Survival Bonds

Chapter 23: Loss of the Light Spy

I left him alone for the remainder of the day. Partly because he needed to rest, and partly because... I wasn't really sure how to face him. He's not going to like my new approach with him, but I can't stop myself anymore.

I let myself into his room with nothing more than a gentle tapping knock. I have a tray in my hand with a bowl of tomato soup and a grilled cheese. He doesn't even move on the bed when I enter. I keep the lights dim and just leave the door open to allow light in from the rest of the house. I hope that little gesture makes him realized he's not trapped.

The blanket is pulled all the way up, over his head even.

"Severus?" I whisper so as not to startle him. I carefully reach out and touch his blanket covered arm. I can feel the arm tense under my touch. He's awake then and just ignoring me. "You need to eat." He seems to be holding his breath until I remove my hand from his arm. I set the tray down on the nightstand beside his bed and battle with myself. Should I remain standing. Should I sit beside him on the bed and try to bridge the distance between us. Should I just leave. That would certainly be easier.

"Leave." He says as if reading my thoughts. I'm not sure if he actually is, or if he just abhors my presence that much. But I can't leave. I have things to talk to him about.

"Severus."

"Leave." He says weakly. I sit down on the little space between him and the edge of the bed. I'm sure what transpired between us recently is fresh on his mind. I'm sure he's humiliated. It certainly wasn't like him. I'm sure I'm the last person he wants to see right now.

"I made you some soup. It's tomato. And a grilled cheese to go with it." I can feel him tense beside me. "I know that you told me not to cook anymore, and I know you don't normally eat very much. We shouldn't pretend that what happened... didn't happen. So I made you what has always been my comfort meal. I don't really know why. But it always helps me when... when I need some cheering up." It's silent between us. "Not that you need cheering up! That's not what I mean. I just mean..." Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Why does he have to be so difficult to talk to.

"When Lily was pregnant with you, she ate grilled cheese and tomato soup obsessively." He is still under the covers, but I can hear him clearly.

"Will you eat then?"

"Just leave it there." That isn't him agreeing to eat it, but at least he's not rushing to throw it away. That's a start. "You can leave now."

"Severus, there are some things that we need to talk about." The bundle of blankets curls more into itself.

"Potter. There is nothing I wish to discuss with you. What you saw, pretend it never happened."

"My name is Harry. And it did happen." I reach out and this time I'm not surprised when the arm flinches away. "I understand that you are uncomfortable with touch." I touch him again knowing that he will pull away from me. But I need him to understand that I am not going to hurt him. "Severus. It's okay." I take a chance and slip my hand under the cover. Lightly I smooth his tangled hair. I wouldn't say that he relaxes into the touch, but he at least doesn't jerk away. Don't think about how I was using this same hand earlier to jack off. I said don't think about it.

It's quiet between us. We just let the silence grow and my peace offering grow cold. He doesn't stop me from tangling my fingers in his silky hair. Maybe he's use to this. Certainly not from me, but this seems to be the way all the elves show affection. Maybe he recognizes this as a nonthreatening act.

"Severus." I say quietly so as not to agitate his mood again. "You will not be returning as a spy." He tenses, but I just keep stroking his hair. "I spoke to the headmaster, and I know why you are a spy. I know that you may think it's not my place, but it is."