Survival Bonds

Chapter 42: A new Development

Severus is tense in my arms.

I told Megan for now to keep our talk a secret. Not to tell anyone. Not even Severus or her close friends. After the war if we all make it through safely then I want the two of them to talk. She said that she understood. It's for her own safety and also Severus's relative peace of mind. So now both know about the other but neither knows that the other knows.

Severus is tense in my arms.

He's curled into the fetal position and my arm is draped over him. We share a bed every night and the dark circles under his eyes have lessened even if they haven't completely vanished. It's late, but he's not asleep yet. My face presses into the back of his neck and I feel him shiver.

"Severus." I whisper to the man still awake next to me. He doesn't respond at first. In fact, it takes him so long to respond that I wonder if he even heard me.

"Yes Harry?" His words are just as quiet.

"We are both men. You don't have to be embarrassed about being aroused." He curls more into himself but he doesn't deny it. It's dark, but I can see that his pale ears are pink. I have an urge that I almost can't restrain. I want to suck on his ears. I want to take them into my mouth and nibble on the shell until the pink is a full-blown red.

I've never had a desire like that before. Instead I bite my lip to ground myself. Making Severus more nervous will only make things harder for him.

I can tell he's aroused from his body language. I can tell he's aroused from the way his shoulders are raised and his head is slightly hunched. He's trying to make himself small in the hopes that I will not notice. But it's not something he can hide from me. Just the heat of his body is enough to give it away.

Severus likes to be held. He may never admit it out loud, but his favorite way to sleep is curled into my side with his head laying either on my chest or arm. Unconsciously, his leg with lay over top my body and he molds into my side. When he faces away from me to sleep, he is either upset with me or trying to hide his arousal.

We've had no disagreements tonight. He isn't upset with me. He only refrains from touching me when his body desires more than gentle cuddling. The more he wants, the less he lets himself have. It's really a shame.

"Severus. It's okay if you are nervous. And it's okay if you are aroused. We are both men it's normal for us to get erections. It's even normal for us to get them randomly." I don't think that's the case this time, but I'm willing to give him an out. "Severus. I would never touch you without your consent. You know that. It's okay to say no." He's quiet. "But it's also okay to say yes." His ears are adorable. My fingers push his dark hair more behind his ears so that I can see them clearly. They make my mouth water.

"I wouldn't know how to ask or even what to ask for." He says. I kiss his cheek. It relaxes him enough.

"I'm your husband. And I love you. I will always want to touch you or hold you. More. Less. Whatever you want. I'm happy to take the lead Severus, but I need to know that you are consenting."

"If I change my mind though..." he doesn't finish his sentence. He's not ready. I know that and I'm not going to push.

"Severus you are allowed to change your mind at any point. We can't help what we are afraid of. I'm afraid too. But I know that I want you. And I'm not willing to let my fears influence how I treat you. I'm terrified that you'll push me away. Again. But I just can't let that influence me. You only have to trust me Severus."

"I." He doesn't say anything else. But I don't pressure him. Draco made a very valid point. Being with Severus is going to be difficult. We both have a lot of baggage. But it's worth it. I wouldn't take it any other way. Because all the good and bad. This is him. "I don't think I can tonight. I know you want me to just... but I can't. I just can't Harry." He exhales. "I know it's pathetic. I know it's obvious that I want... something I can't bring myself to say. I know it shouldn't be this difficult but Harry I just..."

"Severus." I cut him off because he seems to be spiraling. I say his name softly and he immediately calms down. "You don't have to explain anything. I get it. I understand. I'm not pressuring you. I'm happy just holding you like this. It's not pathetic. It's very understandable." I grip his hand firmly in mine. "I'm not in any rush Severus." And I'm not. Yes. I want to touch him. I want to kiss him. And I definitely want to make love. But. It doesn't have to be tonight. It doesn't have to be anytime soon. It doesn't have to ever happen. Just because I want it does not mean that it's the only thing I want.

"Thank you." He sounds so soft that I just hold him tighter.

"Try to get some sleep Severus. I love you." I say. He doesn't say anything. And he doesn't need to. I'm getting better at reading his body language because to understand Severus you can't just listen to the words. I can tell right now that each time I tell him that I love him, he gets extremely embarrassed or maybe even shy is a better word, but he also relaxes for a fraction of a second before his walls are back up. I think he likes hearing it even if it's something he's not fully prepared to hear.

Everything between Severus and I is back to our shaky norm. Sometimes he's more comfortable being touched or coddled and other times he is not. It's more or less the same as it was before. At any moment his insecurities could get the best of him and he very well might try to backpaddle, but it's mostly the same.

There is a new development though.

A terrifying one actually.

Severus- likely due to stress and exhaustion- has been falling asleep before me every night. In the past he tended to stay up later than me even if we shared a bed. When Severus goes to sleep, I get waves of something. I can't fully explain what that something is, but each night it gets stronger.

I know I'm going to sound like a hypocrite, but I've not told Severus because I do not want him to worry. I know if I tell him he will make it a point to lower the amount of sleep he is getting to better block the sensations I am getting. I can't let him continue doing that.

They aren't necessarily painful like the pain I would feel associated with my scar. And I'm not having any visions. But it's like... it's like a pull. It's like a string tied around my left wrist encouraging me. Once I got as far as putting on my invisibility cloak and making it to the entrance before I realized how dangerous following the feeling is.

But at the same time.

I know it leads to Voldemort and I know for better or worse it leads to the end of this war.

I have no one that I can talk to about this. I know it's stupid. I know that I'm not strong enough just yet. But I also know that Severus blocks all of these feelings during the day. I'm sure he feels the pull. I even wonder if it's intended for him. It is my left arm after all. And it only happens when he's unconscious.

Severus is much stronger-willed than I. I'm sure he would not be lured in by the pull, but I also know that Severus does not value his own life. If he thought that going back to Voldemort would keep me and now his princess safe. He would. And the stress that he's been under.

This could be my chance to end Voldemort once and for all.

And I already have a plan, I just wonder if I will be able to pull it off.