Songs For You - (Shawmila, The Story) Vol. I

Jan.29.18/Honesty

Track #14: Lost In Japan

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Shawn's POV

January 29, 2018

I am lost, but I will find the way out.

I am lost, but I will find the way out.

I am lost, but I will find the way out.

I repeat this mantra to myself since I woke up, with one purpose: to face Camila and tell her once and for all how I feel about her. Being sober, in my five senses and with my heart open, exposed to receive the incoming bullets. I know there is a fifty percent chance that I will be killed, a forty percent chance that it will only be a scratch on my skin, and a ten percent chance that I will survive the impact. But I'm willing to sacrifice myself. It's now or never. I've already missed too many chances.

The panorama is not very flattering to tell the truth, it's been a little more than 24 hours and she still hasn't answered my messages.

Me: ~Hey, Mila, how are you?~

Me: ~Can we talk?~

Me: ~Mila, let me explain what happened.~

Me: ~I need us to clear this up, please.~

Without much luck that way, I begged Drew to track down Sinu's phone number. She adores me, I know, so she'll have to help me reach her daughter. I'm crossing my fingers that she'll answer this call. It probably sounds desperate, but if it's necessary to go all the way to the hotel where they're staying I'll do it.

I sigh in relief when Sinu answers my fourth attempt, and without a second thought puts me through to Camila, who I hear huffing and complaining that she doesn't want to talk to me. That of course hurt me, but I think it's time that I be honest.

- Camila, can we talk for a moment? - I ask into the phone, aware that she is listening to me in complete silence. Her agitated breathing exposes her.

- I have a flight to catch. - She grunts in annoyance and my heart skips a beat.

- Please. You know we need to talk about what happened. - I insist. I walk in circles in the living room anxious to get everything out in the open.

- Shawn...

- You've been ignoring me. What? You don't think that hurts me? - I cut her off. My hands shake at my sides and I feel like I'm going to faint. - I know I shouldn't have said what I said, even though it was true, but I just want....

- Shawn, I can't reciprocate, do you understand?! - Her scream leaves me frozen in place.

All my nightmares coming true with just a few words. But if I thought that hurt, the next thing she said finished breaking my heart before I could even put on my armor.

- I found someone else. - She sobs, leaving me bewildered. - You may not want to hear this, but I really want to make things work between him and me. And you and me kissing made me feel terrible.

That's just it. I am late, as usual. I missed my chance. With no energy to stand anymore I collapse on the couch and feel the tears building up in my eyes little by little, wanting to escape. I want to escape, I want the earth to swallow me up and eject me on another planet out of this world where no one can hurt me in this mean way she is doing. This is what I get for being sincere...

She's crying quietly on the other end of the line, wherever she is, maybe at the airport since she mentioned she was taking a flight. And I don't know what the hell to respond to her words. My head is a mess of emotions, I'm hurt and I think she is too, otherwise she wouldn't be crying. She cares too much about that boy if she regrets kissing me so much, but where does that leave me? Doesn't she care about me one bit? This is so frustrating.