L x Reader oneshots 1 // series 3 • Death Note

Aussie aussie aussie

A/n: this is a crack fic. Not an X reader this time but I'm posting here anyway. I made a short post a while ago laughing at how funny DN would be if it was Australian. And some of you wanted to see it so here's a crack oneshot. I am Australian btw so I can make fun of us in good faith. I apologise to all the non Australians who have no idea what's going on here, but I assure you this is exactly how we talk.

Ah, Kira. That fuckin wombat.

The mans really thinks killin people is a good idea? Think again mate. Cunts gonna get thrown in the patty wagon, them coppers are gonna be on his ass the second he's exposed.

L, the worlds greatest detective was sure that Kira was somewhere in Australia based on the evidence. At first he thought 'ah, probably from tassie' because god knows all the weird shit happens down there.

But eventually, he tracked down the fucker in question. Light Yagami, Japanese but living in Australia. He was the cooked cunt who thought killin a bunch of fuckers would make him some kind of god. And so L left his childhood home, wammys house orphanage where he was visiting his successors to go chase down Light. His kids didn't want him to go, who would kill the spiders for them if L was gone? But he assured the kiddos he'd be back soon enough.

And it was off to Melbourne, where he'd tracked down Light. Of course it was fucking Melbourne, all the pretentious people lived there. And Light? Aw mate he was pretentious.

The Kira taskforce was small, because all the other pussies left in fear of Kira whacking them. But the small group that did stay seemed determined to catch Kira, so at least that was something. And then L found out that Lights fucking dad was the Cheif of police and throughly to himself 'get fucked, that's cooked'. Because god knows he's not going to want to accept Light was Kira.

And just when he thought things couldn't get any wilder, along came Misa. At least she was a cool goth and not one of them weird kids that hang out in Perth city and bark at people. The cactus kids, locals called them

She clung to light like a koala clung to a tree, she was so far up his ass L wondered how she hadn't suffocated in there yet. But hey, she was less insufferable than Light so that was a win.

All this mess led up to today, the whole taskforce and both suspects inside the HQ out of the blistering heat and racking up the power bills by turning the air-con up. Light was dead set on trying to convince L he wasn't Kira, and L was dead set on proving he was. Which has lead to this weird date he had to third wheel.

"Man, this has gotta be the lamest date I've ever been on" Misa sighed.

"Look just pretend I'm not here, but... you gonna have that lamington?" L replied.

"It's a type of cake so no. Cake makes you fat"

"Actually I found that you don't gain any weight as long as you burn calories by using your brain"

Misa glared at L, not appreciating the jab.

"Oi! You calling me stupid? I passed my ATARs thank you!" She snapped.

"Whatever man, I'm taking your lamington" L replied.

If only he had some Tim Tams and Milo to go with it... he could Tim tam slam that shit.

"Mate what's up with you? Wasn't moving into an air conditioned taskforce building meant to make you more motivated?" Light asked.

L took a bite of his lamington, sighing in despair.

"Yeah nah, I'm depressed as fuck" L replied.

"Depressed?"

"I mean yeah, you're clearly Kira but I can't arrest you yet. My whole case is back to square one"

Light let out an angry sigh, sick and tired of being called Kira.

"For fuck sakes man, I'm not Kira" he seethed.

"You stand out like a wombat in a sea of echidnas mate, yes you are" L replied.

Light clutches his fits in anger, wanting to bash L like an eshay in the school courtyard for that comment.

"If you call me kira one more time dog, imma roll ya" Light threatened.

"Here we go..." Misa rolled her eyes.

"I'd like to see you try cunt" L snapped back.

"I'm out, if you two wanna dog it out I'm not part of it. I'm gonna go watch h2o again and relive my childhood" Misa said, getting up and just walking out.

She could be a bit of a bimbo sometimes but at least she had common sense not to get involved in this beef.

"I'm dead serious, if you don't cut the shit imma gank your TNs" Light seethed.

"I don't even HAVE TNs. When have you seen me wear shoes? And thongs don't count. I only put them on when I have to run across a hot parking lot to get a slushie from the servo" L replied.

"Yeah well... you're a cunt"

"Wow, original"

If he Light was going to insult L he'd have to do better than that. He'd have to be *Kath and Kim voice* different and unusual.

"You're not even quiche" Light spat.

"Neither are you, you look like a human chicko roll" L spat back.

Somehow they'd gone from threatening to physically fight, to roasting each other. Then again, that's probably better than bashing it out in the Bunnings parking lot like two tradies wanting the last snag.

The taskforce had been watching this whole thing go down over the security cameras, and it made them feel like they were watching some petty beef between two year 9 netball girls.

"They're actually children sometimes, this is ridiculous..." Mr Yagami sighed.

"Tell me about it, I haven't people this petty since being in primary school and fighting over the four square court" Aizawa agreed.

"It is kind of funny though, wanna just get some zooper doopers and watch the shit show?" Matsuda asked.

Agreeing, the taskforce just watched these two grown men- well a teenager and a grown man, throw playground insults at each other as they shared a pack of zooper doopers. Better this than being out in the heat patrolling the streets I guess...