Someday, I'll Find My Way Home

Axel needs time to think.

I spent time alone most of the time for the next weeks, drowning myself with my work and practicing music that I would play for Candace and Marvin's wedding.

Everything I saw was grief. And Karl. And my friends. Nothing in the world mattered more.

Here's what I do, for the most part:

1. Wake up. Don't get too worked up by the fact that I was alone, in my 20s, confused about my own sexuality and doesn't know how to make up with his friends. Try not to cry, either. It was hard not to in the beginning.

2. Try to eat. Or don't, at all. Just coffee in the morning with Migs. We talk about his kids, and my mood lifts a little. I love seeing babies. Then I remembered that Karl was really good at them since he grew up with his young sisters. Mood shift.

3. Work. Work. Work. I might need to get glasses soon.

4. Migs would tap me for lunch. Usually, a cheeseburger would suffice me for the whole day. He would force me to eat more, and he successfully does when his wife made lunch specifically for me. I didn't want to disappoint him.

5. Meetings.

6. I see Macky, one of the junior developers who had a boyfriend named Ethan, at the entrance of the building most of the time when I leave work. They look so happy. And I figured, if they could do it, why can't I?

7. I fetch Karla from her work and we grab a dinner. She talks about her work most of the time. She mentioned Harry, one of her co-workers who I talked with during their night-out. I tried not to think about what we talked about.

8. I brought her home, and I went my way to the gym near my condo.

9. Coming home, I was tired. After taking a bath, I picked up my guitar and practiced playing Tenerife Sea on the balcony under the night sky. Usually with a cold San Mig Light to help me fall asleep.

10. Before I went to bed, I would read Karl's texts over and over again. Then, the question popped in my head again: now that I know that Karl had feelings for me, was I 100% sure that what I felt about him, after all this time, was just friendship?

I still didn't know the answer to that.

-

I didn't realize that Paula and Candace's birthdays had already passed, and I forgot to greet them. 

I sent a message to Candace when I realized it was too late: Hey, belated happy birthday. Sorry I didn't greet you, I forgot.

She replied after working hours.

How are you feeling?

Couldn't be worse.

Look, I know this is hard for you. Take all the time you need to think.

Thanks. I'm sorry for forgetting your birthday again. I'll make it up to you soon.

I'm looking forward to that. We miss you.

Miss you all too.

-

November came, and Karla and I went on to more dates than usual. Honestly, I didn't know how we went to this point that she was open and honest to me. She didn't deserve the lack of attention that I was giving her, but for the most part, she didn't pick that up.