Songs For You - (Shawmila, The Story) Vol. I

Dec.1.20/Familia (2/5)

Track #38: The Christmas Song

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Camila's POV

December 1, 2020

"Good morning, Camila. Take a minute to check in, how are you feeling today?"

Well... to be at the beginning of such a special month with big celebrations to come, I expected to feel like a star at the top of the tree, unreachable. Yet I feel... like I'm playing with a fucking thousand-piece puzzle and just as I'm about to finish it I realize I've lost the last one, strayed somewhere I can't see in the dark... Yeah, that answer isn't among the options, is it?

Well, Calm... to be honest... I'm stressed. And I shouldn't be, but I certainly forced myself to be. And all for a job that should give me peace and joy, not lead to insomnia, heartburn and headaches at 3A.M. while everyone else is resting like normal people.

Of all the free time I had to start this new project, only I can think of doing it during the vacation season. Why do I do this to myself? I don't know, maybe it's that I love to push myself needlessly to the last damn second, squeezing my brain cells.

I shake my head in a vain attempt to clear my mind and take a deep breath for a full minute while I fulfill my daily meditation awareness, wishing that my worries lured by my compulsive psycho freak facet will disappear in the blink of an eye.

I sigh exhaustedly knotting my short hair into a messy bun, roll up my festive red cardigan and take a seat on the rug in my makeshift home studio, somewhat calmer and... present, which is the most important thing in this whole healing process. I can't afford to live inside my head all the time, that only fucks me up more and I certainly don't want it. Not today. In fact, never, thanks.

I don't have a clear picture of what this is all like for Shawn; although I've seen him suffer through several episodes, it may be a thousand times worse than he shows. Dealing with anxiety on a daily basis is difficult, but one thing I am sure of is that he is in a better state of mind now than he was at the beginning of the year. What a year it has been! My goodness. So much happened and at the same time... nothing. It was like we had stopped in time. Or so it felt. But I won't dwell on anything negative.

Just don't do it, Camila. It's unhealthy.

I sigh again and stand on my feet, finishing connecting the extension of lights that adorn the windows to give a little more life to this room, which has become our little refuge in these 8 months of pandemic.

The changes are really noticeable. Some things have been moved to make room for my boyfriend's boxes full of CD's and autographed merch, my sheet music and his are mixed together on the table creating a beautiful mess, his inspiration boards are stacked with my old ones in a dusty corner and a couple of his guitars hang imposingly on the wall next to my electronic keyboard like they have always occupied that spot.

I guess it was meant to be, from that first time I invited him here: the Cabello studio! It wasn't a big deal, and I still can't say it's a top-notch recording studio like the pros, but he was pretty impressed when he walked in and looked at everything. Or maybe he was just impressed by me....

A chuckle escapes my lips as I accidentally trip over the table, knocking over the small cardboard calendar full of scratches and pending appointments. A series of red X's mark the days until we travel to Canada. The boy has been more than impatient about it, and I don't blame him. I'm excited, too. I pick up the sharpie resting to the side and mark one day down, already thinking about what I'll bring everyone as a gift this Christmas.