Down For The Count

Epilogue

Paisley's POV
June 2017
~One Year(ish) Later

Dear Alex,

I wish I was a strong enough person to say this stuff to you out loud, but I'm not. I never am. I hope you don't mind a letter instead.

It's weird that you've been gone a year already. Part of me doesn't believe it. Part of me still wants to stay oblivious to the fact that you're not here with me, revert to the mindset I was in after you died and just pretend you're still here.

But reality sucks, and you're not here.

It's been insanely hard without you. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you. Sometimes I still try to text you, a habit that I haven't broken yet.

But I'm working on it. I'm working on a lot, actually. Trying to be better.

I've gained some weight. My doctor said I'm not quite in the healthy weight range yet. I'm still a little underweight, but I'm almost there. I'm so close, and it feels good.

I think you'd be proud of me, Lex. My eating is better. My mental health is a little shaky, but I'm getting there with that too. I just wish you were here with me so that we could celebrate my progress together.

There's so many things you've missed out on not being here.

I moved to London, actually. In October. We just moved back to New York last week. And unfortunately, I didn't develop an accent. I know you would've been very disappointed with that, but I have to report that I still sound very much American.

Sorry. I tried.

London was fun. An experience, for sure, but definitely tough. I'm way too happy to be back in New York, and especially to be able to see Violet and Winter regularly again. Being an ocean away from them was not fun.

But they've been doing okay, too.

Violet's been struggling the most I think. She has worse nightmares about you being gone than I do.

But Winter and I have her. You were always so protective of Vi, and I can promise you that Winter and I have it from here. We'll try and make her as happy as possible, even if she can't seem to stop crying.

None of us can stop crying, actually. I haven't stopped crying since you left. The hole you left is deeper than any ravine.

I tried to be with you again, too. In December, and this time I actually went through with it. I don't know what it was. Maybe the sadness of being a whole continent away from everyone. Maybe starting a new school and feeling so isolated. But I really just missed you, and I wanted to be with you again.

Except my dog totally snitched on me. She barked like crazy, and my parents found me in the bathroom moments after I had blacked out, resulting in the most uncomfortable hospital stay and conversation.

I've just accepted that maybe it's not my time yet. No matter how badly I want to see you again, it's not my time yet. Even though I can't stand to be on this planet without you, there are people that need me here.

My parents said that someday I'll feel better, but I don't think I believe them. I don't think I'll ever be okay without you here. I wish you were with us.

If I could go back in time and change that day, I would. I don't know if me leaving Meredith behind would've changed the outcome of everything, but it would be worth a shot. You would've been happy knowing I was picking you over Meredith, and I wish I had given you that last moment of happiness.