Survival Bonds

Chapter 10: The shoe is on the other foot

"Clear your mind. Bring up your shield." His voice is calm. "Now prepare yourself. Legilimency." It feels like a train is slamming into my subconscious. If it weren't for the fact that I know him better, I would swear he was doing this to punish me. "You are still making your shields to weak." He flicks his wand and the spell is broken. The library comes into focus around me. The empty shelves. The table where we play chess, and finally Snape. It's been a few days since I invaded his privacy by going into the Princess's room. Today he actually woke up relatively early and after breakfast, he announced that we would be having occlumency practice.

"I'm trying." I assure. And I am. We've been going like this for hours. I'm exhausted.

"You are not trying hard enough. Either shield or evade. You cannot do both."

"I do not understand." He exhales. I watch the man I've been sharing a home with pace up and down the length of the room.

"Cast the spell on me. I shall show you a demonstration." He seems sure of his actions. His hair is pulled up into a loose ponytail. It actually suits him having it pulled against his high cheek bones. He's wearing muggle clothing as he often does just around the house. The clothes hang off of him baggily. Sometimes when he moves, I'll get a glimpse of a pale collar bone. I try not to stare, but it's odd seeing him so relaxed. And the color of his skin is actually very... eroti...

"Sir. Are you sure?" He's far to private to willingly let me into his mind.

"Potter. When I'm prepared, no one can get past my shields. Cast the spell on me. I'm sure even you with your limited brain cells will understand better once you've seen a demonstration." I hold my wand.

"Are you ready sir?" He nods. "Legilimency!" I wonder if I even performed the spell correctly. I do not see anything, but I feel a wall. I try to press against it, but I make no headway. I end the spell and he nods at my unspoken question.

"That was a mental shield. Now. Cast the spell again. I will not shield against you, but instead evade your probing." He nods and I cast the spell again. This time, I see an illusion. A field of flowers. A young boy. A young girl. Laying together in the field beside one another. They are laughing. Smiling. It's so peaceful that I hate ending the spell. "That was evading. Sacrificing a less important memory or though to protect the whole."

"Was that you and my mother." He nods. I would love to ask more about her, but he continues with his lesson.

"Evading is much trickier. When I am with the dark lord, evading is the tactic that I choose. Should he realize that I am hiding something from him, then he would no longer trust me. My shields are strong enough to keep him out, but he would know that I am keeping him from thoughts. Instead, I must evade. Sacrifice a memory that will satisfy him." He raises his wand. "If your shields are not strong enough to keep me out, then you must evade. Either method will suffice. I will attempt to infiltrate your mind and search for a memory that you would not wish anyone to see. Keep me from learning your secrets Potter. Prepare yourself. Legilimency!"

My head aches painfully. I see flashes of memories that he's calling forth and I'm trying to block him. I see flashes of Sirius dying. I can't block that memory, so I replace it with feeding Hedwig. It doesn't work for long. Everything is dropped and I'm watching myself relieving myself into a towel. I conjure up the memory of my first Christmas at Hogwarts. Again, I can't hold it for to long and a memory that I've long sense buried flashes in my mind. I want to scream when I see it. I want to block him. I want to hide it from him. I replace it with the first thing I can think of that will distract him from the horrid memory.

I conjure up the memory of being inside him. Feeling his bony shoulder. How soft his voice was. Wanting to not hurt him more. Realizing immediately what I was doing to him. Pulling out.

The spell is ended and he's looking at me. It's difficult to look back.

"Potter." But he doesn't continue to speak.

"It isn't a big deal professor." It doesn't matter that I'm lying. It doesn't even matter that he knows I'm lying. "It doesn't mean anything. I honestly forgot it even happened."

"Did you ever tell anyone. Dumbledore maybe?" He's not asking as a bond mate. He's not asking as a friend. He's asking as a teacher. I can read that tone immediately. He's out for blood.

"Yes. I told Dumbledore." I feel sick. It isn't something that I like to think about. It's something that I've never told anyone aside from Dumbledore. I can't say it out loud.

"He knew then." The tone is escalating in anger. "Did you tell any other. Your headmistress." I look away from him.

"No sir. I was... ashamed. I told Dumbledore and he said that we didn't have any other options. It's not a big deal sir." I try to say calmly. It's in the past. If I let it bother me, then he wins.

"Your uncle molesting you is not a big deal!" Seething rage. His face is twisted in anger, but I'm not afraid of him. Something about it is actually reassuring. He's angry on my behalf. He's pacing again. "Does your aunt know?" He asks. I look away from him.

"I honestly don't know. But it wouldn't surprise me. When I told Dumbledore, he did manage to make it stop somehow. That was about the end of my second year. I told him and he stopped it... but for safety, I had to keep living there. I know this may sound odd to say, but my uncle isn't a pedophile. You would never do something like that to an 'actual person'. He loves his son, and he's a good father." Snape stops pacing. "He would never do something like that to a family member. Or even to anyone. But I wasn't... I'm not..." I don't know how to say it. I completely freeze when arms wrap around me.

"You aren't their family." Snape says gently. "You can justify his actions because he isn't family." It's far too easy to relax into those arms. He's taller than me. I already knew that, but I didn't realize that it would mean that I could press my face into his chest like this. It's strangely comforting to breathe in his musk. It's an earthy scent. His hand lays on top of my head in a familiar way. The same way I've seen all of the elves do to him. I actually feel okay right now. Like it's okay that it happened. No. That's not what I mean. Like it's okay that it bothers me that it happened. Like it doesn't change who I am. Like it's just a nightmare that I've had. Like Snape would never let it happen again. "That poor excuse for a human doesn't view you as a person so he's able to justify his actions, but they are not justifiable."

It's been so long since someone has actually embraced me, that it feels second nature to wrap my arms around this person in front of me. It doesn't matter if it's Snape. It doesn't matter if he's twice my age. Or my teacher. Or sometimes cruel. He's the one embracing me. And it feels safe. It feels good. My body feels lax propped up against him, but when I actually manage to fully incircle him in my arms, the moment is ended and I'm being held at arms-length again. Both literally and figuratively. He's looking down at me.

"Niffy." He calls her in a tone as if he was simply asking for the sugar to be passed. Normal neutral tone. His hands are still gripping my shoulders an arms-length away when she appears.

"Sevy has called Niffy?" She asks. She's openly looking between us, but says nothing.

"Yes. I am going out for a few hours. See to it that Potter eats a good lunch. He has used his magic in excess today."

"Yes Sevy, Niffy will get right on that." She disappears. Snape separates himself from me. He isn't in wizard robes, and he isn't in his death eater garb.

"I will be back in a few hours Potter. After you have eaten lunch, I would like for you to practice shielding your mind."

"Yes sir. I'll try." His face softens slightly.

"You've already improved greatly Potter, keep up the hard work, and you could be formidable in both Legilimency and Occlumency."

It feels odd receiving a compliment from him. I think... I like it.