Songs For You - (Shawmila, The Story) Vol. I

February 2020/You're All I Think About

(This chapter is mainly based on episode 3 of Breathe Into It, so it will touch a lot on the theme of loneliness and anxiety...)

Track #32: Dream

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Shawn's POV

~Sometime in February, 2020~

I sigh heavily as I wake up to an empty bed, staring dejectedly at the ceiling lights I forgot to turn off last night while trying to fall asleep once again without much success. If I slept three hours it's a lot for the insomnia I have. My head hurts and I struggle to get up to start my day. I see my pale, haggard face in the bathroom mirror without even blinking for what seems like hours, but I know it's only been seconds of eternal panic at being locked in here with no one to talk to. Well, that's not entirely true, but of all the people in the world... I'd like to be with Camila right about now. It's too early in the morning to be feeling this bad.

I'm here in Los Angeles, staying in a beautiful house with the view of the ocean, morning sunshine streaming through the open windows and birds chirping from the trees echoing in the empty room as I take a seat in the dining room without managing to try a bite of my attempt at breakfast that could intoxicate anyone just by looking at it.

It was supposed to be a relaxed, happy ten days filled with non-stop work, having a good time in the studio with Scott, Kid and Nate making music, and then I had to find out that Camila would be going away from me to shoot her movie right in the same week, until who knows when... Four months maybe? It's too much to bear.

Our schedules don't always coincide and we can barely talk if the other isn't exhausted enough. Her call to the taping set is around 7AM in London and by then here it's 11PM and I'm already asleep (if I'm so lucky). We've spent the last couple of months as close as we've ever been, that now this separation is taking its toll on me. I feel... suffocated. Lost even. So lost that I've disappeared from everywhere. Few people know where I am and I prefer it that way because I don't want to increase this pressure that constantly overwhelms me without being able to avoid it.

I go out to walk around for a while, listening to my meditation guide on my air pods to get myself to relax, but my head is everywhere but where it should be. If Camila were here she'd probably have that look of disapproval in her eyes for my behavior...but she's not, Shawn. Get over it!

Like an impulse I press the button on the bracelet strapped to my wrist to let her know that she's in my thoughts. At first, when Mila and I bought these things last year, I thought it was so cheesy to wear them... And to be honest I still do, but it's the only thing that keeps me in touch with her, somehow. Words will never be enough to express affection. I wish I could have held her longer that last night when she walked away from me.

***

I return to the house in total silence. The others must still be asleep in their respective bedrooms enjoying a good rest, the same one I would like to be experiencing, but I find it hard to keep calm as I make my way to the studio and sit in front of the piano playing melodies that don't communicate anything to me. They make no sense to me. The stage is set; if I wanted the perfect conditions to engage creativity and make a new album these were it. But instead I find myself leaning on the piano full of stress instead of peace. And it's obvious that this isn't helping me move forward at all.