Songs For You - (Shawmila, The Story) Vol. I

Fall 2015/Going Crazy

Track #3: Ruin

***

Shawn's POV

Fall 2015

''Number one, tell me who you think you are,

You got some nerve trying to tear my faith apart.

Number two, why would you try and play me for a fool?

I should have never ever ever trusted you.

Number three, why weren't you, who you swore that you would be?

I have questions, I got questions haunting me. ''

My feet seem nailed to the ground and I can't move. My heart squeezes as I listen to her voice, so passionate but with hints of nostalgia, as if she's about to cry, scream or both. And the lyrics... Wow, I'm at a loss for words. I shake my head in disbelief and find myself playing the small fraction of the demo she just sent me a couple of minutes ago. Who hurt you so much Camila? I have my suspicions, but I would never dare to ask something so personal.

I raise my head as Drew pats my back bringing me back to reality. I've probably been disconnected for much longer than I thought because my whole team is looking at me with concern and curiosity.

- Everything all right? - Drew whispers, looking at me through his glasses.

- Yes, let's get back to work.

I shrink away from him to return to my seat and think about what I will tell Camila about her song. It has become our routine to share opinions on new projects, and I was surprised that this time it wasn't 5H related. Even though the demo isn't exactly happy, I smile because apparently she decided to write her own music outside of the group. And speaking of music, that's what I'm supposed to be meeting with my team today for, but she's had me distracted all morning. And that's fine with me, but Drew doesn't think so, who pats me again but this time on the head.

- Shawn, we talked about this. If Camila is going to be a distraction I will have to confiscate your phone during recording sessions. - He threatens me, and this time he means it. I can't help but laugh.

- Okay, I'm sorry. - I smile innocently. - Sorry, guys.

- What have we got so far? - Geoff dares to ask, picking up his guitar from the floor.

- Nothing, because the star has been on the phone for hours talking to her friend Cabelo. - Scott replies giving me an amused look.

- It's pronounced Cabello. - I frown in his direction. - And why did you accentuate "friend"? She is.

- If you say so, Shawn.

I ignore their taunting words and return to my notebook full of unfinished lyrics, and who knows when I'll finish them. Jake argues with Scott in a corner while Geoff, Ido and I keep throwing ideas around in the hope that this new album might see the light of day at some point, but it's proving to be more complex than I thought it would be. There is no inspiration to write anything and that is as frustrating as it gets.

I tap my pencil against the table wanting to give up, and I find myself thinking again about Camila's song. I think about the passion she conveys through a few words, through her voice... I wish I could do the same, but she is beyond amazing and I will never compete with that.

Unbeknownst to Andrew, I respond to Camila's last text.

Me: ~Honestly, I can't wait to hear it in full when you decide to release it. It blew my mind, it really did.~

CC: ~How sweet of you. Thank you, Shawnie.~

She added a heart at the end and that was enough to give me the motivation I needed.

***

Nearly six hours and three failed songs later, we are still in search of THE song but only have a few chords, mostly inspired by Mayer. This is getting on my nerves. It's 3AM, this is ridiculous. And then of course Brian had to show up to make my life more complicated. Who invited him to come?

- Bro, did you hear? - He puts his arm around my shoulders, completely ignoring Scott who was showing me something on his laptop.

- Brian, we're kind of busy here, so talk fast. - I shake him off and take a seat looking at him with some annoyance. My head hurts, it's been a long day.

- Word on the street is that Camila is dating Clifford.

My stomach churns but I let it go, it's not like I don't already know about this rumor.

- They're just friends, and why would I care anyway?

- Because clearly you're interested in her, even if you deny it to me. And everyone here agrees. - I scan the room and see the team nodding.

- Will you guys forget about it already? Camila is just a friend.

- Yes, of course she is.

I roll my eyes. There's no point in arguing with Brian. The idiot just wants to get inside my head, and the worst thing is that he's succeeding. Camila and Michael, what a match. I don't know the guy that well, I've only met him on a red carpet, but it's true that since the Jingle Ball Camila became close friends with the members of 5 Seconds Of Summer, especially Michael. But to the point that now they say they're dating? Well, that's what Hollywood does to celebrities. But if it's true... Would she have mentioned it to me?

My blood boils just imagining her with that guy and I feel the adrenaline of jealousy take over me. I need to get out of here. I jump up abruptly from my seat, almost pushing Brian out of the way, and get ready to walk out the door, but Drew stops me just a few steps away.

- Hey, hey. Where are you going? The rest of the team is about to arrive.

- And I need to go. - I mumble, looking at the ground, hiding my face, which must be redder than a tomato.

- That's the energy we need! - Scott shouts out of the blue, making me turn around to face him.

- What are you talking about?

- Not to take advantage of you, or anything like that... - He comes closer to guide me to the recording booth despite my clear resistance. - Use those feelings and put them into a song!

Feelings? Am I that transparent? It seems so. Someone hands me a guitar and Jake (the producer) gets into position to record the brief session. Do they really expect anything to come out of this?

- Just go with it, dude. - Geoff encourages me with a thumbs up.

- Whatever. - I snort.

I close my eyes and imagine Camila in front of me giving me support through the glass, like that time we recorded our first song. And then Michael appears out of nowhere making me grit my teeth. I take it out on my guitar strings that are not to blame for my mood and let my heart open up through my words, as exaggerated and embarrassing as it may be.

''Do ya?

Do you think about me?

And, do ya?

Do you feel the same way? Yeah

And, do ya?

Do you remember how it felt?

'Cause I do

So listen to me, baby''

I continue paying little attention to my surroundings. It's just me and my guitar, and Camila in my mind. Always on my mind...

***

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