Survival Bonds

Chapter 53: A bit of change

I'm scared. I can feel fingers touching me in places I do not want to be touched. I'm scared. I feel dirty and I hurt all over. Teeth biting into me and being split greedily. I don't want this. My face is damp with tears, and I know that no amount of begging will end the incessant touching. I remind myself to clear my mind. That is all I can do right now. Do not think about the teeth or the fingers. Do not think about the acute ache in my hips. I've been through this before. I can do it again. Do not think about it. I am not here. I am not here.

I'm not here.

I'm not here.

I'm not here.

Tears stain my cheeks, I'm so worried about him, but at least I know he is still alive. His wand hums in my hand as if greeting me. Since there are not any windows, it is difficult to know what time it is, but I'm certain that it's long before the sun would be rising. When I attempt to cast a tempus charm, the wand actually allows me. It's 3:32 a.m. That explains why everything is so quiet.

I can't go back to sleep. Not after that, and the wand luckily seems to understand and doesn't try to lull me back asleep.

The room I'm in is depressing. There is a thin layer of dust on most things. The bed is the only actual clean thing. I pace the room trying to get my bearings. The bed, and small bookcase are the only furniture, aside from that, the room is empty.

I pick up one of the journals and thumb through it. I recognize the writing as the half blood prince's. I was obsessed with that textbook. I read it over and over. When I discovered that it was Severus, I convinced myself that I never felt certain things for the prince. I convinced myself that my... inclinations towards the writer of that potion text book meant nothing. Severus tried to kill Dumbledore and failed. When I chased him out of the castle, he was my enemy. I hated him.

Reading the excited scrawl reminds me of how I would hide under my sheets and flip through the pages hungrily reading each word.

This is another textbook that he has altered and made into his own. I pick up another book, this one leather bound. This one seems like an actual journal detailing his innermost thoughts, only the words seem charmed. When I wave his wand over the pages with clusters of letters jumbled randomly, the words seem to arrange themselves into actual sentences. I'm sure only his wand could do this.

Opening to a random page, his penmanship seems much more careful. He clearly thought about each word that he put down.

I do not know if there is something wrong with me or not. I will admit to being peculiar- even among magic folk, but I question my sanity. I find it difficult to admit out loud, but my interests lean fully towards men. I do not know if my reason behind this is due to the sexual abuse I have experienced at my father's hands, or if I lean that way fully because of my own healthy reasons. I have brewed a potion hoping that it may cure me of my sickness, but if I am not sick then naturally there is nothing to cure. I feel like there is something wrong with me.

He sounds terrified and confused. I know that Severus always tries to be brave and strong. He doesn't like to let the chinks in his armor show. I keep reading.

Lily is in love. I am of course happy for her if not somewhat jealous. There is no place for me in her life, and I know not how to remedy that. The potion didn't work. I still find my eyes drifting to the wrong sex. I can accept this part of myself. I can accept that I desire to be embraced.

The wand hums lowly. Maybe I shouldn't be reading this. Just because I can doesn't mean that I should. It isn't mine, and he didn't give me permission to read it. This wouldn't be the first time that I've invaded areas of his life.

I hold my palm open facing up and the wand simply lays there. I feel like an idiot, but I have to reason with it.

"You only care to protect me. I'm sure you care about Severus as well. I'm positive that you do but because Severus puts me first, so do you. Because that's what your owner wishes." It hums in confirmation. "Well, I need you to stop that. If Severus is too thick headed to put his safety first, then I'll have to do the same that he does. I need to save him. To do that, I need a wand that I can use for offense as well as defense. Initially I thought that I would need the elder wand that Dumbledore has." The mention of Dumbledore has the wand heating agitatedly. "But I don't need his wand. I just need a wand that is loyal to me and loyal to Severus."

I never thought of wands as something alive, but they are. Each wand has a personality that may or may not match well with a witch or wizard. How strange that Severus's wand that chose him would choose to protect me. My own wand never showed as much determination, or maybe I'm just not as skilled.

"I love him." It feels strange confessing to a wand. "I love him, and I believe he loves me. If I cannot save him... if I cannot keep him safe and rescue him from the abuse that he's suffering then I do not deserve to be the chosen one. I will not deserve to find any happiness if I cannot save him. If I am unable to save him and he dies, then I will do everything in my power to end this war, and then I will kill myself."

The wand surrounds me in a shielding spell. A shimmering blue and purple spreads around me protectively.

"I've already decided. I cannot live without him. I can live with him finding happiness with someone other than me, and I know the bond we share may make that difficult. Still. If I need to end the bond- even at the expense of my life I will. He's done enough for me. I know you aren't my wand, but I need your help. I need to save him. Before I tried to do it completely on my own, but I was wrong. I need the help of others to save him and to save the wizarding world. Severus didn't charge in on his own. He has the experience and knowledge that I just don't have yet."

I need to prepare.

"Niffy" I say the name lightly, but she still immediately pops into the room beside me. I don't even attempt to appear calm. "Niffy, I need Severus." She nods already understanding. "I have few people I trust and I know many of the people here are here for me and not him. That isn't enough. I'm inexperienced and honestly terrified. Can you tell me where to start?"

She collapses on the ground beside me. Her small hand reaches out and squeezes my shoulder.

"My children. Brux and Zend. Brux can possibly look into the future and give you an upper hand. Zend can teach you healing spells. And me." She snaps her fingers. "I can teach you wandless magic. All of that will not be enough alone, and granted you will not have enough time to learn it at length." She smiles. "But any edge will help."

"What else do I need to do." She pats my arm.

"Trust in those that are loyal to their king. You, Harry are the king to many. I'm sure there are more loyal. Perhaps, it is time to rally the troops."

"What do you mean?"

"Use that Gryffindor bravery of yours. Maybe it's time to out a snake for a snake. Or perhaps it's still time to hide. Your words alone can reshape this entire wizarding world. There are those more loyal to you than you know." She stands up shakily. "And some of them may not even be human." She smiles again. "I thought you could do with a bit of cheering up, so I've rallied one more for our side."

Before I can ask her what she means a set of arms squeeze around me.

"Mister Harry Potter!"

"Dobby!"

"Dobby is here to fight for Harry Potter." He nods enthusiastically. Niffy smiles lightly. As if remembering that Niffy is around Dobby calms down a bit and smiles at her. "Thank you Niffy for bringing Dobby to help Mister Harry Potter." He turns back to me. "I'm sure other elves that aren't free elves would have left Hogwarts if they could. You are well loved."

"Maybe it is time for a bit of change." I say and the wand hums agreeing.