Survival Bonds

Chapter 33: I messed up

Severus is a good teacher. It's actually a shame that he's been unable to fully commit to teaching until now. No one would call him lenient. And no one would say he's an easy teacher. But at least now, he's fair. The tutoring has actually helped many students that would have otherwise failed. Neville of all people actually does well now that it's been explained differently. It actually makes me smile hearing Severus explain something he's passionate about in different ways. He hasn't said it, but I can tell he's found a new excitement in teaching. He spends time searching for different ways to reach his students.

With me, he compares it to cooking. Certain ingredients are stronger. Certain ones pair well with others.

With Neville, he compares it to herbology. From the moment Severus started explaining it in that way to him, it's like a lightbulb went off. He started doing so well that some students actually accused him of cheating... Cheating?! Neville of all people. I think it also helps that he's not afraid of Severus anymore. That doesn't mean that everyone has come around to the new Severus. As we predicted, some of his Slytherins have lost all respect for him. Draco is mean on a daily basis, but Severus understands that survival has to come first. He told me that many of his students that are loudly against him, are likely also trying to keep themselves safe. They can't choose their families. They can only try to keep themselves safe. Self-preservation. I believe this is something that Severus knows very well.

Severus and I are careful. We don't leave the castle- and neither do Ron or Hermione for safety reasons. Other than that, most everything carries on as usual. I still play quidditch. Severus still brews copious amounts of potions for the medical wing. He teaches, I try to learn. And at night.

At night.

It's difficult to keep from touching him during the day. I'm sure it's hormones. I'm a hormonal teenager that happens to be married. And until now, I've more or less suppressed any desires because of the stuff my uncle did to me. Maybe suppressed isn't the right word. More correctly would be to say, I didn't have any desires. It's almost strange that I do now. I blame Severus for that. Okay. Blame is the wrong word. But it is because of Severus.

Maybe it's because he understands what it's like for something that is suppose to be a positive thing... to be twisted. Maybe that's why. Or maybe it's because he wants so little. And I think that's the saddest thing of all. For years. His whole like more likely... He's been beaten down. And all he wants is something that most would consider insignificant. Because they already have it. He just wants someone to look at him like he's something special. To treat him like he's worthy of being cared for.

But I messed up.

I know that the plan was for him to bond with me to keep me safe. I know he views himself as a pawn. I know most of the light views him as a pawn. He exists more or less to keep me alive. And I have no doubt that he would die to keep me safe. Even though I don't want that. But I know now what the plan was... even though no one actually told me.

I was supposed to keep hating him. I was supposed to view him as the 'pawn he is'. I was supposed to see him as disposable. Even this bonding. When the war ends, if he still managed to be alive... he would... stop being alive so that I could be free of this bonding. Evil ugly cruel Snape was the image that I was allowed to see. That's all anyone was allowed to see. I had to view him as expendable, or at the very least, I had to hate him.

He knew that. And I believe Dumbledore knew that.

If I hated him then I wouldn't care if he died. I wouldn't try to save him. If I hated him, then he could protect me without the worry of me protecting him.