her organization and Axel.

Axel was... well, Axel. I got used of not eating breakfasts with him, finally. We rarely see each other except for our major classes. He was communicating with me, yes, but only to a lesser extent. Perhaps he finally realized that I wasn't useful to his life anymore, considering that he's with Paula and a big batch of friends that takes care of him.

His birthday was right around the corner too--February 16. Sunday. Last year, we just hang out on Feb Fair together, trying out the rides and eating too much shawarma. I didn't know what to expect this year.

And I tried, as much as I could, to lessen my expectations about anyone. If they wanted to hang out with me, alright, sure. If they don't, life moves on. 

So, as much as possible, I buried myself with work and academics.

When I finally reached my limit, I decided to walk around the campus in my high school jersey and pajamas.

The campus was solemn at this hour. Only a few people were going in and out the campus in groups. I took the road going to Engineering instead. 

I passed by the Math building, worn down by decades as it seemed crumbling with a flick of a finger. I saw myself walking with Axel en route to our recitation class when we were freshmen, running while reciting formulas before our exercise began. I saw myself with Marvin as we walked out after an exam, absolutely defeated by the exam and fatigue. And here I was, walking alone in a stray path.

I was tempted to peek inside, but I remembered stories about sexual encounters at this hour. Not the best time to see those.

 I listened to Up Dharma Down's Capacities album and tried my best not to break down while walking. I wanted to see Armi Millare up close while singing my favorite song in this album, Feelings. Or hear Axel sing it again for me again, because he was humming the chorus while we were falling asleep on his apartment when the five of us reviewed for our midterm examinations.

I passed by St. Therese, still amazing with a big wooden dome and its long seats formed in a half-circle. I saw empty jeepneys leave. I turned right to the Edible Garden, which had an assortment of flowers and vines arranged in a big circle. Axel and I used to go there as a shortcut from our class in Engineering to the Math building. He would always joke on how he wouldn't eat vegetables if it weren't for my persistent ass.

My lips formed a small smile as my mind replayed his voice, over and over again.

Moving forward.