Someday, I'll Find My Way Home

Axel blames it on the alcohol.

We ended the game after Karl went upstairs, and Candace started her story about her greatest memory with Marvin. And most of them were hopeless romantics, so they stayed and drank.

I followed Karl. 

Why, blame it on the alcohol.

As soon as I opened the door, he said, "Don't come near me."

But I did, anyway. I closed and locked the door. I didn't turn on the lights, and the only light was from the moon trickling down the windows. Even the curtains danced with the breeze. 

I sat on the side of the bed, leaning on the wall. He was hugging his pillow tightly. I ran my fingers on his hair and started singing his favorite song, Teardrops on My Guitar.

I remembered the time when he was crying over a low score on our majors class. He was one of the few who passed that exam, but he still was unhappy on the score he got. Paula and I pulled him over the side and gave him a hug, telling him that it was okay to feel that way, to release the pressure pent up in himself, and just to give him support that he definitely needed.

He had the highest standards set to himself. And looking at  him now, he was the best that could be. He was destined to be a professor. I learned a lot from him, and the one who didn't learn from the past was me.

I laughed to myself as I was struggling with the lyrics.

He stirred to my side.

I wonder if he knew what I feel about him right now. He was the only one who knew me deeper than anyone else. Not even Marvin. Not even Candace. And not even Paula, who I trusted the most for the past years. There was always something about Karl that I couldn't find to other people.

The way he listens to my stories with such interest in his eyes. I loved telling him stories about my daily life, how mundane and random they may be. He was a great listener. He would join me to eat willingly, and then over the food that we ordered, I would blabber anything that comes to in my mind.

The glitter on his eyes everytime he solves a problem on his own. He had this curiosity on the world that I never had and I was envious about. He had this overwhelming passion on learning, even though he was breaking himself to the pressure. 

The way he smiles at me when we're together that makes my day better. He was always reassuring--that even though everything is going down, he would still be waiting for me. He would stand by me on the worst times.

And at the end of the day, my faith on him was strong. That we would be inseparable. We would be infinite. 

But it ended.

I wished I could turn back time and fix my mistakes.

Maybe I was messed up for leaning on to someone for a long time, that when it ended, I didn't know how to stand up for myself. And up until today, I still am a messed-up guy who kept on running back to the past that I couldn't bring back.

The fact that I was trying to mend a broken friendship was just for me and not for him. I was apologizing for myself. I wanted to bring him back in my life just because I couldn't handle it to myself.

I sobbed quietly as I continued to sing. My voice was already cracking. I wiped my eyes with the collar of my shirt.

I lay down beside him and caressed his face. He was everything I hoped I could be. I wanted to be with him for selfish reasons. 

But I wasn't ready to face the truth that I couldn't see him as my friend now. I wanted more than that.

I want to hold his hand and hug him tonight, and I'd just blame it on the alcohol the next morning.