''Camila, you know it's been a long time coming.''
''We can't keep doing this, Shawn.'' I sob, aware that my heart is breaking as well as his. ''I really didn't want to lose you, but I don't want to keep playing these games with you. I'm tired of bu...
- I have to. - She laughs softly, running her fingers right through my hair. - I have to go to a meeting, and so do you. - She reminds me teasingly and kisses my cheek tenderly. - Shall I see you another day?
- Whenever you want, beauty.
I can't help but freeze on her mile-long legs as she heads out of my room in her high heels. She turns for a second to look over her shoulder one last time and smiles winking flirtatiously at me before walking out for good, making sure not to forget her purse hanging behind the door. Her messy blonde hair disappears from my view and I sigh contentedly, a small smile forming at the corner of my lips, but all it takes is one thought at the back of my subconscious to destroy all my peace of mind: Hailey is so different from Camila.
Of course they are different. They're both physically attractive but each in their own unique way; and their personalities might get along, but while Hailey is fun and rather quiet like me, Camila takes it to the extreme and is more effusive all the time, which doesn't bother me at all. Why the fuck am I comparing them to begin with? But definitely the most important difference between them, is that one of the two has me trapped between her fucking hands not wanting to let go. No other one can compete against that.
I gave her that huge power, and to be honest I don't know if I regret it? But I'm trying to escape. I have to escape any way I can. Right now she's doing me more harm than good and it's not healthy at all; my anxiety levels rise considerably when I think about her, talk to her, whatever involves her. I can't believe what dark places in my mind she takes me to. Please get out of my head Camila.
I laugh to keep from crying, because in the end I realize that it's already too late; I allowed her to enter my life and do whatever she wanted with me, regardless of the consequences. I fell in love with her without even noticing it, she wrapped me in her spell and I let myself be manipulated like a puppet doing whatever it took to make her happy, to keep her by my side even if it was only as a friend. Then my life took a 160 degree turn and she took the strings again to treat me as her toy, confusing me completely with that fleeting kiss, only to tell me later that it meant nothing, that she didn't know what she was doing, that she was lonely and needed me. And as her friend I decided to stay, I stayed because she asked me to. But the tsunami came back with that song, sweeping away my feelings in its wake, sinking me deep into the ocean with no chance of survival. I'm still there, counting the minutes to my horrific end, running out of air. One more impact and that's it.
I feel like I'm on an endless roller coaster. Thanks for that, Camila.
***
We've been holed up in this studio in Malibu for the past two months, working like crazy and making great music, this time in the company of Julia, Ed, Ryan, Zach and John Mayer himself. I'm fangirling right now.
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