Survival Bonds

Chapter 26: Another Dream and a Surprising Confession

I'm being pinned down. My left forearm burns as if it were set on fire. I can feel people watching me, but I can't actually see them. I'm being touched.

Fingers are stabbing into my skin, and I want to beg them to stop. But I don't say anything. I'm biting down on my lip until I taste blood just so that I don't respond. I want to scream. But I can't seem to let myself. I can hear laughing and a shame and disgust wash over me. I want to scream. I want to fight. But I can't fight. I can't fight. I just have to accept this. Was I so flawed that I actually deserve this?

I feel dirty.

I want to vomit, but I know if I vomit, it is just as telling. I have to be pleased at this. I have to be thankful. Thankful! Thankful that I am being raped. Thankful to be used in this way. I've only let one other man touch me like this, and it was only because I was too young to stop him. I hated him. I hated how he would laugh when I begged him to stop. 'It hurts!' I would cry, and he would laugh. I'm sure if I cried out in pain now as well, this man would only laugh at me. It doesn't matter. I deserve this.

Even when he finishes inside of me at the rest of those masked figures applaud and laugh. I don't move. I haven't been given permission to move. He points his wand at me and I know what's coming. I try to not cry. I try to not beg him for mercy. I try to remind myself why I am here.

The boy.

Lily's son. Lily's perfect little son. The son that she loved enough to sacrifice herself. So I force myself to be calm. Even knowing what's about to happen.

"Thank you, my lord." I say with an easy smile. Because this is what he wants from me. My undying loyalty. If I were truly loyal to him and his ideals, then being fucked publicly by him should be viewed as a reward. Being under his wand should be a pleasure. I smile again. Does my smile look forced? I hope it doesn't. It should seem natural. "Thank you." I repeat as I reach out to kiss the hem of his robes. He smiles back down at me.

"You have done well Severus." I keep my body relaxed even knowing what's coming. I bitterly laugh inwardly at the sick pun. "Crucio." The pain hits me first. But I force myself to remain looking at him. He hates when I look away. He's smiling fondly down at me. I'm his favorite. He's always liked me. Which is good for a spy, but bad for a follower. His erection is in his hand as he works himself to a finish.

"T..Thank you my lord." I say again. Because anything less than gratitude is unacceptable. This continues until I lose consciousness or he becomes fully sated.

I want to die.

I want to die.

I wake up screaming. Was that a dream. Why... why was I experiencing things from Severus's point of view. My left arm burns where the dark mark would be... if I actually had one. But I don't. But still the burn is there. I actually have to look at the skin to convince myself that there is no tattoo on my forearm.

The dream was so real. So vivid. I could actually feel the pain, but now that I'm awake, it's muted. How accurate was that dream? Strike that. I don't actually want to know. I need to check on Severus. That's what I need to do right now. Check on him.

My legs feel like liquid when I try to stand.

I'm almost to his room when I see a light on in the kitchen. Niffy wouldn't be awake at this hour.

When I look inside, I see Severus, sitting at the table calmly poring himself a cup of tea.

"Potter." He says not turning around. "The dream no doubt woke you. Please. Sit. Have a cup with me." He doesn't sound enraged. He doesn't sound bitter. Or ashamed. Just neutral. Maybe even monotone.