Songs For You - (Shawmila, The Story) Vol. I

Jan.28.18/Lonely

Track #13: Song For No One

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Shawn's POV

January 28, 2018

I shake in the middle of my weird dreams and feel my eyelids heavy without being able to open them fully. I wake up a little drunk and groggy, in a darkened room and fully dressed from head to toe. I have no idea how I got here, the last thing I remember is being in the living room with... Camila. Is she here somewhere?

My head is throbbing and I'm thankful I didn't draw the curtains the night before, so the light doesn't hit my face, which is bathed in sweat. I'm sweating all over my body and I know I have to take a shower. I don't even know what time it is. Sitting up with the little strength I have left, I reach for my phone on the nightstand to check the time, and am surprised to see a series of messages and missed calls waiting to be answered. There's no sign of the person I'm most interested in.

The heat overwhelms me and I take off my shirt and shoes, I walk around the lonely room with shuffling steps trying not to lose my balance, but the small movement makes me want to vomit. I stop in the doorway looking into the living room of the suite, deserted as I expected. She is not here. My eyes stray to the couch, an open and almost empty bottle of tequila brings back my memory, very blurry to be honest. I remember being very close to her, while I was looking for her lost earring, I heard her laugh and tell me she loved me. And... I think I told her the same thing. Or did I dream it? Did we really kiss after that and then she left? But of course we did kiss, my imagination isn't that good.

A twist in my stomach makes me fall to my knees and I almost go face first into the ground if it weren't for my pierced arm. God, is that how bad it feels to be drunk? I'll never do it again. I squeeze my eyelids shut as I sit up as best I can and return to the bed, where I lie down without much ceremony, and vaguely think about sleeping again because of how exhausted I feel. However, my rambunctious head prevents me from doing so. Did Camila really leave? Why? If the kiss was real and her words weren't a figment of my imagination... she loves me. And I admitted that I loved her. I don't understand what happened, what went wrong.

"I can't stay, I'm sorry."

Why, is it because of that boy she met? Does she love him more now? Is that it? Did she feel guilty for kissing me? I have all these unanswered questions drilling my brain, making me sink deeper and deeper into a pit full of loneliness. I have no one to discuss it with. I don't have her.

With the phone in my hands I internally debate whether I should write to her to clarify this situation before it gets out of hand and ends up ruining our friendship even more, if we are still friends at this point. Kissing is not something that friends do, and we've already kissed twice....

I type a quick greeting for her on the screen. She's on line. I have no idea if she's thinking what I'm thinking or just experiencing morning hangover symptoms. Two blue ticks indicate me that she has read the message and I anxiously wait for her to respond, but my disappointment increases when Camila promptly disconnects from the chat.

I don't know why but thick tears run down my cheeks and angrily I try to stop their journey in vain. My emotions overcome me and I would like to disappear into my dreams where everything is more than perfect, where I can be with someone I adore, someone I have come to truly love despite her flaws and clear insecurities. She's scared; I saw it in her eyes yesterday. But I need to know the reason. What's stopping you from being with me, Camila? Is it me? Is it my fault? Just tell me... Tell me and I'll do anything for you. My feelings will never change.

***

A tug on my legs wakes me up from a restful sleep, or almost. My head doesn't hurt so much anymore, but my throat needs fluid and my stomach is still upset, but I haven't had the energy or the courage to get out of bed. The man responsible for my awakening stands with his arms crossed, looking at me disapprovingly.