In This Life (Sequel to 'In Another Life')

98

"She was Mrs. Gail. For a while. Life just got to be too much for her. I'm so sorry." I didn't know what to say besides that I was sorry. What else can you say to a person when they've lost someone they love? Deepest condolences? That was the shittiest thing to say in my opinion. Condolences meant sympathy. No one wanted sympathy. They wanted their loved one back but they weren't going to get that. Sympathy didn't help anyone. We didn't want sympathy. We wanted to rage, and ask God why they had to go. We wanted to get shitfaced drunk and black out so that we didn't remember for just a little while. Condolences...I give you sympathy even though it does you absolutely no good, and probably makes you feel even worse. Fuck you and your sympathy. I guess that was basically the same as saying you were sorry though. It did neither party any good. Just useless words that made the person saying them think that they had done their part. I heard Mrs. Gail's sobs come hard and fast, and my own chest ached. I wished more than anything that I could go back. That I could go back to when Justin carried me out of that dreadful drug den, and make him get Amber too. Maybe she would've been okay if I had done that. I closed my eyes and pressed my fingers over my mouth to keep the agony inside. I didn't want to make this harder on her grandmother. The woman had worked her fingers to the bone trying to make sure that Amber had a decent life, but by the time she got Amber, it was too late. She was already lost. She tried, oh she tried so hard to save her. Nothing she did ever seemed to stick though. "Mrs. Gail," I whispered into the phone. After taking a moment to calm herself, she answered me. "I'm okay Terra. I'm okay baby. Oh, how I'm going to miss my sweet girl. She was good, ya know? I know that some people only saw the bad in her, but she had a heart of gold. The world just beat her down so hard. No child deserves what she had to live through." She sniffed, and cleared her throat. "Okay," she said sounding stronger. "I'm going to have her body sent here. She should be laid to rest next to her grandpa. He loved his little shortcake so much. The way her eyes used to light up when she saw him. Now they're together." Her voice cracked on the last sentence but she powered through it. "Can you give me the number to the police station sweetie? So I can get the information that I need." "Yes ma'am," I answered. "One second." I searched up the information that she needed, and rattled it off to her. "Thank you baby. Will you be coming home for the service? You know she'd want you there. She loved you Terra. She might've been jealous and spiteful sometimes, but she loved you so much." "I'll be there," I whispered, the ache in my chest growing stronger. "Good, good. I'll call you with the details. Goodbye Terra. Thank you for being such a good friend to my girl." I swallowed the lump in my throat, knowing that what she said was a lie. I hadn't been a good friend to her. Not at all. "Goodbye Mrs. Gail," I said, and disconnected the call. "Oh for fuck's sake," I groaned, as the sobs hit me yet again. "Is this ev-ever gonna st-stop?" I wailed, wiping the tears from my face. "It will one day. Until then, you mourn how you need too. It's okay to cry T. It's okay to miss her, to wish better for her," Colby said quietly, rocking me in his arms. I looked up at him, and met his gaze. "I'm sorry your trip was ruined." "Don't you worry about that. We explained to the company that we had a death in the family. They understand. It'll just push back the release date a little. Nothing big. You've got bigger things to think about right now. The funeral will probably be this by this weekend. Do you need me to go with you?" I couldn't ask him to do that. To go to someone's funeral who hadn't been very good to him. Oh, I still hadn't told him that she didn't actually assault him. I guess it was dumb of us to just assume that. The whole situation had just been so surprising and nerve wracking. "Just let me know when," he said, not waiting for me to answer. God, I loved this man more than anything. Justin and Sam left soon after, but Colby insisted on staying the night. I was grateful. I cried at various times throughout the day. No warning at all. A memory of Amber would pass through my mind, and the tears would start again. Denise and Colby stayed with me, putting on dumb YouTube videos with no real purpose other than to try and make me laugh. Sometimes I would be able to zone out on them, other times, it was noise in the background while my mind played all of the times that I could've done something differently. Regret was the biggest factor that I had right now, and it was a hard, cold pit in my stomach, just settling there like a stone. I didn't bother voicing how I was feeling because I knew that both of them would rush to take up for me, and tell me that it wasn't my fault. I knew better though. I knew that part of it was my fault. There were things that I could've done differently. Maybe it wouldn't have changed anything and we would still be where we are now. Or it could've changed everything and she might've been sitting here with us, sober, happy, with friends. There was no way for me to know. The next few nights, I cried myself to sleep in Colby's arms. My heart was broken, but I felt safe with him. I felt loved.