Survival Bonds

Chapter 39: Draco's words of wisdom

Draco is pissed.

"Are you out of your mind?!" Really pissed. I tracked him down and more or less pushed him to a secluded part of the castle. Privacy spells are up. I did all of this... just to have him chew me out.

"I didn't know what else to do. I.. I panicked. I thought if I told him how I really felt, then maybe he would stop pushing me away."

"That is literally the worst thing you could do to make him stop pushing you away. It doesn't matter if it's true, you should never word vomit words of love." He mockingly gags when he says the word love. It makes him look a lot less regal. "Especially not to someone like Severus. If anything, you just made the entire situation harder. I told you, be like a shadow. That's how you win him over. If you keep doing stupid shit like panicking and saying you love him, then he will always push you away."

"He told me that he doesn't feel the same." Draco rolls his eyes.

"Well, he's obviously lying."

"I don't think he is." Draco sighs as if I were some stupid pet he has to look out for.

"Let's assess where love has gotten him, shall we? Love has gotten him abandoned, beaten, raped, deceived, manipulated, and more apprehensive than most. And what did you do in the face of all his logic to defend himself and you? You came on too strong. You pushed when you should have hung back and let him cool off."

"Well how am I suppose to know when to push or pull or chase after him or leave him alone. He doesn't exactly make it easy!" Draco nods.

"Is he worth the headache?" He asks blankly. His face gives nothing away. His tone is neutral.

"What do you mean?"

"Answer the question. Is Severus worth all the walls you will have to deal with. Knowing that he may never fully trust you. Knowing that he will likely always take on everything and never rely on you. Knowing that he has been damaged so much that the idea of a normal relationship is- if not impossible close to it. Is he worth it?" Draco crosses his arms. "Because if he isn't then you should cut your losses before you actually hurt him."

"Of course he's worth it; I'm serious when I say that I love him." I am serious.

"I believe you." Draco clasps his hand on my shoulder in a friendly manner. "All you need to do, is to not be stupid. I know that's going to be a bit difficult for you."

"I just don't know how to close the distance between us. I thought we were doing so well. Am I just suppose to ignore when he's doing self-destructive behavior?"

"Of course not. But if you blindly charge in, you will only scare him off. Love isn't a race. It can be tedious for some people. Loving Severus is going to be like pulling teeth. Or maybe fishing would make more sense to you. You have to reel him in a bit. Give him a little slack. Reel some more. Until eventually he will give up and just be with you."

"That's a really bad example."

"Well what do you expect. You are asking relationship advice from someone who's never been in a relationship! I'm doing my best to help you clean up the mess you made." Never been in a relationship.

"Not with anyone?" I ask out of curiosity.

"What part of loving Neville since I was a child don't you understand. Now I have been betrothed to three very pretty young ladies, but I was fortunately always able to find some flaw with them to break it off."

"Don't you just want to tell him?" I ask. "I mean, I know you can't, but..."

"I have no fear of confessing to him. If I am turned away, so be it. But we are not discussing my lack of love life, we are discussing yours. I am sure there is something Severus wishes to protect you from."

"He will never tell me though."

"Maybe not." Draco bites his thumb in concentration. "But you may be able to get the information from the headmaster. I have a sneaky suspicion that he would know. Because he fancies himself a ringleader. If you already know, then there will be no point in Severus hiding whatever it is from you. Severus is much to paranoid to believe a lie, you will actually have to prove to him that you know whatever it is."

"I doubt the headmaster will tell me."

"I don't recall saying that you should ask him." He grins mischievously. Then immediately all hints of what he was implying vanish from his features. "Or. You can trust that Severus is doing what he thinks is best for you. Whatever he is hiding could very well be something above your head that he wishes to protect you from. Severus is pretty good at gauging someone's abilities. If he thinks you are not ready for this information, then maybe you aren't and should respect that."

"He's making himself sick though."

"Trust me, it bothers me just as much. But that's Severus. And since I love him too, I know this is just part of who he is." He pats my arm. "Now. I have to get back before anyone notices that I've disappeared."

Maybe Draco is right. Maybe I should just be patient.

Back in the room, Severus is sleeping restlessly in the chair and it makes my chest ache. Gently I touch his arm and his eyes tiredly blink open. His hair is starting to take on that familiar shiny sheen. He has thick bags under his eyes from lack of sleep.

"Severus, come to bed." It's midday. He shakes his head.

"It is much to early for sleep. I am perfectly comfortable in this chair." I bite my bottom lip. I already feel guilty about this.

"Severus. I didn't sleep well last night. I'm really tired, but I'm afraid to sleep alone. I promise that I will not make a habit of asking, and I promise to give you as much space on the bed as you want, but please come and take a nap with me." I'm lying. I have no doubt that he even knows I'm lying.

It is true that I don't sleep as well alone, but I slept well enough to not need a nap in the middle of the day."

"Potter," He's quiet. The silence is so thick I feel like I can't breathe. So I try to break it with the only weak words I can say.

"I'm sorry that I'm not more trustworthy. I'm sorry that you still see me as someone you can't depend on. I'm going to try my best to prove you wrong. So please. I don't have any ulterior motives. I just want to know what you are well rested. If that means I can no longer touch you then fine. If it means taking a step back, then fine. If it means acting like I don't notice how much sick you are making yourself... I can't do that." I take a deep breath trying to calm my nerves. "I can't just pretend that I'm not watching you not eating or not getting enough sleep. I'm worried about you. And I will always be worried no matter how much you try to convince me otherwise."

"I still don't feel the same." He says with absolute clarity.

"That's fine. I can accept that." It feels like a knife through the chest. It feels like a thousand needles piercing every inch of my skin. It feels like giving up before even giving it a chance. I can't accept it. But I force my body to be calm. "I can accept that." I say again. I'm lying. And he may very well know that too, but I get what I want. He stands up and walks to the bed.

He's giving up easier than I thought he would, but maybe that's just because he's so tired. He takes his spot on his side of our bed. He pulls the covers over himself and I wrap my arms around him from behind.

"If I'm smothering you, just let me know." He doesn't say anything. It seems like he's asleep before the words even left my mouth.

I'm going to figure out what is being hidden from me. One way or another. I know Severus will not tell me. I'll have to do more distract things, but that's fine. Because right now in my arms he's sleeping. Because deep down, I think he wants to be here just as much as I want him here.

Unconsciously he falls deeper into sleep and deeper against my chest. When he wakes up, maybe I can get him to eat. When he wakes up he might push me away again. Draco's right. It's push and pull.

This war.

It is destroying everything, but I will not let it destroy my bond to this man.