Transformation: Becoming Ben Solo (A Reylo Fanfic)

Prologue

[Kylo Ren's POV]

Kylo Ren stormed straight to his quarters upon returning to the Finalizer, after the battle of Crait. He simply sat, stunned by all that had happened this day.  Extreme frustration and disappointment coursing through him – crushing him, as he recalled the events.  A knot of pain had settled in his chest, threatening to choke him.  Tightly clenching his fists to try to regain some semblance of control, his entire body started to shake as he thought about the series of events that resulted in the worst day of his life thus far.

The Supremacy – destroyed – split in half and crashed when the Resistance Admiral Holdo sacrificed herself by launching their cruiser into light speed directly at the First Order's flagship. He was lucky to have made it off alive.  It was too bad that Hux was one of them to survive too.

His uncle Luke – not even there – had sacrificed himself and helped the Resistance escape. Diverted his attention to allow them time to flee.  He had lost them.  He hated that man!  The only small comfort was that his uncle was finally dead and could plague him no more.

Then there was the girl – the Scavenger.  She was able to get them out on that piece of garbage, and had saved many more of them even earlier by drawing off the TIEs during the battle.   He had lost them.  He had lost her.

The only saving grace was that he was now the Supreme Leader.  But he'd be ruling alone.  His first task as the Supreme Leader and he had already screwed it up.  He bit back the feeling of despair that threatened to overwhelm him.  She had come to him, but she was gone.  She had left.  Left him unconscious on the floor – after he had sacrificed everything to save her!

He put his head in his shaking hands, tearing his fingers through his hair, taking deep breaths to keep his emotions under control.  He couldn't think of her – wouldn't think of her.  Her hazel eyes kept flashing through his head.  In the elevator, kneeling in front of him in tears in the Throne Room, and then afterward, when he had offered her his hand – his own heart on his sleeve.  He was so sure she would stay with him!  She felt it! He knew she did!  His emotions rose up, threatening to choke him.  Uncontrollable tears threatening to fall.

He thought of her eyes again, and like usual, he felt himself begin to harden.  He let out a shuddering breath, and clenched his fists to try to tamp down the urge.  He couldn't help it. He needed her – so much - and in so many ways, and she had rejected him.  Like everyone else, she had abandoned him....

Huffing out a shaky, uncontrolled breath, he covered his face with his hands and screamed into them.  NO!  He would not let her weaken him like this.  Emotions roiling, he choked down his disappointment.  Anger began to simmer in his veins.  She didn't want him, didn't care about him!  It was all a lie.  She only came to the Supremacy to save her precious Resistance.   It was never about him!  Like a mantra, he kept chanting it over and over in his head.  If he said it enough, eventually he'd actually believe it.

It no longer mattered.   Snoke was dead, and the bond with him.  The connection they shared gone, and along with it that inexplicable draw, that pull, he'd felt toward her ever since he'd first laid eyes on her on Takodana.  He'd probably never see her again anyways.  The thought caused a quick stab in his chest, and he pushed it away.

He got up and began to pace.  Anger building to rage.  He would fix this!  He would find them and eliminate them once and for all.  He would show the First Order and the rest of the galaxy that he was the rightful Supreme Leader, a better leader than Snoke – but they would still fear him all the same.  He would prove that he was more than simply a child in a mask!

He stripped off his grimy clothes and went into the fresher with new resolve – anger still fueling his thoughts.  He would end the Resistance! But when he glanced in the mirror all he could see were a pair of hazel eyes....

He let out a gut-wrenching, tormented scream and slammed his fist into the mirror – shattering the image that he couldn't get out of his mind.

**

[Rey's POV]

She had failed.  As she sat on the Falcon, staring at the two broken pieces of Master Luke's lightsaber, the only thing she could feel was an overwhelming sense of failure.  Struggling to hold back tears, she replayed the events of the past few hours.

Master Luke was gone – now one with the Force.  He sacrificed himself to save them.  He knew she would fail, but she refused to listen.  Now the closest thing she had had to a Master, even if unwilling, was no more.

Ben...her throat closed as she thought of him.  He was gone too.  She had had to leave him.  Her mind replayed everything that had happened between them.  The elevator, and then the Throne Room.  He had killed Snoke to save her.  She was certain of it!  And afterwards, fighting together had felt so right, so natural!  It was as if each knew the exact move the other would make, and because of that they almost moved as one.  She had been so sure that he would turn, that he would come with her.  But despite all that had happened, he chose power, and the dark.  Over the light.  Over her.  She bit back a sob as a lone tear traced its way down her cheek, and she quickly dashed it away.

The way he had looked at her, the way his last word seemed to have been torn from his soul through his whisper... "Please....".  She could still hear it, burned into her very being.  When he had uttered it, the word had shot through her heart, and she had almost taken his hand.   But the person who asked her to join him wasn't Ben, it was Kylo Ren. And she simply couldn't take his hand.

She couldn't explain it.  When she was with him, she felt different.  Like he was the only other person in the galaxy that completely understood her, really knew her.  Made her feel like she belonged.  It had been awhile since she'd been in his presence – since Starkiller, and once that escape pod had opened she'd felt this undeniable physical pull, drawing them together, and she knew, just knew that he felt it too.  But it wasn't enough.   The dark overcame him once again. Kylo Ren had overshadowed Ben Solo.

Her breath shuddered out on a long exhale, and she furiously wiped away another tear.  Her heart felt like it was breaking, and all she wanted to do was curl up into a ball and cry.  NO!  She thought.  She would not be weak like this.  Taking a deep breath, she steeled her resolve.

She didn't know what the future held, but she would not give up on Ben Solo.  She'd had him for a fleeting moment, and then lost him to the dark again.  But he would come back to her.  She didn't know how or when, but she would wait.  For him.  She was good at waiting.  He was supposed to be part of her future – she knew it in the very depth of her being.  He just needed to figure that out too.

Their Force Bond had likely died with Snoke though, and without it, she didn't know how or when any of it would happen.  She just had to trust in the Force.

Taking a deep breath, she steeled her resolve.  Looking around at the remnants of the Resistance with her on the Falcon, she knew what she had to do.  There were so few of them left.  Until the Force somehow brought them together again, she would continue to train, strengthen her skills in the Force, help build the Resistance, and wait.  For as long as it took.  She just hoped they didn't kill each other first.