Survival Bonds

Chapter 12: Headmaster's back again

Dumbledore is checking on us again today. He's asking Snape if he has any news concerning Voldemort. Nothing new. When he showed up, he presented me with a letter from Ron and a letter from Hermione. Apparently, both of them are staying at Hogwarts for safety purposes. Their homes are being constantly monitored by order members. Snape said it was safe to write them back and send the letters via Dumbledore. I just can't mention my whereabouts or that I'm with Snape. Or anything about the soul bond. Still. It's been driving me crazy to not be able to communicate with my friends. I hate keeping this from them, but I don't have much choice. When it's safe to, I'll tell them everything. I was happy to pass my letters off to Dumbledore.

"He is progressing well in occlumency. He is not anywhere close to proficient, but he's improved greatly compared to where he started." Snape's face is straight. His posture is rigid. Both of his arms are held firmly at his side in a mock 'casual' manner. This isn't how he handles himself when it's just us. He's more relaxed, but right now. He's all business. "Potter. You are to go to your room. The headmaster and I have some things to discuss." I open my mouth to protest. I don't know why I don't. I don't know why I close my mouth and actually nod.

I actually do as he asked.

I feel like a child asked to leave the room so the adults can fight. Still. He asked me to trust him. I can't say that it's particularly easy to do as he says. And sometimes he's still a prick. But there have been times that he isn't. There are times when he's a decent human being. Nice even. Understanding.

He's made no comments about the things he saw. He's not asked any questions after the initial moment. It's like he understood I didn't want to think or talk about it. It's mostly been shoved to the back of my mind. I go around pretending it never happened and most of the time, I really feel like it never happened. Sometimes though. I'm hyper sensitive about the... ordeal. Like the night Snape and I consummated the bond. It's just sex. And a part of me feels in the great scheme of things, sex is just sex. Do what has to be done and move on. But another part feels the exact opposite. I didn't want to... hurt him.

Being sent to my room and asked to stay here reminds me of being at my relatives. I'm almost afraid to try the door knob in case it is locked. But the only lock is on my side of the door. And realistically, I know even if I was locked in, I could always spell the door open. After some time, Niffy pops into my room.

"Harry, you can come out now." She smiles lopsidedly at me. When I do leave the room, Dumbledore is already gone. Snape is sitting in one of the highbacked chairs in the empty library. He's leaned over with his head in his palms. I'm almost afraid to disturb him.

"Professor."

"Potter." He says without looking up.

"Are you alright sir?" He exhales slowly.

"Potter. The bond between us was created out of necessity, still. I will never ask for your forgiveness. I would not put you in the situation where you are faced with the idea of forgiving a man who wronged you as I did. I defiled you." Is that really how he sees it.

"Professor. Snape. You didn't defile me." It's hard to face him even while he's not looking at me, so I turn away from him. "I'm not good with words, so bear with me. I don't know what happened to you. I guess if you want me to know then you will tell me. The night that we... consummated the bond. You were scared of being touched. I know you refuse to talk about it, so I will not question you. But... whatever made you uncomfortable, I'm glad that my uncle did what he did... so that I could understand a little better." That came out completely wrong. I can't believe I just said that. We've mostly been okay with each other, but now it'll be more steps back.

His body noticeably shakes and I would flinch if not for the easy laughter. The longer I stand and watch him, the more he laughs. It's a very human laugh. No maniacal cackling, or anything bizarre like that. Just. A laugh.

"Sir. I'm sorry. Did I say something wrong?" It's almost natural to watch this very human man laugh.

"I didn't think anyone could be so much like Lily." He's actually smiling and something about it is nice. It makes him look more alive and less stern. It brightens him. But his words are my primary focus.

"Sir, am I more like my mother or father?" He stops smiling and I actually regret my question. But he's pulled his thumb to his mouth to bite down on it. I've noticed that he does them when he's contemplating something.

"Lily and James Potter were actually very similar to one another. I would say their most defining features is their fierce protective nature. They were both brash and impulsive. But at their core they were good. Your father happily befriended a werewolf and a boy born from a primarily Slytherin family with little to no reluctance. Your mother." He pauses. I watch him look down at his open hands. "She was my only real friend. Maybe because of pity. My home life was more than unsavory, and she knew about it well. I don't believe she was ever ashamed of me. Even when I deserved it."

"We all make mistakes sir." He nods.

"Yes, but some mistakes are much worse than others. You are similar to both your mother and father, but you are also a person all your own. Harry, you need not compare yourself to either of your parents, you are your own man." I'm taken aback by my name.

"Sir, do you really mean that." I've grown use to praise from witches and wizards. But it is never praising me. It's always praising my parent's actions. Or expecting certain behavior because I am the boy who lived. I feel like me... Harry Potter was just praised for the first time. As a person. The shock is so great that him using my name hardly phases me.

"Yes Potter." He's back to formalities. "You have the makings of a splendid wizard and a strong person." He stands. "I have a bit of brewing to do. Go through your meditation and practice clearing your mind. After dinner, we will practice Occlumency."

"Sir. Before you go, what did you have to discuss with the headmaster?"

"If I wished for you to know Potter, then I would not have asked you to leave the room." Clearly.

"Sir. Please. If it concerns me, then don't I have the right to know. You asked me to trust you, and you said that you would have to trust me as well. If it really doesn't concern me, then I will leave it alone, but if it's about me, then please. Don't keep me in the dark. I feel like my entire life has been planned for me behind my back." He exhales slowly.

"The headmaster and I spoke of the bond that you and I share. I also discussed with him my displeasure at how the situation with your uncle was handled. I addition, when I spoke with your uncle, I might have used a few choice words, and his memories should be suppressed due to that." He crosses his arms. "Potter. You are my responsibility. Regardless of our differences, I will not abide the actions that were committed against you. As far as I'm concerned," He pointedly looks away from me, "the headmaster is just as much in the wrong as your uncle. I apologize that I did not do more as your teacher."

"You couldn't have known. I only ever really let Professor Dumbledore know. I would have never gone to you. I wouldn't have. I might would have gone to my head of house, but I just didn't want anyone to know. Even if I knew you would have been on my side, I still don't think I could have been vulnerable like that around you. I couldn't let anyone know."

"Yes Potter, I understand. Admitting to sexual abuse is a difficult conversation to have even with someone you trust." He's not looking at me.

"Sir. Were you ever..." I don't finish my question.

"Harry. Don't ask a question to something you don't want to know the answer of. Please. Some things are better left unsaid."