Serving the Commander

Disloyalty

*Kylo's view*

(Disclaimer I know this story does not follow the Star Wars plot closely, it is intentional.)

Holding her close focusing on her shallow breathing, mind wondering how you are going to convince Snoke that you must have her in your life. Thinking about the events leading up to now, that weasel Hux blabbing his stupid mouth he's lucky I didn't kill him the first chance I got, walking into the throne room seeing Snoke resting against the large royal seat, hands gripped on the throne arms. "You are weak commander Ren, there is no room for foolish, cheap, throw away women in the first order. If I am informed again of your faults, I will force you to do away with her brutally, your priorities are to me and the order nothing else, learn your place or suffer greatly."

It was torture ignoring her, every moment of everyday she clouds my mind, the hurt expression on her face as she shut the door on me. Every morning I find myself walking aimlessly towards her quarters, arriving at her door a few times before realizing where I am the sudden imagery of being forced to impale her with my saber always pulling me away. I long for her constantly but the fear of losing her forever isn't worth the risk, every day she shows up for report I can't even look her in the face for trepidation of breaking down by the sight of her beauty.

On a day like the rest tasked with the burden of meeting the new staff watching as she slips in through the door hiding against the wall, her body language strewn with signs of distress. Watching as the new members walk away her face turning pale, staring at her all you want to do is embrace her, comfort her something is obviously wrong but instead dismissing her only for her to ignore you frozen in place. Speaking louder "you are dismissed (y/n) you can leave now." Watching as she replies words broken her body trembling, she brushes off your questions of concern leaving the room quickly, every fiber within you screams to follow her but you know you cannot.

That evening you were able to explain to her why you have been so distant her reluctance finally breaking in the dark of night, the intense sexual relationship between you two is something you have never experienced. Every woman you have ever been with was just a fling even your first time she meant nothing, never allowing yourself to accept anything else than a quick fuck, but with her it is different. Since the moment first seeing her, she's bombarded every part of me, never knowing what love really feels like assuming this is a close guess.

Watching now as she turns around naked back facing you leaning down inhaling her sweet perfume gently kissing her shoulder, knowing you won't be able to go back to sleep, slowly creeping out of bed quietly getting dressed before leaving out the door. Walking the halls in the early morning suddenly being stopped by a passing trooper who informs you that Snoke is looking for you, heart racing with thoughts 'what does he need this late? Does he know what just happened between us (y/n)?' He informs of a mission that cannot wait you must immediately leave no time to waste, mind wondering back to her lying blissfully in your bed totally oblivious to your departure. Rushing towards your fighter informing Hux to alert all main staff of your absence knowing that is the simplest way to inform her without causing suspicion.

The mission is to try and locate your uncle, searching planet after planet for weeks and weeks each day growing longer. Every night the loneliness finds you the only thing you can clearly focus on is her still frame lying against your black sheets the overwhelming need to reach out and touch her always dissolving when met with only emptiness. 'Does she miss me? Is she safe, happy, lonely too?' This mission has proven more difficult than imagined, still no luck in locating Skywalker. The only thing you've gotten out of it is a nasty gash across the face during an attack, recovery was difficult but the news of returning home soon kept you going the thought of seeing her is the only thing that eases the pain. The weeks mashed together not knowing exactly how long you have been gone now, only knowing it's been well over a month 'will she be waiting for me like I've waited for her?' The trip back to base was long, longer than normal the anticipation of seeing her lingers on every minute, the dark snowy planet coming into focus brings your heart to a steady pace.

Arriving in the docking bay the fighter doors opening, quickly walking past Hux as he spouts nonsense not hearing a single word, the only thing on your mind is to rush to her quarters, her embrace you've longed for since the moment you left. Walking down the dark halls a figure heading in your direction, stopping in your tracks recognizing it to be (y/n) she's rushing down the hall fumbling with her open shirt her bra exposed hair uneven her lipstick smeared and skirt risen past her upper thigh, eyes catching a torn hole in her stocking. Anger fuming within mind racing 'what the hell is going on she was clearly just fucked by someone; she didn't wait for you she doesn't care this whole thing has been a lie.'

Standing immobile as she collides against you watching as she looks up embarrassment on her face she tries forcing the rest of her ripped shirt into her skirt, every piece of you trembling with anger wanting to shred whoever she was just with. Her cold tone speaks but your focus is locked on the open button at the top of her shirt reaching for it hand shaking clasping it closed again 'why was she acting like this... what had I done? Why am I the bad guy does not she know how much I care for her? My face permanently scarred; she was the only thing pushing me forward up off that boulder continuing to fight before bleeding out.'

She speaks again yelling at you for leaving her without a word 'fucking Hux he had to deliberately ignore my orders to inform everyone, maybe I'll take my rage out on him.' Removing your helmet, needing to see her clearly to make sure you are not imagining this, her hand reaching up towards your face, fingers grazing the scar her touch soft against your blazing skin. She asks what happened but the only thing you can think is how she's betrayed you as your anger builds gripping one hand on your saber the overwhelming urge rising, other hand gripping her wrist flinging it away 'I don't want her touch, her hands were probably just wrapped around some other guys cock.' Grumbling "Go." She must leave before you do something you will regret, the pain in your heart a shattering numbness as she tells you the person bothering her was her ex and she's back with him.

Wrath flowing through you leaving her presence, out of site igniting the saber taking your anger out on the hallway frames slashing and ripping through the metal with ease, heart pounding letting out a loud bloodcurdling roar 'fuck her! Fuck him! Fuck this stupid base! Fuck the first order fuck everything! I'll split that filth in pieces when I see him!' Stomping towards your room slamming the door shut heart aching deeply every beat pulsating with pain, marching towards the bedroom stumbling against the wall breath escaping your mouth rapidly, thoughts racing 'why did she go back to him, didn't he hurt her? I've never intentionally hurt her I would never, yet she runs back to that fuck the first chance she gets.'

Rage boiling slamming your fist against the wall crushing it easily, screaming again letting the wrath escape you, arm stretched out fists balling pulling at the dresser drawers flinging them across the room with the flick or your wrist. Other hand forces the mattress up off the bed with ease waving your arm slamming the mattress into the wall, falling to your knees objects floating around you sobbing into your hands the items falling to the floor around you. Lying flat staring at the red ceiling hot tears falling down your cheeks the salt stinging the healing scar, no sleep comes tonight instead withdrawn into your thoughts not moving from the sprawled position, grief wrapping it's bitter self around you tightly.