Survival Bonds

Chapter 28: Just a kiss

We are sitting across from each other on his bed. Both of us naked but refusing to look at each other. He's still reluctant. I gently take his hand but I notice how he tenses.

"If I say that I don't like something..."

"Then I will stop immediately." I say. I try to calm my pounding heart and actually smile at him. "Severus. I can't guarantee I will be any good or that I will be able to make you feel good. I'm very inexperienced."

"That doesn't matter." He says looking away from me deliberately. "Harry, what's wrong with me." He sounds so unsure of himself. "Why do I want to be touched so bad when I hate it." I inch closer to him and cup his narrow face in my hand.

"Severus, you are desperate to be touched." His eyes are wide but I continue. "You are starved for affection. Severus, I think you want to be coddled. Protected. Touched gently. Told sweet nothings." His face is completely red. "Honestly Severus, you seem to want really 'vanilla' things. You just had a bit of bad luck and haven't been given what you want. I don't want to be rough with you. I don't want to hurt you. I actually..." I'm so nervous. "I actually want to touch you gently. And coddle you. And protect you. And whisper sweet nothings." He squirms a bit. I try to remain calm. I don't want to be anxious when he's anxious enough for the both of us. "It's okay if you are scared. Or nervous. I am too." At my admission, he seems to calm down a bit.

"Maybe we shouldn't." He says as if It were not already too late. We've opened pandora's box. Sure. We could back out now. We could refrain from exploring exactly what this desire between us is. We might even manage to pretend this never happened. A part of it is already to late though. We've confessed our sins. I know that he desires me. And he knows that I desire him.

"It's completely up to you Severus. But we are bonded. I'm not going to let you break this bond between us even once the war is over. That doesn't mean we have to do this now. That doesn't mean we ever have too. But I'm tired of pretending that I don't want more." The air around us is supercharged with hormones. "I've never wanted to touch someone so much. Severus. Can I... can I kiss you?"

I watch him back away from me all while slowly nodding. I take his hand in mine. He's trembling. His mouth is slightly parted and he's breathing slowly and shallowly. With my other hand I embrace his jaw. Wide dark eyes watch full of nervousness and inexperience. He's flushed. He looks shy and vulnerable. This must be what made Voldemort fall in love with him. He looks so cute that I can understand why someone would want to tease him. I can understand why someone would want to force this expression back on his face time and time again. It's intoxicating.

"Can I kiss you Severus?" I ask again. Because I want to be sure. If we are going to explore the idea of a deeper relationship, then I will not start it off wrong. When he doesn't answer, I softly stroke his cheek with my thumb. "I need a verbal answer Severus." It's clear from his unsure eyes that he doesn't know his own answer. I don't rush him. I don't mind being patient. I don't mind giving him all the time he needs to decide.

A pink tongue darts across his chapped lips and I have to remind myself to not chase after it. I wait for his answer and when he does finally speak, it sounds breathless. "Yes." He holds perfectly still while I slowly close the distance between us. I give him ample time to back away. He's looking at my lips then back to my eyes frantically. Once I'm only a few centimeters I hold my position. It would take nothing to close the gap between us. But once we do this there will be no going back. He licks his lips again. Dark expressive eyes close, and I use that as the opportunity to connect our lips.

His thin lips part submissively the moment my hand slides to the back of his neck. I need to taste him. I need to taste his lips. His mouth. His adorable pink tongue. All in all, he tastes like sugar. So sweet I feel like I could get a cavity just from kissing him. And I crave more. Sucking on his tongue and exploring the wet cavern that is his mouth until he pulls away very suddenly. His hands are on my shoulders pushing me off of him and his head is hanging down with his hair blocking his face.

I'm afraid that I did something wrong.

"Severus. Look at me. What did I do?" I tilt his head up so that I can look in his eyes and he moans throatily. His body spasms and suddenly my stomach is sticky. I look down to see his erection shooting out another spurt and then slowly become flaccid. "Severus, did you cum from being kissed." He's panicking. He can't hide this. He knows he can't.

"I'm sorry." He says. "I didn't mean too. That's.." He laughs awkwardly. "That's never happened before." His covers his face with his large hand. "This is completely humiliating." It's cute actually. It makes me want to kiss him again.

"Does... you know who kiss you often." Why did I ask that. That is hardly the right topic for this mood. Why am I so stupid? He looks away from me. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked that. It's none of my business."

"He does. It's never been like that though. I felt..." He stops talking.

"How did you feel." I press. I need to know if it was anything like what I just felt. Fireworks. Sparks. Explosions.

"Weightless." He says. Okay. Not what I was expecting to hear. He chuckles awkwardly again. "Like I could float away. Like it was unreal. Could you..." He's flushed again. "Could you kiss me again?" A thousand times. Instead of clasping his jaw again, I wrap my arms around him and pull him to my chest. "Harry?"

"Sorry. I feel a bit out of it. I'm just so glad that I was able to make you... you know." He smells like earth. Ash. Fire. "I was afraid that it was only me. Or that I wouldn't be able to..."

"Harry." He says softly. "I don't want to hurt you either." His hand is shaking. "But I do not know that I could match your expectations. I am also inexperienced. The limited experience I have involves me more or less doing nothing and just... letting him do what he pleases. And I've been taken so many times. That I don't know that it would even feel good for you. He doesn't like being gentle. He's ripped me more than a few times." He feels like liquid. "I didn't want to tell you that." Before I can ask why he did he lays his head on my shoulder. "But if we are ever going to be intimate, then you should know."

"Severus. Sometimes for extra food, I would suck off my uncle." I never wanted to admit this to anyone. "I initiated it several times. I was always so hungry. And I knew that if I gave him what he wanted then I would get to eat something. When Dumbledore somehow made my uncle stop... I was glad to not have to do that anymore, but I was also miserable because that was the only way I could get food."

An air of silence hangs between us. Maybe we should both be ashamed of ourselves. Maybe we should feel humiliated. But I feel better admitting that to him. The silence isn't awkward. It's healing. His shoulders are shaking when I embrace him harder. I hear him crying. Too mentally exhausted to even stop himself.

He's crying on my shoulder. His long fingers dig into my back.

And I'm crying on his. My fingers dig into his back.

So we sit there. Naked with his cum drying between us. And we cry. Loudly. Bitterly. Like we haven't cried before. Like we are tired of being strong. Like we are tired of pretending we are okay. We cry. And when the tears slow and eventually stop, he pulls back and looks at me.

His eyes are puffy, and from the feel of it, so are mine.

He doesn't tell me that everything is okay. And I don't say that to him. It's like be both know. Don't give us empty words of comfort.

"Harry." He says. And it really does sound like he's been crying.

"What is it Severus?"

"I want you to stay with me in my rooms at Hogwarts."

"Alright Severus."

"And I want to kiss you again. Is that okay. Am I allowed to want that?" I smile at him.

"Of course Severus." His eyes dart to my lips again and I know what he's about to do.

When he initiates the kiss, it feels so much more coy that the previous one. I let him take the lead. Deepen it. Soften it. What ever he wants. I follow his pace. I don't like it less than our first kiss and I don't like it more. It's like the first kiss was perfect and this one is just as perfect. And I feel like our next will be just as perfect. And the next. And the next. And I want to experience all of them.

"Was... the second kiss good too?" I feel so embarrassed asking. His head is on my shoulder.

"I'm floating." Is all he says.