Survival Bonds

Chapter 30: Telling the Slytherins

Severus had to meet with his first years just like every head of house does the first night, every year. He should be back soon. I've settled into our bed almost like it's natural. We do have an early day tomorrow, and he will insist that we get a good night's sleep. Ironic coming from him.

I'm a very light sleeper, so he wakes me up often. I haven't told him because I didn't want to concern him. But all throughout the night, he wakes up- which causes me to wake up. Normally I just lay there quietly until he goes back to sleep. We have an unspoken agreement.

I don't mention his nightmares.

And he doesn't mention mine.

So sometimes we will wake up at the same time from one of our dreams but I normally pretend that it didn't wake me up. I think he knows otherwise, but he hasn't called me out of it.

When he wakes up, normally he will curl against me. Sometimes tentatively- almost shyly- he will reach out and hold my hand. He normally sleeps very close to me. Having someone near helps him cope with his nightmares.

Our relationship is still awkward. We have kissed a couple of times. We sleep next to each other every night. We are technically married. I think Severus might want more from our relationship, and I'm pretty sure I do want more. Taking another step is terrifying though.

It would be so easy to accidently hurt him and I honestly don't think I have the tact to keep from screwing up. Severus deserves to be happy. Severus comes back clearly exhausted.

He removes his outer robes and leaving the rest on, more or less falls into bed.

"First years are very draining."

"Of course they are." I say lightly. Reflexively, I reach out to begin rubbing the knots in his body. I don't know why it feels natural, but it somehow does. So I apply lighter and firmer pressure where he needs it and this does the trick to calm him down. His body is almost like liquid with how relaxed he is.

"That feels good." He says huskily. I'm not even sure if he realizes how he sounds. Either way, two things happen simultaneously. The first is that I begin massaging him more deliberately and the second is, my body decides that right now is the time to get hard. I blame his voice. It's naturally deep to start with, add a hint of appreciation to the voice, and he sounds like he's in the middle of having sex.

I swallow and try to calm myself.

"Harry. Please. A bit lower?" He relaxes into the bed. I can feel his heart race under my palms even though his tone is calm. So, I rub lower on his back trying to remind myself that I do have some control.

Every touch between us has been hesitant thus far. Neither of us are very confident in touching or being touched. More often than not, we give each other ample space. A casual touch here or there, but they are short lived. Or it's something like stroking his hair. He likes that. He likes gentle touching. Soft. Innocent. The relaxed back seems to tense up again all of a sudden. My hands falter. Was it starting to hurt maybe? I thought I was doing it the same way though.

"Harry." He's quiet. He sounds embarrassed. "You have to stop. I'm... it got me..." I pause to give him time to think of his wording. "My body is... I am.." He seems to go back and forth not able to decide on what to say. But I understand what he isn't comfortable saying.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to get you..."

"No no. it's not your fault. I know you were just trying to be nice. I don't know why my body suddenly became..." He's ears are pink.

"Draco really cares about you." I say instead of addressing the real subject right now.

"Yes." He says simply, then goes on to elaborate. "Draco has always been very fond of me. There was a time that I believed his father to be something of a friend. He is not of course. But there was a time in my life where I believed he was. I did not have much of a family to speak of and he essentially took me under his wing. He will always be loyal to the dark lord. Cissy however. I believe she is only loyal to the dark lord because he husband is and at this point, she is afraid that Draco may be harmed if she did anything against the dark lord. Every since the dark lord tried to kill Draco, Cissy has stopped believing in the cause."

"Should we trust her then?"

"Absolutely not. Harry. I believe Cissy may actually be fond of me because she knows I care for Draco, but she is a mother first." He smiles softly. "She's a good mother." In a rare show of affection, he curls against my side. "Harry. I am acutely familiar with what she would do to keep her son safe." His eyes are closed. "Harry. If something happens. If it looks like the light will be unable to survive this war, then I want you to go into hiding."

"Severus, I can't just run away forever." He opens his eyes and my blood runs cold. Those intense eyes could hypnotize me.

"I have an account with a muggle bank. It's enough to survive on for a reasonable length of time if you aren't foolish with the money. You would have to use your magic sparingly, but Niffy could help. I don't care if the whole of the wizarding world is killed off. Harry, I need for you to live. We are living in dangerous times. Should I somehow be captured, do not try to rescue me. I know that he will not kill me. He cares for me to much for that. But as long as I'm alive, I can keep him from using the scar to track you. Niffy knows of a safe house that I have had for a while- no one knows of it. I need you to swear to me that you will stay safe."

"Severus, I'm sure that..."

"Swear to me Harry." He cuts me off. "I know you are prone to stupidity, or bravery as you Gryffindor's like to say, but if you go into hiding, then you will have the ability to become stronger. If you act foolishly, then there will be no chance. There is too much on your shoulder for your age. If it comes down to it, I need for you to be safe." I stroke his hair, but I don't promise.

I could never put my well being over his. I know that I couldn't. And what about everyone else that I care about. I can't leave them to potential death.

"Severus." I say softly. He turns facing away from me. I don't think he's actually upset with me though. "You know I couldn't do that."

"I know." He whispers. "But I'm afraid that it's likely to come down to that. He is determined, and although he doesn't have the strength that he once did, I am not sure that you have the abilities to defeat him."

"I'm afraid too Severus." I wrap my arm around his middle and pull him back against me. "I do not want to think about you going back to him. I do not want to think about you being hurt again."

He's gained a bit of weight. Not much, but some. He still has a lot more that he needs to put on to be considered a healthy weight, but it's a start. Not having the stress of spying seems to keep his stomach more settled. Not to mention not being violated.

"We should sleep." Severus says. "We both have a long day tomorrow."

"You never told me. How did your Slytherins take the news of you actually being bonded to me?"

"I really only spoke with the first years. I am sure that many of my older Slytherins will lose respect for me, but the young ones were to overwhelmed by their new environment to show their opinions about this. I will know more within a week how trifling my Slytherins are going to be about our relationship."

I press the bridge of my nose against the back of his neck.

I don't know how I know, maybe it's because I've been around him for awhile now, but I know he's worried about this. I can feel the anxiety washing over him in waves.

"I'm sure there will be Slytherins on both sides I say." I can't lie to him. There are going to be some that lose all respect for him and there will be those that do not care one way or another. Maybe even a few like Draco that are happy for him. I'm not really sure. Either way... "Either way Severus, I'll be here."