L x Reader oneshots 1 // series 3 • Death Note

My experience with L as a special intrest

Not a one shot, but it's my 8 year anniversary in the fandom and I felt like making a little post about it. Maybe some of you can relate, since let's me honest we're all mentally ill here.

So first off, what exactly is a special interest?

Within Neruodivergent disorders a special interest is a very intense obsession on a specific topic. You cant control it, it just happens and there's no way of telling how long it'll last. But usually they last extremely long times.

Now for the longest time I didn't know I was ND. I really should have since it runs in the family, and I had some kinda suspect comments on my first few school reports such as 'we're worried they're not developing emotional intelligence regularly' and 'they're usually calm and easy to work with, but break down when given hard decisions'.

Also I bit a kid in pre-primary and had to be watched by the school psych so I can't BELIEVE no one figured it out.

But eventually as I got older it became very apparent to me and to the rest of the family I'd inherited the Neurodivergency. It seems to be pretty common among the first born child in my family and what do you know, I'm the first born child.

It all started lining up and becoming more and more apparent as I got older and started to become a bit of a recluse. It was just a matter of identifying exactly what disorder it is.

Everyone I've seen so far (including myself) is pretty sure it's ADHD, the inattentive kind. But since the family history has multiple ND disorders there's every chance the ADHD could be co-morbid with Autsim, Dyscalula or OCD.

So basically, my brain is a bit funky and I experience special interests. Unsurprisingly to anyone, for the past 8 years it's been Death Note, in particular L. It's kind of like a special interest WITHIN a special interest. Death Note is the special interest but I'm particularly focused on L.

It's no secret that disorders effect your everyday life, and in the case of special interests, they completely consume you and end up your whole world. So for the past 8 years when I say I'm obsessed with L I mean I'm OBSESSED with L. My everyday life is influenced and effected by him.

I mean, I write fics about him daily. He's all over my room in the form of posters and figures etc. I stole his name to be my middle name after coming out as Non binary. I based my hairstyle off his. It's all very much a "if I can't marry him I'll become him" kind of thing.

Speaking of, you ever wanted to be someone but also are madly in love with them at the same time? Yeah. Me with L. Fuck we even have the same personality type, where both INTPs.

I think my brain picked him as a special interest because of our similarities and the lore and mystery behind his character. I wanted to find out more about him when I watched the show for the first time, but I also related to him heavily.

In his character descriptions he's described as enigmatic and child like, which are both words I've had thrown at me before. We both don't care what others think of us, are reclusive, unapologeticly odd and ourselves, find it hard to connect socially with people, focus on things we like to an alarming level, have a specific comfort food, even down to having sleep disorders.

So I think when my brain saw him for the first time, it went "HOLY SHIT! SOMEONE THATS LIKE US!" Because you know, I'd never seen someone like me before. And I got attached because I felt seen for once.

At the time I was like 13, and when you're 13 all you know is the people at school and your family really, so it's pretty easy to feel like a total outcast when you're a bit of a 'weird' person. And thus, a special interest was born. Now I'm almost 19, and still the interest hasn't died. I'm just older and understand the world and my brain a little better and with the power of hindsight I can look back on things and I see exactly why L ended up my special interest.

Because he's like me. We may not be exactly the same, I mean he's a British-Japanese man who's the worlds greatest detective and I'm just some non binary Australian who has no job. There's differences for sure, but there's so many similarities my brain feels understood for once.

I currently don't have any IRL friends. Barely any internet friends either. Everyone I knew in school has grown up and moved on with life, and I'm stuck in the same limbo I was when I graduated since I can't really move forward until I sort out some health stuff. But I don't feel that lonely because the little L in my head keeps me company.

I don't really have any aspirations, I'm still looking for my life purpose, that one dream job that I dedicate my life too. But I don't really care since hey, L doesn't exactly have a normal conventional job does he? If he can make it I can eventually.

I have a few health problems holding me back, but so does L and he still managed to make it in the world.

Somehow my brain relates everything back to him. He's a special interest, a coping mechanism, gender envy, a true love, an imaginary friend, a source of inspiration. That just what it's like having a special interest, it takes over your life no matter what it is.

If my interest was on something like berries or whatever, the exact same thing would happen. I'd be thinking about berries 24/7. I'd find a source of joy in berries. I'd go out and become a berry farmer or something. It just so happens my brain picked a fictional character as the obsession, and now I'm stuck with him living rent free in my head for the rest of my life.

I don't mind, I love him after all.

Although I would appreciate if he didn't make my expectations in men skyrocket. If it's not him then I won't want it. And it would be nice if I could somehow turn the interest into a job or something. But hey, you don't pick the interest, the interest picks you.

I'd say the only downside to this interest is how possessive I can get over him. I'm aware that it's a bad mindset to have, but I can't control it and I feel this intense need to be associated with him. So when I see other people get associated with him, or someone disagree with my views on him I get SO fucking mad. I'm not a dick, so I don't lash out and start drama, I just hold my tongue and block the user if I have to. I have to remind myself that he's for sharing, he's not just mine he's a public figure. But damn, if I don't get a little yandere over him sometimes.

So that's kind of a brief look at what it's like to have him as a special interest. I'm very obsessive and very possessive over him, but he's also made me create amazing art, made me happy, made me find new hobbies and helped shape my identity. He's done me so much good and I love him so much for that.

It hurts that I can't look him in the eye and thank him the bottom of my heart, since you knew he's a drawing. But at least I can look back on 8 years of this special interest and be glad that even through the worst shit he's still been there through it all.

Special interests are one of the few symptoms of Neurodivergency that aren't unpleasant or harmful. Rather they're fun and produce joy. Sure there's a few strings attached here and there, but for the most part they're good things.

So don't ever feel bad about your special interest no matter how weird it is. And Neurotypical people, let NDs dwell in their interests and infodump, it makes them happy.

And of course, thank you for 8 years of this bullshit L, I love you.