Songs For You - (Shawmila, The Story) Vol. I

April.9.20/Terrified

[Get ready for a roller coaster of emotions!] 🎢

Track #35: 305 (× Wonder Pt. 1)

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Shawn's POV

April 9, 2020

Did I ever wonder if coming to Miami would bring me consequences? Yes, many times. And now I'm facing them. It was a hasty decision. I was only thinking about being with Camila and I put my work on the back burner when the whole team is counting on me. Andrew warned me, I know. But in the end I got my way. Not that any of them are complaining about me abandoning them mid-project to be with my girlfriend, but I can't help but feel responsible... because I am. No doubt about it.

It hadn't crossed my mind how hard it would be to make an album with everyone being so far away. I have absolutely no control over anything and that simple fact drives me crazy.

I grunt to myself slightly irritated pacing back and forth as I type on my phone a quick reply to my manager who keeps insisting that I stay calm, activate my so-called spiritual chakras and I don't know what else is all the rage right now among millennials. I appreciate that he wants to help me, but his words of cheer aren't... exactly cheering me up.

Drew: ~Buddy, have some patience. Think positive and let's hope this situation improves in short order. ~

If he knew how hard I have tried to be patient in the midst of all this chaos he would be proud of me. He has already been with me through these tragic experiences on a lot of occasions when he has seen me down and broken, but I am running out of strength to hold up this invisible shield I have built around myself. I'm honestly too exhausted right now to continue in this battle....

I've already lost count of the days I've been stuck here in Miami and it's not worth knowing either. What's the point? If the chances of me being able to leave are getting slimmer and slimmer until the outbreak of contagions is brought under control with a miraculous vaccine made in record time.

Drew: ~I've spoken to the label about our contract. They understand the reason for the delay of your next album, but they need to know that you are working on something, Shawn. Please tell me you've been writing. ~

Me: ~Yes, I have a few drafts in the works. ~

I'm upfront about it, mostly to lower his concern levels.

At this point I have discarded too many songs during this short stay and only a few made it into the hands of my team. I really don't like them at all though. They're like garbage, the worst thing I've ever written... Who would want to listen to a guy singing about his emotional problems steeped in overflowing anxiety in the midst of a pandemic that's fucking with our mental health? It would be very masochistic. I think grumpily, wanting to disappear from the face of the earth just for a brief moment to fly to the kingdom of heaven, to my happy place. And who's there? Camila, of course. But my joy doesn't last long.

Drew: ~Good, keep working on what you can. I'm afraid to say it may take us an extra month of lockdown. ~

Drew: ~I assure you I'm doing my part so the team can come together soon, Shawn. ~

I grit my teeth turning my phone off and taking it out of my sight. Our hands are tied and there's not much we can do, it's crystal clear to me, but that doesn't stop me from losing my mind every second. This adventure never seems to end.

The amusement park is still open and the roller coaster where Camila was a few days ago is empty and ready to receive me. I feel like I'm going downhill on this ride with no safety net, afraid of falling into the void... alone. Again.