In This Life (Sequel to 'In Another Life')

73

"Not your fault," I whispered back. I knew that to be true. It wasn't his fault...but this was ripping me apart inside. He stepped towards me hesitantly, and held his arms out. I stood still but let him wrap his arms around me. My head was against his chest, but my arms hung down by my side. It didn't feel the same anymore. It was different. Amber had tainted our relationship, and I didn't know how to get it back to the way it was before. All I could see when I closed my eyes was her lying on top of him, both of them half naked. It was branded into my brain with a hot poker, a festering sore that was already starting to get infected. He let me go, and stepped back. "Are we okay T?" He asked, running his hand through his hair. I avoided his gaze and nodded. "Yeah. We're okay. What happened wasn't your fault. I know that." "Are you sure? Because you don't sound sure. You know I would never do that to you. Not by my own free will. I would never hurt you like that." I nodded again, beginning to feel like a robot who was just reacting like it was supposed too. "Can we talk? Let's go sit in the liv- in your room and talk about this," he said, holding his hand out to me. I stared at his empty hand for a few moments, not moving. That hand had been on her body, making her feel things that only I was supposed to feel from him. How was I supposed to just get over this? While it wasn't his fault, Amber had made sure that I would be hurt more than just the one time. Every time I looked at him, I felt another little piece of my heart shatter. I took a deep breath, still staring at his open palm. "T? Please," he said, his voice a begging whisper. I looked up and met his gaze, searching his eyes for some kind of answer to what I was supposed to do, but I didn't find one. All I saw was heartache, hurt, and fear. He was afraid he was going to lose me. Was he? I didn't want to lose him but I somehow felt like I had already lost part of him. I reached out slowly, keeping my gaze locked with his, and set my palm gently inside of his. He gripped it tightly, closed his eyes, and let out a heavy sigh. We walked towards my room, not daring to even glance at the living room. It felt like we were on death row, walking towards our inevitable doom. The doom of our relationship. My throat tightened at the thought. Once we reached my room, he stepped back, and let me go ahead of him. I let his hand go and walked inside, averting my eyes from the half made bed. The bed that only one person slept in last night. Instead I took a seat over by the little reading nook that was in the corner of my room, and brought my feet up under me. Colby watched me, then grabbed the back of the office chair that was sitting in front of the desk. He swung it around and sat in it backwards, resting his arms on the back of it. "So," he started, but then fell quiet. He reached up to his ear and started twisting his helix piercing. I watched his movements, realizing that they were already recorded in my mind. The little things, the way he would nervously fidget with his piercings or his rings, the way he would fix his hair as soon as he thought he was on camera...the way his eyes would light up when I walked into a room. "What do we do?" he asked quietly, meeting my gaze. "I don't have an answer for that Colby," I said, sighing. "It feels like we're saying goodbye. I don't want that T. I love you." My heart squeezed tightly, like there was a vise on it, putting more and more pressure. "I love you too. I always have. Something broke inside of me today though. I don't know how to fix it, no matter how hard-." My voice broke as a hard sob racked my body. He stood up and hurried to my side. When he sat down next to me, his arm came around me and I froze. I didn't want too. I didn't want to react this way to his touch. Something that was once so comforting to me, now had a layer of hurt and disgust attached to it. He noticed and moved his arm. "I can't touch you now?" he asked, his voice laced with pain. I wiped the treacherous tears from my face, and took a deep breath, before looking at him. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "I know that none of this is your fault. It's just, I keep seeing it, in my head. You and her-" I squeezed my eyes shut against the image that popped into my head, but it did nothing. "Together. You were holding her, like you hold me. I can't make the image go away Colby. Why won't it go away?" I whimpered, meeting his gaze again. "Why were you holding her that way?" "Because I thought she was you T. I didn't even know that I was on the couch. I thought I was in bed with you. I didn't realize it was her, until you showed up. Last night...I remember taking you to bed, then telling her that I was going to lie down with you. Only she started crying a little and said she didn't want to be alone with her thoughts. I should've just went to bed, but you know me. I can never pass an opportunity to help, when someone asks." He shook his head, and started picking at his cuticles. He hadn't done that in a long time. "Then she offered to make me a glass of tea so I said okay. I never thought that- Anyway, I spilled it and took off my shirt. I was hot and didn't feel right so I lay down on the couch. That's the last thing I remember." I reached out and put my hand over his, stopping him from tearing into his cuticle again.