Survival Bonds

Chapter 45: In the bed

I once trusted Dumbledore more than anyone.

That isn't the case anymore.

It's like he's a wild card. At any point he could snap. Ask anyone and they will tell you all the good that he has done for the wizarding world. How much of that was to keep the scent off of him. How deep does the rabbit hole go. Who can we trust. I trust Hagrid. But he's loyal to Dumbledore. I trust Professor McGonagall. But she's loyal to Dumbledore.

How deep does the rabbit hole go?

Who can we really trust.

It frightens me. The man I love. If I can't protect him what will happen. Will I lose him. To what extent will I lose him. Draco is forced into a role he has never wanted any part of. Megan. Severus's Princess. Can we even keep her out of this war?

What exactly does Dumbledore want. What is his goal. For a man that is clearly devious- is ruling a school the extent of what he wants.

We have to keep our friends close. Keep them safe. Keep them informed.

I rarely speak to Ron or Hermione anymore. It isn't that we've had a falling out so much as our dynamic has changed. To them the most important person is each other. I don't fault them for that. It's natural to hold a significant other above all else.

But it certainly puts my situation in perspective. After all.

Severus is my highest priority right now. It's not easy. But he's my priority. Dark eyes. Biting wit. Cunning and paranoid.

Maybe rightfully so.

I understand enough right now to know that we need more allies. But doing this puts all of us at risk. If I try to form an alliance with someone fooled by the headmaster, then it will only muck up the situation worse. There are so many I want to rely on. I would love to reach out to my head of house. Or Hagrid. Hagrid. The first person to expose me to the magical world. I would hate to reach out to him and have him think me a traitor. He owes the headmaster so much, but how much of it was fabricated.

I just don't know, what part of the headmaster is true and which part is a façade.

Severus had a façade. A cleverly devised mask to keep everyone far enough away from the truth. He was so gifted at pretending to be someone else that I would have never found out on my own.

Severus is reading a book. That's a lie. He's looking at a book and pretending to read it. I can tell because he hasn't flipped the page in nearly fifteen minutes. I'm doing school work. That's a lie. I'm looking at my school work and pretending to do it. So he's watching me watch him, and neither of us will admit it out loud. My mouth feels unbearably dry.

"Harry, did you need help?" His pink tongue darts across his chapped lips awkwardly. I can't pull my eyes away from that tongue. I want to taste it.

"No. I don't need any help." It's just now occurred to me that I've been sharing a bed with him for a while. Sharing a room with the object of your affections isn't exactly conducive to relieving certain 'natural urges'. I wonder if he's just as pent up. Or maybe he wanks in the shower.

Don't think about that right now. I should leave that thought for maybe the next time I'm in the shower.

He's still looking at me.

We are both stressed. The war. I can feel it closing in. I feel like we are surrounded on all sides and all I want to do is touch him. Kiss him. Make him make obscene sounds.

"I think I'm just tired." I say. "This homework isn't due just yet, so I think I'm going to go to bed a little early." I leave the books and papers where they are. When I'm almost to the room, I hear him close his book and stand.