In This Life (Sequel to 'In Another Life')

93

When I made it outside, I started running down the sidewalk, not knowing where I was going, just running. Running away from it all. The slight breeze dried the tears on my face, but more kept coming, taking their place. I couldn't breathe, and my legs were burning, growing weaker, but I kept running. I felt it coming, when my body collapsed on the hard concrete. My hands automatically came out to cushion my fall. The pain that shot up my arm made me think that I had broken my wrist. I didn't care. It was a small penance to pay. I struggled to sit up, hearing people running towards me. By the time Justin and Denise reached me, I was just sitting on the concrete, my head in my hands, sobbing. I didn't understand how I could still be crying. Could you dehydrate from crying? "Terra..." Denise said my name, her voice full of sympathy and pain, then sat down next to me on the sidewalk. She put her arm around me and pulled me close to her while Justin just stood there awkwardly for a moment. Then he sat on the other side of me and took my hand in his. There was nothing sexual about it, just him offering comfort. "I'm so sorry this happened T. I know she was your friend. No one deserves to go out like that," Denise said quietly. I sniffed, and wiped my face with my hand. "No, she didn't deserve this," I croaked out, my throat sore. I wished more than anything that Colby was here with me right now. I needed him and he wouldn't be home for two more days. A fresh wave of sobs wracked my body, and I was unable to stop them. My breath came in hard gasps, sending pain through my rib cage from the force. Denise and Justin sat next to me until I cried myself out. I don't know how long it took but I was grateful to them both. I felt empty, like I had nothing left inside of me. It was all gone. Amber took my already broken soul with her when she died. "Are you ready to go home?" Denise asked me quietly. The sobs wracked my body again as soon as I tried to answer her. Justin stood, then picked me up in his arms like I was a child. I didn't even try to stop him. I didn't think I had the strength to move, much less walk. Every time I thought that I was finished crying, it would just start again a few moments later. He followed Denise to her car, letting her open the passenger side door, before setting me down inside of it. I felt like I wasn't completely here, like this couldn't be reality. I didn't like this reality. He leaned across me and buckled my seat belt for me, while Denise got in the driver's side. "Is she gonna be okay?" she asked him. I didn't bother reminding her that I was right here. Maybe I wasn't. Maybe this was just a really bad dream. Maybe I was too far gone. "Eventually," he answered her. "I think she's in shock. Keep an eye on her Neece. This isn't going to help her stay sober. She's going to need you to help her fight. Do you still think I should come hang out for a while?" I closed my eyes, and let myself live in the darkness behind my lids, wishing that they would stop talking. I wanted to crawl into the darkness and just stay there, where nothing could touch me. Where this empty feeling, this ache in my chest, the memory of Amber didn't exist. I wanted to be numb. "Yeah, I think so J. I'm not sure that I can handle this alone and Colby is out of town. I don't know if I should tell him or not. Him and Sam are filming for Netflix this weekend. There isn't really anything he can do, but I'm just not sure what to do here," Denise said. "Okay, I'll follow you there," J said. "How are you feeling T?" Denise asked, once the car started moving. I turned my head towards the window, and opened my eyes, but didn't answer her. It was pointless. What did I feel? Helpless. Hopeless. Worthless. Less seemed to be the prominent word here. I was less than I was hours ago, and I wasn't sure that I would be able to ever find that person again. She had been damaged one too many times. "Don't tell him," I said, my voice strained. "What?" she asked. "Colby. Don't tell him," I repeated. I didn't want to mess up his trip and Denise was right. There was nothing he could do but hold me. No matter how much I wanted that right now, how much I might feel like I needed it, I couldn't ask that of him. Me being a selfish bitch is what caused Amber to- the sobs started again, hurting my lungs. Denise was silent the rest of the ride home, my sobs being the only sound in the car. I watched the buildings and city lights fly by out my window, as the tears continued to cascade down my face. It was fleeting, just like life. It could be over before you knew it. Everything could change in one little moment, and that was terrifying to me now. When we reached our home, she turned the car off. I could feel her watching me, but I didn't speak. "Do you need help getting inside the house?" she asked, her voice filled with worry. I shook my head and opened my door. Justin was there as soon as I did. "Come on, let me help you," he said quietly. "NO," I said forcefully, then cleared my tired throat. "I've got it. I'm fine." Why did everyone always want to fucking help me? Why me? Why couldn't someone have helped Amber? Why couldn't she have had the chance to change her life, to have the support, the friends that she needed? Why did I get that option, but she never did? I wasn't special. I wasn't better than her? So why me?