Survival Bonds

Chapter 17: Getting Closer

Since Severus has recovered, he's been coldly ignoring me as much as he can. We practice occlumency, defense spells, but the remainder of the time, he ignores me. Sometimes he's sitting inside the forbidden room upstairs. I saw him and immediately left him be. My weakness is respecting boundaries. I'm trying to do better. Who ever 'Princess' was, was special and it's clearly still a sensitive topic. So I'll leave him alone about it.

He doesn't look quite as yellow, I think he's actually sleeping more regularly. I know he has. I've seen some of his dreams. I've not commented on any of them. I think it's best for now if we both pretend I can't see his nightmares. He never seems to have good dreams.

Today, he's actually in his lab brewing. His hair looks greasy today, but I know now that it's the protective potions he puts in his hair. He's ignoring me while I watch him brew. There is something about the way he moves that is unnaturally graceful. Chopping or dicing ingredients with ease. A gentle sway of hips as he moves. Focused on only his potion. His hands are stained, but I can't stop looking at them. It's fascinating the way those long fingers grip confidently on a knife or wand. On the stirring stick. The muggle clothes he wears while at home, flatter his lanky body better than the ominous robes. Not that the robes are bad, but it makes him look harsher than he really is.

"Harry, is there any reason you are ogling me." He says snidely. His dark eyes are cutting into me.

"I just noticed that you look a lot more attractive when you are relaxed." Why did I say that. Why did I say that! Stupid impulsive mouth. His mouth twists harshly.

"You will not mock me Potter." His tone is threatening. Damn it.

"I wasn't mocking you I swear! I was just talking out loud. I didn't even mean to say that. You just never look relaxed. This is the first time I've seen you like this." I can tell that every muscle in his body is tense. "Severus, I wasn't mocking you." Why do I always talk when I should stay quiet? He tilts his head inspecting me. "It was a compliment. Or I meant it as a compliment at least." Sometimes tell me that he isn't accustomed to receiving compliments, and certainly not about his looks. "Why do you want to be the defense again dark arts professor so badly, it looks like you actually enjoy potions." It's no secret among everyone at Hogwarts that Professor Snape has been trying to get the teaching job for years.

"Potions hold little value in the war. True enough, healing droughts and the like are important, but it is more likely that my students will be under curses and jinxes, and they will need to know how to combat them. Most of the DADA teachers have been piss poor at best. Some more evil then even the dark lord." Umbridge. My hands still have faint scars from her 'detentions.' Last year, Severus wasn't necessarily bad. I do wonder though if he held back so that he would not look suspicious to the dark lord. When he left the school after his failed attempt at 'killing the headmaster', I honestly felt betrayed. Dumbledore trusted him, and I honestly thought he was trying to kill the headmaster and he just happened to have failed.

"I know we never really talked about it, but your potions textbook. The fact that you were, well are the half blood prince. The way you explained things in there were much easier to understand than in the potions classroom. You should write a textbook." I wring my hands together. He exhales.

"I have. No one will publish a textbook written by a death-eater. As for that old textbook of mine. I owned it during a dark time in my life. Many of those spells," He looks at me pointedly, "were not intended for use outside of war. I was fascinated with dark arts from a purely educational point of view. If one is willing to use dark means, they can accomplish everything. But Harry. Everything has a price. When Lily died, I researched any way to bring her back." He exhales. Then he laughs. It's not a pleasant laugh though. It's bitter. And angry. "There was a way. It likely would have worked. But the price was much to high. And Lily would not have wanted to live under those circumstances."

"What... what was the price." I shouldn't ask. It's clear I will not like the answer. He only laughs more.

"Forgive my paraphrasing, it was written in Latin and far to complicated to repeat. Suffice to say, I could have brought her back, if I killed you." He laughs bitterly. "Here I am, reading this old tome searching for any way to bring my only friend back to life. My only friend that choose her sons life over hers and I find that the only way is to kill the person she died protecting. If it were any life for hers, then I could have accomplished it. I had already realized that her living was worth so much more than me." He shakes his head.

"It wasn't your fault. Not really. It was Voldemort's."

"Don't say his name Harry." He sounds exhausted. "Believe me when I say that I searched for any way to right my wrongs. But somethings cannot be fixed." I'm not sure what I should do; so, I do the only thing I can think of. I hug him. He just remains stiff in my embrace, but I can't think of anything to do. He's hurting. I suppose he hurts a lot. But I can't help him.

"It's in the past." He doesn't say anything. "Right now, we need to focus on how to survive the present so that we can make it to the future." I let him go and he at least looks calmer. "I wonder who Dumbledore intends to bring in as potions and DADA professor." Severus rubs his temple.

"I have no idea. The headmaster isn't exactly prone on letting anyone else in on his plans." The silence is building between us and though it's not completely awkward, I feel like I should say something.

"Thank you for saving me from Quirrell during my first Quidditch match. I found out at the end of that year, but I never thank you. And thank you during my second year for indirectly teaching me expelliarmus, even though you didn't intentionally teach it to me, I has been a very useful spell to me. And third year, even though Sirius wasn't really trying to kill me, you thought he was, and you protected me then. Forth year, you rescued me from the imposter, and then fifth year with Umbridge. She wanted you to give her truth serum to use on me. But you said that you did not have any. I'm sure you were lying. You never let any of your stores go empty... And then you saved me when my relatives house was raided. I know you've saved me even more times than I know, and I know that I haven't thanked you for any of those times. I'm sorry and thank you."

"I did not do it for you Potter."

"Harry." I say. "And it doesn't matter what your reason is. I'm still thankful. So thank you Severus." He turns back to his potion. I'm not sure if he is ignoring me, or just doesn't want to think about what I've said. He deserves to be thanked.

"Tomorrow, you will be going to Hogwarts. Get your class list and get out of this house for a few hours, I'm sure that will aid in recovering your sanity."

"What?"

"I said that you are going to Hogwarts tomorrow. As crazed as you sound, you no doubt need to see your friends."

"But. Are you sure that it's safe to do that?"

"I have intended for you to visit them for a while, tomorrow will be the best day for you to do that."

"Why tomorrow?" He turns back to his potion and ignores me. When I ask him again, he doesn't so much as twitch. Maybe I should be frustrated with him, but I'm just really looking forward to seeing my friends.