In This Life (Sequel to 'In Another Life')

74

"So you don't remember...sleeping with her?" I choked out. The question left a nasty taste in my mouth. He shook his head. "No. I don't remember anything after I lay down. I can't believe that I would do something like that." He looked crushed and confused. My chest tightened, making it hard for me to breath, when he met my gaze. "I would never do something like this. I just wish I could remember..." He sighed heavily, and flipped his hand over so that he was gripping mine. "I don't know what to do here T. I feel like I did something wrong, but I have no recollection of it. It's weird. I feel violated and dirty, but I don't know how to make that go away. I wish I could just go back, and tell her no. I wish that I would've just went to bed with you. I guess I can't do that though...and now it feels like something is broken with us." I leaned forwards, and pressed my lips against his softly. An image of what I had seen on that couch moments before flashed in my mind, making me jerk back away from him. He smiled sadly at me. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "I guess it's going to take some time. But I love you Colby. We can get through this. I do believe that." He nodded, and pulled his hand away. "Yeah, some time. That's fine. I get it. I'm going to go get a shower." I watched him walk away, and felt the tears welling up in my eyes. Did I deserve this? Was this karma coming to bite me in the ass for all of the fucked up things that I had done, the way I had discarded people for my own selfish needs. Amber especially. No matter how angry and hurt I was by her actions, she did have a point. I knew that she was messed up. She had always been ruthless to people that she believed had done her wrong. But I knew why. Amber had never had an easy life. She was abused by her alcoholic parents, had started doing drugs at a very early age, gotten into relationships where the guy took complete control of her life. What started as something she couldn't control, ended up being a long list of bad choices. It was like she thought she was worthless, so she didn't allow herself to have anything good. She was self destructive. I knew that from the first time that I met her. When we became friends, Amber was the one that was always right by my side. When she finally opened up to me, it was like I was a life preserver to keep her from drowning. She was right about me dropping her. I did. I was more focused on myself getting better. I was selfish. I didn't want to help her, because I didn't want to open myself back up to that life. I did what was best for me, even though she got badly hurt in the process. I felt sick to my stomach thinking about the multiple times she had called me, or texted, and I would just ignore her. I made her into this hateful, vengeful person, and I was reaping the consequences of my selfishness. On one hand I wanted to reach out to her, to make it right, but on the other hand, I never wanted to see her again. While I did accept the fact that I may have deserved some kind of karma for how I treated her, this was too far. I couldn't forgive this. My heart grieved over the friend that I had once had, and over the relationship that Colby and I had before this. It was innocent, carefree, trusting. The biggest problems we had were my personal ones, like addiction and healing my body. Now, it was damaged, tarnished, the trust not shattered but badly cracked. I knew that I didn't want anyone else, and that Colby was meant to be in my life. I prayed that I would be able to get over my own insecurities, my past heartaches, to help him through this situation too. He had basically been violated. She had forced herself onto him. He had been...no, I couldn't think about that right now. I would never be able to forgive her. The more the thought of what she did to him ran through my mind, I knew that I would get past this. We would get past this. He was hurting as much, if not more than I was. Something traumatic had just happened to him, and I would stand by him to help him through it. I heard the door open down the hall, signalling that Colby's shower was finished. I had sat here for thirty minutes, contemplating what had happened. It seemed like forever and no time at all. "Hey," he said, his voice low as he walked into my room. His wet hair was almost black, no trace of the purple that he had recently dyed it too. There was a towel hanging low on his hips, his clothes in his hand. "Hey," I replied. I stood up, holding his gaze, and crossed the room to stand in front of him. I put my arms around his neck, feeling his damp skin against mine. "I love you Colby. I'm sorry that I allowed her into our lives. I'm sorry that you have experienced something that no one should ever have too. I'm sorry that I was the reason for it. I will do whatever I can to help you through it and to never allow my self to be duped so easily again." He stared down at me, then leaned down and pressed his soft lips against mine forcefully. It felt like we were pushing against these horrible things that kept happening to us, determined to not let them win. "It's not your fault," he breathed, when he finally broke the kiss. I nodded, and let my fingers play with the damn hair that was hanging down his neck. "It is. I shouldn't have did what I did to Amber. If I had been a true friend and tried to help her, we wouldn't be in this mess now. That would've never happened to you. But I was too selfish, worried about making my life better no matter who got tossed away."