Survival Bonds

Chapter 47: Another plan... Sort of

I already know he's going to be furious at me. Assuming that I even survive this in order for him to be furious. Two hours. That's not nearly enough time. I know I'm not strong enough to defeat Voldemort. I know I'm not strong enough to defend my husband. Not yet. And I'm scared. Completely terrified.

I always thought that I was expendable. That there was nothing of any value about me. My aunt and uncle did well in making me believe just that.

But I don't think that way anymore.

I have value. I have those that care for me. And those that worry about me. I have a husband that has protected me even when I hated him. A husband that has sacrificed his own safety in return for mine.

And now someone he loves more than... than anything is taken.

I once had a plan. I was going to take Dumbledore's wand. I would need it for this task, but I don't have that time. In fact, I have very little time.

Two hours.

Two hours.

I know Severus truly did go and rest just as I asked him to do. I know because I feel that pull. Stemming from my left forearm. And I know because he trusts me. And I know because my new plan brought me face to face with my sleeping husband.

A strand of his shiny hair and a kiss on his lips is all the time I have. He does not so much as respond. The potion of dreamless sleep next to the bed explains as much. Without me next to him, he must have decided that this would be a good reason to take the potion. Where as I have a potion of my own in my hand.

I wiped out his stores of Polyjuice. I will need a fair amount for this endeavor. Once I add the hair, the potion changes into a very somber blue. I remember that the potion changes color and taste depending on the person that one is changing into. The sad blue color makes me blush for a moment. This feel very intimate. Like I am tasting his essence. Tasting the sort of man he is. As If I did not already know.

I saver the taste of it and try to not think of how it brings tears to my eyes. It tastes like loneliness. Like fear. Like desperation. It takes like determination. It tastes sweet and sour at the same time. No bitterness at all. It tastes like candy. A candy that one would have in their childhood. Something nostalgic. Something where the taste brings you back to simpler times and you are overcome with both unrelenting familiarity and a deep sorrow for what once was.

It tastes how I imagine this man sleeping before me often feels.

Like an outsider just wants to be accepted but is so afraid of being refused that he just... gives up before he's tried.

Two hours is not enough time, but it's all the time I've been allowed.

I'm hoping that this will be a big enough distraction. That once I find Voldemort he will stop 'calling' Severus because he believes he already has him.

I know about the danger I am putting myself in. The things he has done to Severus, he may well be so overjoyed at having 'me' back that he does those actions again. I'm terrified. But I don't know what else to do. I have to save him.

I once believed I didn't have any value. I was sure that my existence was a temporary nuisance. I was sure that no one would ever love me. Love. I think I have been searching for it my entire life. The love that I was never able to receive from my parents and the love that my aunt and uncle never had for me. I wanted it. I wanted someone to look at me as if I were... as if I were... their everything.

I pull away from my musing because I don't have enough time to spend it thinking. So instead, I quickly strip from my clothes that are pulling uncomfortably on his much longer body. The potion was successful. Every scar. Every blemish. Every rib. The hair hangs and tickles my neck. I've never had long hair. My uncle would often pull me by my hair and I did not wish to make it easier for him.

His pale skin makes all of the tiny imperfections stand out and I feel again like this is too intimate. I dress in his robes and relax against his scent.

I'm scared.

But I want to try to get her back for him. If nothing else.

I give him one last longing look and the exit our room. I make it almost to the exit when I'm stopped. I whirl around at 'my' name being called. The aged voice sounds jovial and caring. I have to remind myself that appearances are misleading.

"Severus, my boy." Dumbledore says easily. "I was wanting to chat with you. Might I trouble you to come to my office." He's smiling and his knowing eyes are twinkling. I'm afraid to refuse, but at the same time, I do not have sufficient time to linger in a long winded talk.

"I'm afraid headmaster that I am needed at Hagrid's. I had asked him to retrieve some ingredients for me and I am due to pick them up. Perhaps some other time." I offer in a somewhat polite but brisk manner that I often hear Severus talking in. The headmaster's eyes close as he smiles a bit wider... a bit more forced. I'm afraid at first that he might have seen through me, but I even changed my voice.

"Severus, this matter is a bit more important than meeting with Hagrid. I'm afraid that I must insist." His tone does not grant any refusal. And as I follow him to his office, all I can think about is the time I'm wasting. He offers me a seat and takes his own behind his desk. I'm trying to appear at ease in this room even though all I'm thinking is about last time I was in this very room. I must remember to not upset him.

"What did you have to discuss with me?" I ask raising an inquisitive eyebrow. I'm trying to remember to keep my mannerisms the same as his.

"I'm afraid the time to act is now my boy." He leans back in his seat and clasps his hands together. "We are going to offer up the boy to Voldemort."

"What?" I say before I can restrain myself.

"We've been over this. The boy was unknowingly made into a Horcrux the night that Voldemort killed Lily Potter. As long as Harry is alive, no one will be able to kill Voldemort. I believe that Voldemort himself doesn't realize that Harry is a piece to keeping him alive. But he's the last piece. We offer up Harry to Voldemort and he will unknowingly kill a piece of his soul. After that, it will be easy work to finish Voldemort off."

"But. We are supposed to be protecting Harry." This time Dumbledore quirks an eyebrow at me.

"Severus my boy, you can drop the pretenses here. No one is listening in. With the annoying brat out of the way, you will no longer be bound to him or the dark lord. You will be free. That is what you've wanted right. I know he has meddled in your life and stuck his nose where it doesn't belong, but this is the quickest way to be free of Potter. This is what you wanted."

What I wanted. What Severus wanted.

"That was our deal. You bond with the boy until the time is right. We will allow Voldemort to capture the boy and he will believe that you will come back to him now that no one is stopping you. Harry thinks that you will protect him, but you don't and let Voldemort kill the boy." Dumbledore is smiling maliciously. "Voldemort will be overjoyed the first think he will want to do is celebrate with his lover. Then once he has dropped his guard, he will not expect you to finish him off. You kill him. I take the credit for having such a brave spy and then you can get what you've always wanted."

"And what exactly is that?" I ask trying to say as little as possible.

"A world with no Potter and a world where you are free. You can leave the wizarding world like you've always wanted. Go where no one knows you even exist, and no one will ever have to know about your dark past of rape and destitution." He laughs. "Come on lad, don't act like you've actually developed feelings for the boy. You just have to do as we've planned since the beginning. The boy was never meant to live. And once he's gone, no one will miss him."