Down For The Count

The Happy Girl Isn't Happy

*trigger warning*- themes of suicide and cutting largely discussed in this chapter.

Paisley's POV

"I'm not going to therapy!" I screamed at Lin. At this point, I was crying hysterically. That was my note to give to him when I was ready.

"You need help, Paisley." Lin said quietly, just above a whisper.

This is so stupid. I hate therapy. I'm not going to therapy if I don't want to, and he doesn't get to decide that for me just because I'm a little sad.

God, this is gonna change everything now, isn't it? This is gonna make Lin and Vanessa start acting all weird. They're not gonna wanna joke around with me anymore and dinners are gonna be unbearably uncomfortable and...I don't wanna do this.

"Therapy's not bad at all, P. It's really-"

"No, no, no, no, no." I sobbed, choking on my words as I cut off Vanessa, who was standing in the doorway looking terrified. I let my back slide down the wall I was leaning against until I was crumpled up on the floor in my own pathetic heap.

It was quiet other than my crying, and extremely somber. I hate being here, I hate living here.

I hate living.

"What's going through your head?" Lin asked, causing me to glare at him because what does he think is going through my head right now?!

"I think next time you need to leave me alone and let me kill myself." I snapped, slowly rocking my body to help with the anxious feeling bubbling up.

Lin closed his eyes, not saying a word. Vanessa was quietly crying to herself in the doorway. Tobi was scared because of all of the yelling and was hiding under my bed.

And of course at that moment, Sebastian had woken up from his nap and was hysterically crying down the hall.

"I'm gonna go." Vanessa said quietly as her voice trembled. I watched as she stood there for a second, looking at me before quickly turning on her heel.

And then there were two.

Neither of us said anything for a few minutes, just sat there together. It was terrible, I'm terrible for getting myself into this situation.

"I..." Lin started slowly, looking back down at the letter in his hands and laughing slightly. "I cried when I read this. And I haven't done that since Barack Obama told me to cut my hair."

I was not expecting that at all, and I ended up bursting into laughter, which quickly turned back into crying so...don't really know what's wrong with me there.

"Seriously though...everything you wrote about the...the cutting, and the always being sad and anxious, and the-"

"Did you read my other letters?!" I asked in total shock. Lin's letter mentioned nothing about either. The cutting part was in Alex's letter and the anxiety part was in Pippa's because I've had conversations with both of them about those and...and he read my other letters?!

"Um..."

"Oh my god!" I yelled, feeling extremely frustrated. I buried my face in my knees again, trying to rock myself slowly but this time it wasn't making me feel even a little bit better.

"I know, I'm terrible. I'm really sorry, I just..." Lin stopped, saying nothing for quite some time. "Can I see your arms?"

"Are you serious?!" I yelled, tears still soaking my jeans. Lin bit his lip, shrugging a little.

And that is when I thought I was gonna lose it. Lin does not get to read my letters. He wasn't supposed to see anyone else's, hence why I even made it easier and wrote everyone's name on their own envelope.