Songs For You - (Shawmila, The Story) Vol. I

May.30.19/Losing Control (2/2)

Track #22: Liar

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Camila's POV

May 30, 2019

I close my eyes, sitting in the middle of my backyard in broad daylight. A light breeze hits my exposed arms sending shivers down my spine. The burning ground under my crossed legs is cooking me alive, and I think I should have brought a towel or a chair to sit more comfortably before I started this.

It's very quiet here at 7AM, with nothing to disturb me in this brief moment of peace. Except for the unpleasant pee-pee scent of flowers and my pets walking around me waiting for me to feed them. You'll have to wait a little longer, my friends....

Let's see if this works and helps me clear my confused mind. Camila, it has worked for you before, why would this one be any different? Because I need clear answers that tell me how I should proceed in this fucked up situation I've gotten myself into. Just show me what I want to know, universe!

I sound like a crazy person answering my own thoughts, but so what.

With Thunder licking my hand and Leo tugging at my pajama pants, I try to relax my body to connect with my inner self, taking a deep breath in and then exhaling. I imagine myself somewhere else, which strangely is not here at home or my home in Miami. It's a city of clear skies, full of buildings and green trees, their leaves shaking from a big blizzard. And then I remember the last time I was there, at one of my many shows last year. When he came to see me accompanied by his sister and everything went to shit once again.

I inhale deeply and exhale, keeping my eyes closed. I think of a person close to me who loves me very much. I think of mamá. Of her beautiful smile that reminds me that everything will be okay no matter what. She is my best friend, my other half.

I think of a person who deeply appreciates me. It's hard to choose. I think of papá, my abuelita, my sister. All of them protecting me and sending me their heartfelt love.

I imagine being surrounded by all the people who love me and have loved me. They are standing there sending me wishes for happiness, well-being and health... And I break down in tears when I realize that he always seems to have been there, even when I have pushed him aside like a pipsqueak. He is looking at me with his beautiful brown eyes full of joy and pride, holding my hand whenever I need support, filling my heart with overflowing warmth and... love.

I inhale deeply and exhale; letting my body accept the intensity of these emotions surrounding me. And for the first time in a long time I feel truly at peace. I had no idea how much denying this thing I feel was actually affecting me.

But... am I ready to say it out loud?

***

After feeding my babies and a long bubble bath that released the tension in my neck muscles in response to the particular stress that came over me right after the short meditation session, I admit to feeling much better. Guilty, but better. You may wonder why "guilty''; well, my boyfriend was awake in the room when I came in to get my things to do some work in the morning and he saw me crying.

I didn't know what to tell him, that I have somebody else stuck in my head? I'm not ready to make a decision right now. I don't want to hurt him like this, but I have to find the right time to tell him, is there even a right time? I don't know, but I'll keep my feelings to myself. Even Shawn's. I keep thinking that this is just temporary and nothing is real. These feelings will go away, I'm sure, and everything will be the way it was before Shawn came back to rub it in my face that he's still in love with me.