Songs For You - (Shawmila, The Story) Vol. I

July.26.17/It Had To Be You (1/2)

Track #10: All These Years

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Camila's POV

July 26, 2017

''It may perhaps be pleasant, to be able to impose on the public in such a case; but it is sometimes a disadvantage to be so very guarded. If a woman conceals her affection with the same skill from the object of it, she may lose the opportunity of fixing him; and it will then be but poor consolation to believe the world equally in the dark. There is so much of gratitude or vanity in almost every attachment, that it is not safe to leave any to itself. We can all begin freely (a slight preference is natural enough), but there are very few of us who have heart enough to be really in love without encouragement. In nine cases out of ten a women had better show more affection than she feels''.

Well, Charlotte, I know you mean it with other intentions but thank you for reminding me that love sucks, a real pitched battle in which I will most likely end up hurt and alone because I am not able to face my opponent... Love is the loneliest place when you fall alone. And I had to learn that by falling in love with him...

I snort angrily to myself, throwing my copy of Pride and Prejudice away from me. I don't know why I thought reading it again would give me the answers I need; it just left me more confused. And God knows how I hate feeling this way.

I'm an idiot, it's not like I wasn't aware of this fact before. But how could I even think of messing things up like that. You only had to do one thing, Camila. Suck it up. Suck it up and pretend you had no feelings for him. As if that were possible. I saw how that turned out. Kissing him was a big mistake... but what a sweet mistake. Enjoy it in your memory Camila, because it won't happen again. Not while he's still your friend.

It took me a while to realize that what I felt for Shawn was more than just affection. It only took one more encounter with him for those feelings to return, and I wasn't prepared for that. They hit me like a real fireball, and all that was left were the ashes that no one would bother to pick up. If only he knew... what would I gain from that? He only sees me as a friend. It would only create tension between us. Of course, as if the kiss you gave him hadn't already caused it.

***

When mom walks into the hotel suite where we'll be staying these next few days in Vancouver, she finds me curled up on the couch with my laptop, distracting me from my painstaking search for advice on how to fix this situation with Shawn.

- Camila, get a life! Watching YouTube videos isn't going to help you. - Are her first words as she comes in and leaves my wardrobe on the couch.

- Mamá, you don't understand. This guy is an expert dating coach. - I explain to her for like the third time this week. - Maybe I can learn a thing or two from him.

- Would you rather get advice from a complete stranger instead of the woman who gave you life? - Mom frowns in front of me, slightly offended by my comment.

- You haven't given me any advice. - I shrug, going back to my own thing. Matthew was about to say something interesting...

- If only you'd listen to me. - She sighs, shaking her head.

I watch her pick up a pair of my shoes lying on the carpet, probably to take them to the bedroom, with her shoulders slumped and avoiding looking at me. But since it's just the two of us here and there's nothing else to do, she has no choice. Her eyes reflect disappointment and that makes me uncomfortable. I give in to her and put my laptop aside on the table, inviting her to join me on the couch.

- What's wrong, honey? - She strokes my hair tenderly and allows me to lay my head on her shoulder.

- Nothing. - I lie, not wanting to talk about it.