In This Life (Sequel to 'In Another Life')

9

I lay there, the TV playing in the background while I got lost in my thoughts. I remembered the thousands of screen shots and videos used to invade my phone. All of the times I went through them, determined to clean out my phone because all of my memory was gone. Only I never deleted any of them because I just couldn't. I use to have it so bad. I laughed at myself, and closed my eyes. Who was I kidding? I still had a bath. Even when I was denying it, it was there. I doubt it would ever go away. Colby just had something about him that just drove you in, and hooked you, without even realizing it, until it was too late. I realized that as much as I use to watch him, Sam, and the rest of the gang, as immersed in their lives as I use to be ... I didn't know anything about them now, besides what Kat and Tara had talked about when we went to eat. That wasn't really anything. They asked about me and what I was doing mainly. It kind of made me realize that I didn't have a clue what was going on with them. Well, that was going to change. I was going to be a good friend and stop being so selfish. I'm sure they understood that I just couldn't bring myself to watch their videos because I couldn't bear to see Colby. They were all just genuinely nice people. Watching their videos wasn't a requirement to be their friend. I smiled thinking about past videos I had watched, with them just being their crackhead selves. Those were my favorite videos. The ones where they just acted like they always do, and don't change or be extra for the camera. Too bad I didn't Don't have YouTube on this damn hospital TV. Where the fuck was my phone? Did it even survive the crash? I didn't think to ask about it. Now I knew I had something I could do instead of watching whatever dumb ass show was on the TV. I started thinking about life, and what had changed with me being in the hospital. OH MY GOD, MY JOB! My body gave a kind of jerk because I had tried to sit up really fast. Pain shot through my lower back, making me cry out, and tears spring to my eyes. Damn it, that hurt so bad. I shifted just a little, trying to ease the pain, but it wasn't really helping. I closed my eyes and tried to think of something else. Oh yeah, my job. What had happened to that? It felt like I wanted to cry again. My brand new amazing job and I only got to experience one freaking day of it. They had hired someone else. There was no way they were waiting around for me. "Fuck me," I muttered aloud. I guess I eventually fell asleep, because I woke to a dark room, and a nurse checking my vitals. "How are you feeling?" she asked, in a kind voice. I cleared my dry throat and she passed my water thermos. "I'm okay, I guess. Can I get some more ibuprofen though. I'm hurting," I responded. I knew that the medicine wouldn't really help all that much but I was trying to trick my brain into believing that it would. She brought it to me, helped me take it, then helped me settle back down in the bed. I closed my eyes when she left, wanting sleep to take me again. I knew that the sooner it did, the sooner I would be having the dreaded conversation with Justin, but that was better than this pain. It felt like it was just constantly getting worse. After a fitful night of crying, and trying to shift my body to relieve some of the pain, I woke the next morning to voices in my room. "Is she okay?" I heard Justin ask. "Yes, she'll be fine. It's just going to be very hard on her. She's got to keep a positive mindframe, and push herself or she won't be able to get through this. You have to help her," my doctor replied. "I will," he answered. "I'll do anything for her." Aw damn it. My heart felt like it split into with those words. Here he was planning on helping me get through this, while I was contemplating how to break up with him because I was in love with someone else. I was a horrible person. I cracked my eyes when I heard the doctor leave and the door to my room close. "Hey pretty girl, I didn't know that you were awake. How are you feeling?" he asked me, as he walked over to sit in the chair next to my head. He scooted it closer so that he could take my hand in his. "I'm okay. In pain but it's manageable," I replied, moving my free hand to the controls on my bed so that I could sit up. It took a lot of do, but I managed. "I wish I could take your pain away baby. I'm so sorry that I put you in here," he said, his eyes going sad again. I didn't want to talk about that right now. I couldn't have him being upset and blaming himself when I was about to break his heart even more. I shook my head at him. "J, please don't do that. Don't blame  yourself. It was an accident. I don't blame you," I said softly, squeezing his hand lightly. It was getting easier to move, the more I moved around in my bed, but I was still pretty much stuck doing nothing. I could see that he still blamed himself, but I couldn't worry about that right now, or I would never do what needed to be done. "I need to talk to you, and I hope-" I broke off, taking a shaky breath as the first sign of tears pricked my eyelids. "I hope that you don't hate me, after- after I tell you what I have to say." He closed his eyes slowly, for just a moment, then opened them backup. He knew. I could see it. He was preparing himself. "I could never hate you T. That's not possible. I know that you love Colby. I was an idiot to not see it before but you were just so adamant about not loving him that I let myself believe you."