Survival Bonds

Chapter 60: What do you want?

I'm not sure what woke me up, but when I opened my eyes, Severus was sitting upright in the bed. The blanket was pooled around his waist and he was looking directly at his left forearm.

The fingers on his right hand are prodding the pale flesh as if testing this 'illusion.'

"I killed him." My own somber voice seems to startle us both.

"I know." His voice sounds hoarse. "Am I odd for feeling strangely empty." He lets me grab his hand and squeeze it in my own. "He was the first person. The only person to ever really love me."

"I love you." He doesn't respond. And Tom died loving you. I think to myself. "Severus, he let me kill him. He took back the horcrux inside of me and then he let me kill him. He died loving you. His last wish was that I would take care of you since he was unable. I know this is a lot to take in, but he is gone. And you are safe now."

"You are different now. Your magic. It's like you aren't the same person." I wrap my arms around him.

"Severus. I'm the same insufferable boy that you've saved so many times, and I'm the same man that fell in love with you. I gained my inheritance as the heir to Gryffindor when I showed an act of bravery by defeating the dark lord. This power was always inside of me, just untapped. I honestly don't know much about it because it's pretty new. I'm going to use this new power of mine to keep you safe and to keep you happy. I haven't changed who I am."

"The mark is gone." He says. It feels like this statement is coming out of no where. Granted he's been looking at only his arm since I woke up, but still. This is Severus. He has a reason for everything he does and says.

"Yes. It is."

"I forgot what it felt like to be free." The words themselves could fool most. It's his tone. Thinly laced fear. He isn't saying it as if it were a good thing.

"Does it scare you?"

"It's been so long. I'm not loyal to the dark lord and I'm not loyal to Dumbledore. It's just you. It's always been you."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"The war is over."

"Severus?"

"The war is over. There's no reason for us to be bonded anymore. I don't want the war over!" All at once he's trembling and choking on shaky breaths. His hands clasp his hair as he curls into a pitiful ball. It's harder to calm him down than normal. It's like all hope is dead and he cannot be consoled.

"Severus. We aren't breaking the bond." He doesn't seem to be really listening. Not even when I pull him against my chest and stroke his hair. "I love you Severus."

"There's no reason for us to be bonded!"

"Severus. Calm down. If you keep shouting like that someone might come in. I'm not going anywhere and we aren't going to break the bond. You are as free or confined as you want to be. I love you."

"I don't know what's expected of me anymore. I'm not... there's nothing for me to do now."

"Shh." He at least lets me hold him against my chest. "Severus, you've been through a lot recently, I don't want you to stress yourself out." I stroke his hair and manage to ease him back into the bed. "Niffy." It only takes her name for her to immediately appear in the room. She smiles very gently and comfortingly at both of us. "Do you think you could prepare something light for Severus to eat? He might feel better with a bit on his stomach." Before she can move, Severus's cool calm tone stops her.

"Don't bother. I'm not hungry." I'm not surprised and apparently neither is Niffy.

"Niffy will be bringing food for both masters." She says pacifyingly. With a stern glance, she locks eyes with me. I know she's silently insisting that I get him to eat something. Anything. "Niffy will be back shortly."