Survival Bonds

Chapter 38: I love you

He was released from the medical wing later that day, and it's been a couple days since then. Getting him to eat has been hit or miss. We both 'eat' in our room. I feel better if I actually see him eat. After we ate, I went to study with Ron and Hermione for a half hour. I think Severus needs space because he has been colder with me. Not cruel but he's been pushing me away. After studying with my friends, I return to my room and Severus is once again asleep in his chair. Curled in a tight ball. Book on the floor at his feet. He's sleeping restlessly. It doesn't take more than a touch to stir him awake.

"Severus, let's get you to bed." His eyes flutter open then back closed.

"Still to early to sleep." He says. "I'm just resting my eyes." He wasn't.

"Severus, please tell me why you have been so exhausted lately?" Maybe if he's half asleep he will tell me.

"Just teacher stuff. Nothing important." I don't believe him. I know he's lying.

"We are together in this Severus. If there is something going on, then you need to tell me. You aren't shouldering all of this war on your own."

"Honestly, it's nothing Harry. Don't concern yourself." As if to prove himself, he stands stretches and places the book on the bookcase. His face looks aged. He looks older than he actually is. He was looking healthier since he stopped spying... even Poppy said that he has put on a little bit on weight. But all of that progress seems to be regressing. And I don't know why. During the day while he teaches, he appears mostly normal, but once we return to the room, it's like nothing changed. And he will not tell me why. He's pushing me away. It's like be both know that but haven't said it out loud.

"I'm worried about you." His back is to me and he doesn't turn when I start talking. Instead, he thumbs through the bookshelf. As if he didn't hear me. "Severus. I'm worried about you." I say louder. I know he heard me before, but that doesn't matter. It doesn't matter that he heard me... he isn't listening.

"Harry, there is nothing for you to be concerned with. I am perfectly fine." And it's like I can only feel anger. I've tried being patient. I stomp over to him and physically turn him to face me.

"I never got to be a child, and now we are bonded. I don't need you to hide anything from me just because you feel like I cannot handle it. Do you know how terrified I was when you collapsed. You can't protect me from something that I'm a key part in. You will not keep me out of this." I speak louder trying to get him to understand. But it has the opposite effect on him.

He doesn't raise his voice to me. He doesn't throw a book in my general direction. He reacts very softly. The louder I talk, the more he folds into himself and I realize much to late what's happening.

He's defending himself by making himself small.

And I'm bullying him.

I'm scaring him.

My hands are still on his arms and I realize that I'm squeezing them a little too hard. I don't think I've actually hurt him, but that isn't the point. I deliberately was being aggressive. To a person that has suffered at the hands of aggressive people.

When I let go of his arms, he looks away from me.

"Severus. I would never hurt you." He doesn't say anything. "I wouldn't." I sound just like someone who is abusive. I try to talk softly. I try to speak gently. It makes sense. We've moved beyond him acting like he's a prat. We've moved past him yelling and pretending that he's angry. He's strong. I would never doubt that. And I know that if it came down to it, he would protect me with his life. I know in a duel, he is very talented, but that has nothing to do with now.

He's frail. He's small. He's looking to me as if I am the dominate one while also trying to 'disobey' me. Deliberately going against his desire to just... exist. "Severus." I say gently.

"I can't tell you." He says dropping all of the pretenses. "I can't tell you, but it's bad. And I'm trying to fix something that wasn't suppose to happen. There are some ways to fix it that would be bad for you, and I am trying to find another method. I haven't been able to find one yet."

"Does this have anything to do with the headmaster?"

"Yes. He's... informed me of something unfortunate." He can't look at me. "Your safety is my first priority. It comes before your happiness and anything else." He looks at me. And his eyes are tired. "If you come to hate me again, then that is fine. The brief period that you have treated me fondly has been the greatest moments of my life. And I am satisfied with what I have experienced. If protecting you causes you to come to hate me, then it is well worth it." He turns back to the bookcase. "Harry, I believe it is best that we rethink our arrangement. I will not ask you to leave my room. You may continue dwelling here if you wish, but I no longer believe it is acceptable for us to remain in the same bed. Nor is it acceptable for us to touch each other intimately."

"Severus." He holds himself still. Like a statue. "Why are you saying this. I didn't mean to raise my voice. I just got frustrated. And last time, I shouldn't have done that without asking you first. I didn't mean to scare you."

"My task is to keep you safe. Having a close relationship hinders my task because there are things I must do that you would not like. But rest assured Potter. You have done nothing wrong. There is nothing you can say to me that would change my opinion of you."

"I'm not leaving." I say.

"Fine." He says. "You may take the bed. I will be perfectly comfortable in my chair." I gently lay my hand on his shoulder.

"Severus, please let's talk about this."

"Remove your hand. I did not give you permission to touch me." His tone is even. His arm is still. I hate it. It's like every part of my body is in pain. It's like the only happiness I have ever known has been taken from me. It's like I'm losing someone that I love.

I remove my hand. Because I'm no longer allowed to touch him. And I understand what it's like to be touched without permission.

Still. I don't give up.

"Severus. Please. We were getting along so well. If you don't want me to ask, then I will not ask. Whatever has to be done. Just please. Don't push me away. Please Severus."

"Mr. Potter. Please refer to me as Professor Snape." I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

"Severus. You can't just take away everything we've built. You can't treat me like I'm some stranger."

"You aren't a stranger." He says simply. "That is why you must give up on this. It was pleasant while it lasted, but it must come to an end." He turns to me and his face is hardened. "I have errands that I must run. It is after curfew, so I expect you to remain here. I will be back late. Do not wait up for me."

"Please don't go!" I can't breathe. "Severus. Please do not push me away."

"Mr. Potter, I have errands that I must do, it is late and you have classes tomorrow. You would do well going to sleep early."

"Severus please. I love you." The confession is out of my mouth and I need for him to believe me. "I love you. I really do. I do not want to go back. If you don't want me to touch you then I swear I will not. If you do not want me to ask you questions, then I will not. But please don't push me away. I.. I love you." His hand lightly touches my arm. His face gives away no emotions.

"I do not feel the same." He says gently but sternly. Then he deliberately pushes me aside to leave the room. It feels like he has left my life.