In This Life (Sequel to 'In Another Life')

10

He shook his head and looked down at our intertwined hands. "I love you T. I've always seen you in that mall since you first. You looked so sad and I just wanted to make you smile. When we started hanging out and you let me be your friend, I loved making you smile and was honored that you allowed me to do that. Then he showed up and I saw it. I saw that you loved him more than anything. Maybe more than your own life. " I lay there quietly, not speaking as I listened to him tell me past from his point of view. "When you came home after that week in Savannah, you were broken. I hated it. I hated him for making you that way. I watched you go down this path and I felt like I couldn't stop you. I watched you get with Levi, and start changing into this person that I didn't know. So I tried to help the best that I knew how." I gave him a small smile. "You did help me Justin. You saved me. I might even be dead right now if it weren't for you. I will always love you for that...but I don't want you to keep hanging on to me, when I know I have feelings for someone else. It isn't right, and it's just going to make us resent one another. I don't want to lose you in my life but I don't want to hurt you even more." I looked down, letting the tears fall freely now. My chest was heavy and it was hard to breath. I heard him sigh, pain coating the sound. I squeezed my eyes shut, pain wracking my chest as the sobs took over. I thought that I could do this. I need to do this but oh, it hurt so fucking bad. I heard him stand, and lean over me. I glanced up at him, preparing myself for the hurt that I knew was in his eyes. When I met his gaze, my heart splintered in two, making me want to grab my chest. "I'm so sorry Justin. I do love you. So fucking much. I just- I can't- I'm so so sorry," I sobbed. He gave me a sad smile, his eyes filling with tears of their own. "I can't say that I didn't see it coming T. I always knew that you still held him in your heart. I was just hoping that I could push him out eventually," he said quietly, his voice catching. He leaned down and placed a soft kiss against my lips. I kissed him back, hard, showing him that I did really love him. Justin would always have a special place in my heart. He pulled away, then wiped the tears from his face. "You can still come home, you know. I'll take care of you T. I promise," he replied trying to give me a real smile. I looked down at my hands and started twisting them together, exercising them. "Um, I don't think that's a good idea J. I think I'm going move back in with Denise and the girls. She's getting my room ready." He looked disappointed but nodded. "Yeah, you're right. Maybe not such a good idea. I guess I'm going to go. Do you need anything before I leave?" I shook my head. "I really am sorry J. I do love you," I replied with a shaky voice. "I know T. It's okay," he replied, leaning down to kiss the top of my head. "I will always love you Terra." He stood, smiled at me sadly, and turned to leave. "Hey J," I called out, remembering something. He turned back around, looking hopeful and it broke my heart all over again. "I, um, do you know what happened to my phone? It gets so boring in here," I asked him sheepishly. He didn't reply, but he walked over to one of the cabinets that was in my room and opened it. He dug through a few things then turned to face me, holding up my phone. He handed it to me, smiled sadly, then turned to go again. "Thank you," I called out, watching his back retreat. He held up a hand, but didn't turn around. I had a strong suspicion that he was crying. Once he was gone, I closed my eyes and concentrated on trying to move my muscles. I concentrated on the pain in my body so that I could ignore the pain in my heart. As much as my body was hurting, my heart hurt a thousand times worse. I knew that I had done the right thing though. Justin was an amazing guy and he deserved someone that would love him just as strongly as he loved them. That was never going to be me. Someone else owned my heart and there was nothing that I could do about it. The rest of the week was tough. Physical therapy kicked my ass and I was in so much pain that I wanted to scream. Actually, I did a few times. I couldn't take any pain medication, so I was left with screaming at everyone. I guess misery loves company for real. I took my anger out on everyone who came to visit me if they were unlucky enough to see me right after my physical therapy. Denise and Colby though, they got the worst of it, because they were there with me the most. They didn't even seem to mind that I was verbally attacking them. Instead, they took it, told me to do what I had to do, and followed me down the hall with the nurse when she made me walk a little on my last day."Oh Fuck OFF," I yelled at Colby, after trying to encourage me to just take one more step. I was leaning on my cane, breathing heavily from the exertion, letting my therapist help keep me up. My entire body was racked with pain, and I wasn't in the mood for someone to tell me to take one more damn step. He didn't know if I could do it. He didn't know how badly I was hurting. How badly I wanted to find my doctor and start rescinding the order for no pain meds. I couldn't deal with this. It was too much. "Come on Terra. You got this baby girl. One more step. I know you can do it!" he encouraged me.I tried to move my foot one more time, and anger flared up with the intense pain shooting up my back.