Transformation: Becoming Ben Solo (A Reylo Fanfic)

Chapter 48 - Torment

A/N - Hi Reylo Lovelies!  I'm so happy you're still with me on this journey.  I know we're still in the throes of heartache, but it will eventually get better - I promise.  There are a few more surprises in store - and I hope you enjoy them!  Thanks again for all of your kind words and hilarious comments and responses - I ALWAYS read them so please keep 'em coming.  Thanks so much for your continued support!  Enjoy!!

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Kylo lay in bed staring at the ceiling as the alarm on his chrono alerted him that it was time to get up.  It didn't matter – he hadn't slept.  He rarely slept anymore.  Some nights he caught a fitful hour here and there, when his body and mind were simply too exhausted and eventually shut down for awhile.

Most nights, rather than lying in bed restlessly while the minutes passed slowly by, he stalked through the halls of the ship, wandering from zone to zone, deck to deck.  There were always staff around, passing him in the corridors.  Most would acknowledge him in some way now – either with a nod or a curt "Sir".  It helped him feel a little less alone during the long hours of the night.   He felt like a ghost – a ghost of himself - haunting the ship almost nightly.

He'd refused to set foot on the Ascendancy.  That ship – that folly – was the reason Rey had run from him.  The first thing he did was to order the ventral cannon array to be dismantled.  He did not want any ships with planet destroying capabilities.  The risk of someone else repeating Hux's actions was simply too great.  So he'd sent it back to the construction dock for the modifications.

It had been a month.   A month since he'd seen her.  Since he'd heard her voice in his head.  Since he'd held her in his arms.   He took a deep breath and swallowed the lump in his throat.   He'd tried searching for her, but to no avail.  He went to every planet he could think of where she might go to try to hide from him.  Checked the cities and villages.  Put all First Order stations on alert to immediately contact him if she was sighted.  Thus far, there had been three false alarms – false leads – which he knew were the case the moment he'd set foot on each of the planets.  Knew immediately that her Force signature wasn't there.

He scrubbed a hand over his face.  He was driving himself mad – and he knew it.  But he couldn't give up – he needed her.  Felt empty without her – missing a piece of himself – his other half.  And lately, he could feel himself slipping a bit.  The Darkness now constantly playing on his mind once again, reminding him that this was the outcome he always knew would happen.   That he didn't deserve her – because quite simply no matter how much he'd changed, how hard he tried, she was just too good for him.  Sitting up on the bed, he took a deep breath and ran his hands through his hair, tugging at the ends, trying to snap himself out of it.  

Slipping into a meditative state, he attempted to center himself in the Force for a little while to calm his frayed nerves.  After a few minutes, he rose to head into the fresher.  He was almost there when he felt a shift in the room.  Sure enough, when he turned, there was a shimmering, bluish-hued  figure standing in the corner.  Growling, he bit out.  "What the hell are you doing here, old man?!"

Luke held out his hands in a gesture of peace.  "I'm here to help, Ben."

"With what?  She's gone.  Although I'm sure that makes you happy, what could you possibly do?"   He snarled.

The Force ghost shook his head.  "I'm not here to help you find her.  I'm here to help you."

"I don't need your help!"  He barked back.

"Yes, Ben.  You do."  Kylo was going to say something else, but Luke held up his hand.  "You've come so far – she's helped you to do that.   But lately, we can see your mind starting to dwell on the darkness again, because of your pain.  The pain of her absence.  And of her unintentional betrayal of your trust."