L x Reader oneshots 1 // series 3 • Death Note

Im lov L

So I posted this on my Instagram but for those who don't have it, I answered a question I get sometimes.

Attempting to put my feelings for L into words.

Right, let's attempt this bs. It's been seven years I can do this. I might sound insane but oh well.

No secret, he's my hyper fixation af. Although I feel like it's deeper than that tbh. He's literally my WHOLE life. I'm protective over him, I know him inside and out and he even is a focal point of my RDS. I wanna marry him and die together after a long life of solving cases but I also want to look like him, have people compare me to him and like... be him?

I'm fully aware he's fictional. But I treat him almost like he's a celebrity or something. Likes he's my husband and top kin at the same time??? Comfort character I guess? Like we're even the same personality type (INTP) so this connection runs down to small things like that.

The first time I watched death note all those years ago I knew I was gonna get attached to SOMEONE but didn't find anyone that interesting until he popped up and it was INSTANT. The love hit me like a fucking train. By the time I finished the whole DN franchise (manga, novels, movies etc) I was out here on wattpad and Ao3 IMMEDIATELY reading anything (expect lawlight ew) with his name in the tags.

Mans has drained my wallet, my soul and my heart. I don't like watching ep 25 because it makes me sad, I've shed real tears over him. I get angry when someone claims he's "theirs" or something. God typing that out makes me sound so toxic... hey at least I'm not starting beef w people just because they like him too. But I can't help it, it just happens??? I don't know why??? I can't stop it???

And he's messed with my identity too. Do I want to be him because it's a mirroring thing? An appearance thing? A gender thing? Am I him or his wife? He confuses me sometimes.

He's all I draw nowadays, I've helped people w fanfics about him so much I'm like an expert on writing L. I literally made a 37 slide PowerPoint on his mental health just,,, because. And the fact it's been 7 years nonstop, I don't think he's ever gonna leave me. I want my first tattoo to be him and everything.

At this point I'm not sure if it's JUST a hyper fixation, or a special interest. Is it a delusional attachment? Does my subconscious brain think he's real? I don't understand why I got so attached so quickly and so fierce over it. None of my past fixations have gotten THIS intense. I'm sure it has something to do with at least one of my disorders but idk what.

Anyway. I love him. I want to marry him, so unholy things to him and be him at the same time. I'd throw myself into oncoming traffic just to save him. I'd cry if someone tried to sever my attachment to him. I literally don't know how else to describe it other than... obsession? I sound like a fucking yandere over him or some shit. He's my biggest source of happiness. I'd die for him.

Well, that's what I can manage. I don't think I can ever put my feelings into words properly but this is the best I can do. Posting this so maybe people can relate, or maybe someone can give me information on what this obsession could be rooted in (like I know it's a hyper fixation but I feel like it's deeper than that,,, and considering I have a psych appointment to get an evaluation and diagnosis tbh anything is on the table).

Oneshots will come back soon, I'm working on the ending of case file L Lawliet. So go read that in the meantime. Ok bye for now.