Survival Bonds

Chapter 27: Let's just be honest

The night has a way of amplifying. It increases anxiety. Fears. While lowering inhibitions. But when the sun begins to rise, reality sets in. We are getting too comfortable with one another.

Severus is still snugly against me. His dark hair is covering his face. My arm is wrapped around him. I know he's awake right now. But he's trapped. Trapped in the reality that last night he allowed himself to be vulnerable. I'm sure he even realizes that I know he's awake, but he hasn't moved. And I can't bring myself to pull away from him.

So we are playing a waiting game. Which one will initiate the awkwardness. Severus allowed a student to comfort him. But I can't move away from him for a very humiliating reason.

Morning wood.

I have to admit, I didn't think about this last night. It's normal for me to wake up erect. I mean. It's normal for most guys. That doesn't make it less embarrassing. I feel like my heart is pounding in my throat.

"Why are you doing this." The voice is quiet. I thought I imagined it at first.

"What do you mean." I say equally quiet.

"I just don't understand why you are taking care of me like this. Do you feel obligated because we are bonded? I can assure you, I've managed on my own before." He exhales. "Of course I can say that now, but I couldn't last night. I wouldn't have slept at all last night if not for you." The honesty from him is refreshing.

"Severus." I can feel something hard poking my side. We both know what it is, but I don't say anything. The awkward silence grows between us. After all... it's normal for most guys and I guess Severus is no different. Still. I feel it pressing against my side. If I move away then it will be obvious that I've noticed it. Same for if he moves away. I can tell he's embarrassed, I'm actually glad my lower parts are turned away from him. I think that would only make it more awkward.

"I swear, it's completely involuntary." He assures me while deliberately pushing me away. His tone is elevated. "It has nothing to do with you." His normally low voice is a much higher pitch. He's trying to sound nonchalant. I don't think he's fooling either of us.

"It's okay Severus. I understand. We are both men after all." It's quiet again. It's like he doesn't know what to do in this situation. But neither do I.

"Harry. The new term will be starting soon." Changing the subject seems as good a way of dealing with this as any.

"Yes. What about it?"

"I do not know what you wish to do, but you have the option to either stay in the Gryffindor common rooms or with me in my personal bed chambers. It could look suspicious for bond mates to not share a room, but I do only have the one bed." He swallows as if to force himself to remain neutral. "The choice is completely yours. If you wish to remain with your house mates, and that gets brought up with the media, then we should be able to settle matters by explaining that we wanted your last year to be a normal as possible." From the way he's talking, it's difficult to tell which he would prefer.

"Severus. What do you want?" He wraps his arms around himself.

"Don't worry about me. This is up to you to decide."

"Severus, please. I want to know what you want." I press the palm of my hand against his back. I'm ready to fight him on this in order to get what I want, but instead he almost immediately concedes and answers my question.

"I don't like sleeping alone. I can't keep the nightmares away every night. Without Wendy, and not being able to take the dreamless sleep often, I have the tendency of not sleeping most nights." My hand travels up his back until my fingers are tangled in his hair. I feel like the world is holding it's breath waiting for Severus to continue. "Last night I was comfortable having you hold me. I would not be opposed to have you... sleep next to me again." He's trying to sound unaffected, but that's not the case. He wants me to move in with him. He wants us to live like real bond mates. Fuck.