When Universe Conspires

15 - S'mores

(Jennie)

I think I almost gave Lisa a cardiac arrest. I don't know what came over me. I can't believe I had the confidence and courage to say those things! I've never been this vulgar in my life! I admit, I always have something naughty in mind, dirty things I can think of. But I never ever said those things out loud. I just kept them to myself. Being with Lisa makes me feel like I can be the real me. I can say whatever and I won't get judged. I can do what I like and get her support. She never made me feel like I am in a box. I can be carefree around her. Also, her reactions are always the best! I love them! Maybe the satisfaction of getting those reactions from her, gets me going from one blow to another.

About what I said....... I'm actually curious about it. I mean, I'm technically single right now and I just started going out with Lisa. Is it too soon to tease her like that? I feel so comfortable talking to her. I never think twice when I tease her. It just seems so natural for me to do the teasing game. It was never like that before. I know it's wrong to compare, but I like to keep pointers on what went wrong or how to improve my relationships. You make mistakes and you learn through break ups right? I can't avoid comparing my last relationship with this budding one. It's very different. Aside from the fact that I am now dating a GIRL. It didn't faze me, I'm surprised about that. Maybe I was really bisexual, I just didn't know it and didn't have the chance to discover it. Not until I met Lisa.

You see, my relationship with Kai was...you can say uneventful. It's like we were in a relationship for the sake of not being single. We both work, we were busy. We almost live separate lives even if we live in the same roof. The first year of it was like the 'honeymoon' stage of a relationship. We acted like we were teenagers who are so in love with each other. He used to buy me flowers every time he came home from work. We went on dates. We made love. We even talked about our future once. Just that one time and it never came up again. As the years went by, we became busier with work. He said it's for our future anyway. So I let him take the job abroad, on a cruise ship. But I didn't know what exactly he was planning for 'our future'. I always felt like I wasn't part of his plans. I said nothing about how I felt because he easily gets irritated when it comes up. Being in a relationship with him felt like it's just a routine. Like clock work. You go to work, do your job and go home. And you do it 4 or 5 times a week. It should never feel like that right? So, to put it in a simpler form, it became a routine and it became boring. I think we lost the spark long time ago. We were just so used to each other being there that we disregarded the signs and stayed together. The last years, we haven't made love, we just had sex. The boring missionary sex, typical. He never made me feel excited, not even once. He has needs and I have too. That's just about it.

So I came to a conclusion that what I'm feeling right now is not just a phase. I'm not experimenting nor playing around. I've never been this excited about a relationship. I feel nervous, excited, happy, sad, anxious, overwhelmed, surprised, scared.. All of those emotions! It's too early to say that I'm in love with Lisa..but I am already in love with the idea of us. Does that make sense? Whatever. I'm here to find out. I'm sure of one thing though, I met her for a reason. She is meant to be a part of my life. I like to be the one putting a smile on her face and the one who wipes her tears dry.

"You've been awfully quiet Jennie. We've been eating silently for 20 minutes straight. Are you alright?", Lisa asked with worried expression on her face.

I zoned out for 20 minutes? Wow..I was that lost in my thoughts.

Before her worries turn up a notch, I told her where exactly I went. This is Lisa. There's no use in hiding anything from her. She'll listen to me.

"I'm sorry babe. I zoned out. I was thinking about my past relationship. I was totally lost in my thoughts", I confessed.

She smiled at me understandingly, "Do you miss him?", she asked without a hint of jealousy or hate. She just wants to know where I stand. I appreciate that.