Survival Bonds

Chapter 40: Taking Charge

He's stubborn. Fractured. Crass at times. Untrusting. And all around difficult.

And I love him.

I don't know if I'm 'man enough' for him. Legally, I am of age. Legally, I am an adult. That doesn't change the fact that I have no idea what I am doing.

Sometimes, I'm able to talk Severus down so to speak. I'm able to encourage him to rest a bit. Or eat a few bites. He eats so rarely now and the bit of weight that he put on, he's already started to lose again. I'm concerned. Of course I'm concerned! I love him. And since I've already told him that fact... I find it difficult to swallow down the words that try to rise up every moment I'm around him.

I know first hand what it's like to not be told that you are loved.

And I have to fight myself to not do the opposite of what Draco advised. I want to shower Severus with words of love each time I see him and now that I've already confessed to him, it's difficult not to. But I know Draco is right. It'll only scare him off. Make him more hesitant.

Sometimes I can get Severus to eat and sometimes I can get him to settle down long enough for a few hours sleep. He never sleeps through the night anymore. Dark circles are under his eyes and he looks as haggard as he was as a spy. I know for a fact he hasn't returned to spying, but something else is occupying his thoughts. Something that he will not confess to me.

I've asked Poppy to help me watch out for him. She's the only one of the staff that I actually trust. I would like to trust my head of house, and I do to a certain extent, but I also know that she's loyal to Dumbledore. I'm hesitant to completely trust anyone loyal to Dumbledore.

Niffy and her children, Draco, Poppy, Ron, Hermione, myself, and Severus. Those are the only people that I trust completely. Except with Severus, I have to watch to make sure he doesn't put himself in needless danger.

I don't trust Severus to keep himself safe.

I don't trust him to take care of himself.

Lately, he's been acting even more off. Submissive isn't the right term, but it's something akin to that. Almost like he's hopeless. Given up.

I'm not the only one who's noticed. I think everyone has noticed. I was stopped by a first year yesterday. She was a Hufflepuff and she had a concerned look on her face. She asked me if my bondmate was alright. She said that he did not look well and she saw him needing to use a wall to support himself. She asked him if he needed help to the medical wing and he immediately straightened and forced himself to stand upright. But she said it was obvious he was forcing himself. He insisted that he was well and dismissed her.

I had a Ravenclaw boy tell me something similar. He's from the same year as me although I hadn't talk to him to much. He told me that he felt more comfortable coming to me and that Professor Snape did not know that he saw him. He was going to ask about some assignment and he saw my husband with his head in his hands and he was crying almost panicky. The Ravenclaw said that he wanted to check on Professor Snape, but in the past, he's always seemed very distant with his students and would likely not wish to be disturbed. So instead. This boy that I barely know came and found me.

It's getting worse.

We are in potions. Draco is next to me. We are both behind on our potion because both of us are too busy watching Severus stagger. He looks unsteady on his feet and I'm afraid that he will collapse at any moment. I look around to see who else has noticed and I'm not surprised that our third member of the group Neville also seems to notice.

It isn't that I don't trust Neville. I just know that his relationship with my husband has been strained at best over the years. I also am unsure if he would be loyal to Dumbledore. My first year he tried to stop me from breaking the rules. He has a strong sense of right and wrong, and I am not sure where our predicament would fall.