Survival Bonds

Chapter 32: It's Something

It's completely dark. It reminds me of the night we consummated our bond. It's completely dark.

He wanted the lights off. He didn't want to be seen. I don't remind him that I've seen him naked a few times already. I don't remind him that I know about the scars or how thin he is. I just let him have this security blanket. I think he's just embarrassed to be seen with anything less than complete control. It's hard to say why Severus wants particular things, but I'm willing to oblige him. If it makes him feel more comfortable.

So, we are in the dark. On our shared bed. It's difficult to blindly search, but moving slowly, I manage to not hurt either of us.

"You don't have to do this." He says. My hand reaches out until I feel his leg. Carefully, I travel up his leg until my hand is securely on his hip.

"No Severus. You don't have to do this. If you do not want me too, then you need to tell me now." He stays quiet. Deliberately, both of my hands grab his hips. "If you don't stop me, then I'm going too. I want too. But if you aren't ready..." Again, he's quiet. "I know you are pent up. It'll feel good for you."

"I'm sure it will Harry. But I'm not your uncle. I don't want to be someone that takes advantage of you."

"Severus, I'm the one that suggested this. I would like to make you feel good. I'm making the choice myself. You aren't pressuring me or taking advantage. It's something I honestly want to do." His bare skin actually feels soft. He's slightly cool to the touch- not in an unpleasant way. He's actually normally cold. The dungeons are so much colder than I previously thought.

He undressed in the dark. Clearly, he didn't want me to see even though I already have. I can feel his body lightly tremoring. I can hear him breathing. Faster than normal and partly panicky. So, I wait for him to calm down because I understand.

"It's okay Severus." He's sitting at the edge of the bed and I'm on the ground between his legs. It's easy to find his hands and gently I grasp them. "I want to do this, but only if you also want me too." I'm trying to sound confident so that he knows he can rely on me. "Severus, I'm making a choice for myself. I would like to be intimate with my husband. I'm nervous, but this is what I want. But I also want you to want this. If you don't that is okay. If you aren't interested in this, that's also okay. We have both been through a lot. I don't expect either of us to be confident the first time."

My eyes are starting to adjust and I can see the outline of him. I'm not sure how well he can see me.

"Harry." All he says is my name. And then the silence completely grows between us. I watch as his hands tentatively reach out to lay on top of my head. Both hands thread through my hair nervously. He isn't so much forcing me as silently consenting.

"Are you sure Severus? If you aren't sure, then that's okay."

"I might change my mind in the middle. I really don't know. Harry all of this is new to me."

"Me too Severus. All you have to do is stop me. We can go at our own pace." I casually place my hands on his hips. "Did he ever...?"

"The submissive partner should only receive pleasure from being used. He was not in the habit of doing things for my pleasure." He speaks slowly. "But I... for him many times. He liked to see me on my knees for him." He's shaking again. "I don't want to be like him." He says after a short pause. His hands are abruptly trying to pull away, but I lay my hands over top his. The position is awkward, but I manage to calm him.

"Severus, I am choosing to be here. I may not have understood the bond in the beginning, but I chose to become close to you. I chose to save you. I chose to share a room with you. I chose to care about you. And Severus, I chose to trust you. I've made my choice, all you have to do is make yours. Do you want me to touch you?"